Why do men need so much space?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Why do men need so much space?
10
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 9:27pm

After 5 weeks of dating, I got the "I need space" and "maybe we could use a break" speech last week. Granted, I fully understand that the guy had only been divorced for about a month when we met and I was taking a gamble on fresh goods. But why do you ask for space and then proceed to text and call me every day? And then invite me to your family's house over Labor Day to go out on their boat? And then proceed to be affectionate (an arm around my waist, a kiss here and there, etc) all day long?

Considering this is the first man in two years that I have been REALLY interested in and thought that there might actually be a future with, I'm devastated and even more confused after yesterday's outing. I'm not sure if I should just bide my time and hope he'll come around, or ditch him totally and move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2007
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 9:39pm
Oh move on before you get stuck in this relationship. I've been with a guy for 8 months, and he does that "I need space" thing every few months. We are in one now. I'm thinking I'm about done though. It's better to be single than to be confused.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 10:05pm

There are three articles in the Resources section at the bottom of this board that I want you to read and take to heart. The most important one for you is the Why Did He Lose Interest article, because this is what happened: You two had no control and burned too fast, too hard, too intense, too soon and now what happens after that is exactly what you're going through.

Read these:
Why Did He Lose Interest?

When he asks for space (aka, "a break")

Zen of Doing Nothing

Now, here's something I want *everyone* reading this to pay very close attention to: Just because HE wants something some way, does NOT mean you have to give it to him. No. No no no. Guys will push, they will want more every single time if they have a certain interest (and no, not just sex) but people, men and women alike are sometimes like kids in a candy store with their relationships, it's sooooo good and they want as much as they can get their little hands on. What happens when you have too much of anything, especially candy? You get sick of it. Just as simple as that.

So what's the best thing to do to enjoy the candy and avoid the queasiness? Little at a time. Little at a time. Control. Common sense. You're not little kids, you don't need to be told what to do, so maintain control over yourselves within your relationships. Yes, I know it Feeeeels so goood, yes, I realize it may have been awhile, all the more reason to keep it under some control. Not saying don't get caught up in certain moments, the head-over-heels is part of the beauty of love, but seriously, not all moments need to be caught up in.

Spend some time away from each other, it makes the time together all that much nicer.

Don't talk every single day on the phone, you'll run out of things to say (trust me) and really, how much could have changed in your lives in 24 hrs? Don't you actually have to do some living in order to talk about your lives?

Don't jump into meeting the family so soon, especially parents or children. Many people reserve that for ultra-important people in their lives, and some people do not. The hurt feelings happen when one person puts much more importance on meeting the family than the other.

Don't let go of anything in your life prior to what you had before you et, unless it's unhealthy for you. You'll be back here later on saying, "Why did we lose interest in each other? Why'd we fall into such a routine?"

kydiv, I'm not taking this out on you, I'm really not, I'm using your post as a more general example because so many people get confused about this same thing. There's no need for the confusion, please believe me. What I *am* seeing in your post is that you'll just go along with whatever he says, and then turn around and try to pin on him what you went along with willingly. H asked, he said, he hugged, he kissed----- So What? You don't have to say yes, ESPECIALLY when he's already asked for a break. TEACH HIM what that means, it should not mean he gets to cuddle on you or have you over. It's like a time out. How do time outs work? You keep saying no until they get the point.

Best of luck to everyone going through "space"

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 9:46am

Thanks for the kick in the head. I really needed to hear it.

I read some of the articles (zen of doing nothing, etc.) and they really make sense. I have not spoken to him since he dropped me off Monday night and am trying hard not to call or text him. I'll keep your words in my head when the impulse hits.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 10:01am

Hey Kydiv,

Boy, do I hear you. That's sounds like exactly my situation I just posted ("friends after breaking up") I am totally confused myself and don't know what to do in my situation either. My ex introduced me to EVERYONE...his parents, friends, boss, coworkers (he took me to his company BBQ, for pete's sake) all while having his arm around me, holding my hand, and he told me how crazy they all were about me...this is just all so weird. I never had a guy hang on like this after a breakup. It's always been when it was done it was done, I never heard from them again. This is all new to me and I just am not getting it.

Well, good luck to you...I hope we both feel better soon.

*HUGS*

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 2:30pm

mysticgirl05, I feel you!

sandradee - so what next? I haven't heard from him since he dropped me off Monday, and I have determined now not to be the one to call first. Do I absolutely refuse to see him, period, or see him only on my terms? And I understand the no-touching rule - unless we're dating, there'll be no touching.

I made use of the free therapy service offered through work, and the counselor gave me some good food for thought. She said I needed to evaluate exactly what I wanted from a man, not what could I offer him to meet his needs. She also made it clear that nothing I did or didn't do was the cause of the breakup, that we have no control over other people and their actions, and that the only thing we can control is our reaction to it. I really liked her!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 3:24pm

GUESS WHAT?!?! He lied to me!!!

When I got the speech, he said there it wasn't because of anyone else he was wanting to date. Well, today there's a nice comment from some girl saying what a good time she had last night!!!!! What a jerk!!

I'm soooo P*SSS*D right now!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 6:15pm

This is why it's so much better to just take a *wait and see* approach when things like space, breaks, etc, happen, because in time, the truth comes out and you're not left regretting actions you may have taken.


So, this is twofold:

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2007
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 10:14am
Yeah, I was gonna say.. he's just messing with you. The whole "I need space thing" is a power trip and a game guys play. If we can keep you dangling a little longer, in that state of confusion, the happier you'll be when we "finally" choose you. 5 weeks sounds about right, he's dated you long enough to know you're into him, that he can dictate what you guys do, he feels he's in the driver's seat. So he's testing his limits, the whole space thingy just means he wants to date other women, while still pretending he's in a relationship with you, keeping you on the back burner until he wants to be in a relationship with you again. It's like a unofficial "let's keep dating but we're semi broken up" thing to say, meanwhile you're writing on forums confused and annoyed and he's out dating other girls. Don't get too beat up about this, its a sad thing to say, but most guys do this to maintain the power in the relationship (we're a sordid lot eh?). If you're in the mood to play the game and piss him off, just stop talking to him, give him all the space he wants and start dating someone else (make sure he finds out through the grapevine). If he asks what you're doing and acts all hurt say you're not the type of girl who waits around for emotionally stunted men who constantly don't know what they want and need space to figure out their lives. When he's grown up and is done with playing games, tell him to give you a call.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 10:51am
Thanks for all the feedback - emopwndsauce, that's exactly what I did last night. Went out to eat and would up hanging out with my ex's former boss and his friends. Several friends of my ex saw the five of us having a good time in the bar, so I'm just waiting for word to get back to him. And the main point for me - I had a good time last night! With him lying to me about the other girl (whose profile and comments have now mysteriously disappeared from his myspace page), I'm getting to where I'm not overly concerned if he comes back to me or not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2007
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 11:09pm
Recently, I got fed up with my guy "wanting his space to figure out his life" so I decided to do exactly what he was doing, living my life without him in it. It was less than a week of me not contacting him that he finally broke down and decided I was worth keeping around. So it really does show his true colors and eventually put him in his place. Little does he know he burned the wrong bridge with the wrong woman. By the time he had contacted me I was done waiting around and missing him, instead I was over him. There's also a liberation in knowing that you don't need him and you can have a good time without him. I wish you luck!