Why do I still think about him eventhough I dont want him back
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|Fri, 12-31-2010 - 5:58am|
Its 4:45am and I cant sleep. I guess I need to vent. I dont want my ex back...but why do I continue to think about him all the time still? Its been only 18 days since I started the NC...at first I hated him and just wanted him to suffer......now ...I sure as hell dont like him anymore...but its like deep down I can feel a soft spot where I know im suppose to hate him but i cant..and I dont know why I feel that way. maybe its because we were first loves, I dont know....I dont trust him anymore thats for sure...Im just so sick of thinking about him...since I have did the NC thing he has "contacted' me 3 times..via facebook. the third time counts because he had commented on my pic from someone else page and the notification was sent to me. the other two times he sent me messages with smiley faces. I didnt respond to any of them. Im like didnt I tell you that I hated you? And to leave me alone? What the hell? You got your mature, established new girlfriend and your mature established life now go on with that happy life and leave me alone....Im just tired of thinking about him. I resent him. I know I need to forgive him but i feel like resenting him helps because it keeps me from going back andit reminds me of what I went through and how I got this way. I was never the angry person...I was alway happy. Nowadays...I just dont care...the holidays do not matter to me...nothing....I mean Im trying to move on with my life....trying to find my career job despite this crap economy, trying to better myself in the best way I can....but I feel empty. Im angry that he seems happy and I am not...i want to bash his face in.... maybe i do still hate him...who knows...all i know is that if I would have known love and relationships were so difficult I wouldnt have even dated him back in 2004....too much stress...