Why Do I Think of The Good Times
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| Sun, 08-19-2007 - 3:35pm |
I guess it is normal, but why, after a breakup, do I only think of the good times I had with my ex. I mean there are a lot of bad times I could think of instead. All his issues and baggage I should be glad to not have to deal with. Four years of him being nice and loving one minute and then cold and distant the next. Yet, I miss him. I miss talking to him. We just had so much in common. More than anyone else I ever dated. When will the bad start to out weigh the good. My friends don't seem to understand. They think b/c he was so mean to me, that it should be easy to move on. It's been a month and it seems to have gotten harder, not easier to move forward. He never even had the decency to breakup with me. We got into an argument on the phone (we do not live near each other), he said he didn't want to talk about it, hung up on me and I never heard from him again.
I know before we split that he was at the very least, interested in someone else. You can just tell these things. So he is on his merry way, being giddy with his new love and happy to have gotten rid of me. I am the one left hurting. So not only do I think of the good time, but I think about him being with someone else. I know, very bad to think, but I do and I can't stop.
Right now I am between jobs and have two weeks off, so I don't have too much to occupy my time. So I think about it way too much.

It's relationship mythology or Revisionist Romance Disorder depending on which method of breakup book you follow :D. Anyways, the short explanation is that selective memories of the good times probrably because the initial anger and bitterness over the break up is fading. You don't hurt that much anymore.....so why is it again that you broke up??? A lot of questioning about whether or not he was as bad as you thought he was..were you over reacting, etc etc.
As for how you deal with it...is really a mind over matter. the bad never outweighs the good unless you MAKE IT SO. I think Sandra recommended you force yourself to go back and list everything that was wrong with him on separate flash cards and read it when you go reinventing your relationship. Anything that comes to mind. Ie. things off my list.
1. He was TWENTY TWO..and still slept in the same bed as his mom.
2. Never called when he said He would. Broke Plans, Was super cheap. I paid for our first date. --''
3. Every time I got dressed up to go out, he'd accuse me of dressing up for someone else.
4. He was all talk talk talk. Kept telling me he'd take me to quebec city, the amusement park, the summer mountain resort, pay for me 20 dollar bus ticket etc etc. And the ONLY thing we went to was quebec city after I PLANNED IT.
5. The sum of his gifts - 1 3.99 stuffed toy he picked up at the subway. (not even a card (not even an ECARD) for my birthday after I bought him a cake and took him out to dinner for his)
6. Apologized to his friends on my behalf after they trashed me personality.
7. Spoke french with his friends and mandarin with his mother, while I stared at the wall for 5-6 hours at a time because I spoke NEITHER. Worst of all was ALL OF THEM SPEAK ENGLISH, they just can't be bothered to DO IT FOR MY SAKE.
and it goes on and on and on. And if you really nitpick, you can come up with hundreds of things easily. Plus! I got my friends together for drinks and we sat around for 4 hours and wrote up my list together. So I had fun AND picked up some good ammunition. You might as well spend your two weeks doing something productive. And we had a great connection too...but remember he's not the only person you can have a great relationship with. Your longtime, close buddies are other examples of lasting relationships with great connections. And furthremore, I am CERTAIN that when you met your friends (like when I met mine), you had very little in common. What you have in common now with your close friends is a shared history where you did things in common. Nothing to prevent you from doing the same thing in your next relationship.
Oh and last thing, the most devestating thought I had the entire time was that I'd never find someone who was as wonderful or understood me as much as he did. Blah. The entire board is a testement the the fact that in every relationship, your SO will be wonderful to you. Don't settle for crumbs.
cheers
Susanna
Edited 8/19/2007 7:38 pm ET by unicornssong
Hi goodjwitch,
Susanna gave you good advice about making a list of the not so good times.