Why do they call after they dump you?
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Why do they call after they dump you?
| Fri, 10-19-2007 - 12:59pm |
My BF dumped me about three weeks ago and he knew I'd be hurt.
| Fri, 10-19-2007 - 12:59pm |
My BF dumped me about three weeks ago and he knew I'd be hurt.
Hi Lilly-
I've been that person. The one who broke up and kept calling (though it was a long, long time ago, and i was young and it was my first relationship). Of course this was also before cell phones, myspace, and IM.
We dating 3 1/2 years and the reason i called after i broke up with him (we broke up because i didn't our relationship growing together) is simply because I missed him. I still loved him and missed his friendship. It was so not fair of me to do this (at the time i couldn't understand why he was being so mean to me on the phone when i called him-now i know). At the time I hadn't really developed into the whole person i should have been in the relationship so when i broke up i lost everything-friends, activities, his family, etc.
My advice to you (if he doesn't leave you alone) would be to block calls on your phone, block text, IM, and email. You could let him know you had to do this because he didn't resepct your wishes verbally. He probably won't listen so you should try and take action so that you can erase him from you life right now.
live and learn. :)
I think they do that because they don't like to think their ex is upset with them - I also think they do it to keep that door open, just in case their new relationship doesn't work out or just to know that someone still has feelings for them.
I wish I could say it's a maturity thing but it's
Hi, Lily.
I'm sorry you are receiving mixed messages from someone who left your relationship. There are all sorts of reasons people send mixed messages out after a break-up. It's not unusual to feel doubts, even for those who do the breaking up. Those internal conflicts are squarely his problem, and it is important for you to protect yourself from what he is going through as best you can.
My advice is to set clear, explicit boundaries. Saying "I need space" isn't enough because it is too vague. Thinking he should just know better also will not stop your suffering. Clearly, he does not know, and if you have not already explicitly told him what you need, he cannot read your mind.
First I recommend you tell him that you accept his decision to leave the relationship and now you need time and space to heal. Then, be specific about what "time & space" means to you. Make sure there is no room for him to have to guess what it means or "accidentally" make unwanted contact. This is not catering to him, this is protecting yourself. For instance, you might say:
"Taking time and space means no communication between us of any kind for 3 months. That means no phone calls, text messages, e-mails, or messages through friends. After 3 months, we can re-evaluate our boundaries".
Or
"I need at least 3 months of no contact of any kind. No phone calls, text messages, e-mails, or messages through friends. I will contact you after 3 months if I feel ready to be in touch with you."
Or
"Time and space means that I do not want any contact between us of any kind indefinitely. Please do not contact me. I will contact you if I feel ready to be in touch with you."
Or,
"Time and space means that I do not want any contact between us of any kind indefinitely. No phone calls, text messages, e-mails, or messages through friends. Please do not contact me under any circumstances."
Or whatever.
And he may deny, agree, or react with his own boundaries (like wanting 3 months of NC more than you, or wanting you to never contact him under any circumstances). Then both of your jobs is to follow your boundaries and his boundaries (if he sets any).
I recommend you make a contract with yourself to maintain NC no matter what for at least 3 months (that's the # my counselor always recommends as a start for NC).
If you have already set explicit boundaries I recommend repeating boundaries calmly and explicitly and explain that his efforts to contact you violate your boundaries and/or delete and block him from contact everywhere possible.
This is what works best for me.
Good luck!
I also was recently in a relationship that I very much wanted to continue, and my beloved chose to stop working on the relationship. Within a couple days, I e-mailed him very clear NC boundary requests, which have been respected perfectly for a month now. I chose to define my boundaries by e-mail with no pleas, emotion, frills, or jabs, so we both have a clear written record of NC parameters to refer to independently in weak or confused moments.
Claudia
Welcome to the board Lily,
He could be concerned for your well-being.
Isn't it a "given" that if I'm not returning his calls or e-mails that I don't want to hear from him?
LOL - You'd think, huh?