why do they do this?
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| Wed, 11-17-2004 - 12:29pm |
i have a question regarding my breakup of almost 2 months ago....and we only dated 3 months...
it came out of the blue after a fantastic weekend and i was shocked but i am healing and moving on nicely.....i thought...
then last week i find out from a mutual friend that he had an old girlfriend as a houseguest a couple of weekends ago...this is a girl that he told me he was "just friends" with when we were dating......so i naturally assume that he dumped me to be with her. so then that brings up all the old feelings
yesterday i get an email from him....asking my how i liked the concert last night.....well i did go to a concert but did not see him....evidently he saw me with my friends and called out to me but i did not hear him....so then he emails me again and gets very chatty about the concert and how great it was....so i just emailed him back and basically said yes it was great and have a nice week.....end of emails
my question is why after nearly 2 months of not seeing him would he email me like this...is it because that was the first time he had seen me since the break up....
why do they always pop back into your life when you are just about over them....what does he want from me.
i do not have the ablitly to block him from my email account so that will not work....
it would be so much easier to move on if he would just leave me alone....

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The more in control of your feelings and success that you put the actions of other people - the further down the toilet your life will eventually get.
You can't control other people.
Here's what I think...I think you two had a hot and heavy romance...that you thought was more admiration and respect based than lustful heat. You interepreted the fact that he spent lots of time with you, and money on you as "I admire and respect you as a person" - the fact was - he was out of a break up and he wanted attention, companionship, sex, conversation, and diversion from "his feelings". He got that diversion - in your adoration.
But....everybody knows that the circus must end and the tent must come down. He didn't want commitment, he didn't want obligation.....he never really did.....and so after a terribly romantic weekend where you were likely so hyped up "the future that we're going to have" at least internally - he dumped you. YOu're thinking "oh, he couldn't see how involved and attached I was, how "in eh future I was"...but, he easily could. Or, you were now an "old toy".....and he didn't want to play with you anymore - like any 2 year old -diversion and distraction keep the toys in rapid circulation! So, he ended "It".
This might prove useful....to you "he endedthe possibility of a future of love and bliss".....to him "he ended the requirement to hang out with "just you all the time". How that's for a different perspective of the same situation?!
From your view - what he ended caused you great heartache, loss, sadness....from his view what he ended opened up opportunities and options...while not necessarily shutting down anything with you....all he wanted was all he osught and was accepting - companionship, sex, fun, diversion, and distraction. He can't be held accountable for your needs, wants, expectations, or feelings.
You're now going "how can he possibly contact me after waht he did, how he devastated me"...and he's going "why not say hi, catch up...maybe we'll go on another round of hanging out and hooking up at some point, she is a nice girl."
That's "expectations" and how they impact you and affect you. And here's a tip - his were realistic - yours weren't.
You don't kow this guy's character, his values, his standards, or his integrity - but you were so "into it" (relationship) that you wanted whatever he offered, at whatever standards, and on whatever terms. Whatever you've got as a life - ignore that, bottle that, shelve it - let'sjust have "him and whatever he wants".
It's unrealistic to get into anything that early thinking 'this person is who I want and need and believe them to be".
he got into this "living in the moment" - she's fun, sexy, intelligent, charming, she's sensual, she's exciting, she's adventurous.....way cool, let's get to nkow one another.
In that you were never "living in the moment" - you can't imagine why he doesn't realize "this moment hurts". But he was alwayss living in the moment, never considering a future (I know he talked about a future - but we're all going to have a future - but not together LOL!)...and so his contacting you again "in the moment" doesn't seem like anyting but "normal and right".
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
thanks for the reply sky...i think you are right.....it just made me feel really creeped out that he saw me and i did not know it...i am trying to be adult about this and not act like it is bothering me...afterall we were only together for 3 months....but i think it takes nerve on his part to assume that i want to hear from him....maybe i shut him down with my chilly response.....but they always do seem to come back as soon as you are over them...lol
i am afraid that he is a player....much to the contrary opnion of his friends who set me up with him.....they all think he is a really nice guy....but a guy who sucks at relationships.....his last one was in college...and that was 7 years ago....
it is hard to know when to believe a guy.....especially when his actions matched his words...but it is not his fault if he decided that a relationship was too much for him....he thought that is what he wanted but when faced with the reality of it he just could not do it...oh well....moving on...lol
Why would you think that a guy wants committment - who's last relationship was 7 years ago?
I suspect that "player" reputation in your opinion might go a little like this.
He knew I wanted a relationship - I told him so. He kept dating me so I assumed that he wanted one too....because why date me if he didn't want what I wanted, even though he never said that and nothing in his history said it either.
And 3 mnths into it - when infatuation went to a slower burn and he wasn't so high on how he felt about himself via my attention...my ardor heated up, my conversation turned more "futuristic" and his ardor died down and he ended it.
He does that everywhre he goes - dates girls 3 or 6 months and then dumps them - he's a player.
No...he's just a man that doesn't want commitment or obligation. nd every time that the woman gets serious and starts in that direction, or things get a little over the top and something is done that indicates that is in the works...he bails.
He'd likely get nowhere saying on the 3rd date...I really don't want a relationship. I don't like obligation and commitment. I don't mind meeting someone's needs sexually and for companionship but nothing else.....he'd get dumped...no companionship, no sex, no interaction.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
thanks heidi but i do think they are more than friends.....since he bought her an airline ticket and flew her in for the weekend.....from over 1500 miles away....i do not want to be stupid about all of this....and he did tell a mutual friend of ours not to tell me about the visit from the girl...but of course she told me...lol
i dont want to tell him not to contact me anymore because i dont want him to think i care...is that crazy?
i have made it through 2 months without running into him so maybe i will never have to see him again....i just hate feeling so stupid and naive about this whole friend thing but live and learn i guess....
But....wasn't there somewhere in your reasoning - because if not, add it to your repetroire for all future relationships of any sort......
"Right now, this person is giddy on the fun, distraction, diversion and feelings that all this newness and attention inspires".
I mean.......are you saying that knowing this guy three months - you were willing to seriously considerly emotionally attaching, start restructuring your life to some degree, limiting your options and potential - because "he wanted a relationship"?
I just always keep in mind that the first 6 months of anything - is at least 50% "feeling" oriented. Feelings not being facts, goals, calls to action, tools of cognition or assessed as a determining factor about what to do in any situations...I've learned to revel in the feelings for what they are...without making any serious decisions, moves or structural adjustment until at least 90% of what I'm using to "think" with is my rational mind - that is goal focused, self-aware, objective, and discerning.
You might want to learn to revel in feelings - without it being a call to action.
Because basically - he had all these feelings, and he had expectations that weren't formally discussed and probably weren't completely cognizantly defined and formed - as a result of his feelings. And then he took action....and all of a sudden what hit him head on was "uh oh, this means restructure, this means equal prioritization of her and her needs - not just how I feel about me based on her attention. Wait, hold up, I don't know HER well enough to want to do this." And because he had taken actions that he couldn't take back...dn because you were also running parallel at his "sprint to a relationship of commitment and security" - he had no way to "back up"....and say hey, let's be exclusive sexually, let's date and get to know one another, let's see where it leads, let's enjoy one another in the moment, let's not be working for a future right this second, we don't know one another well enough for that." So, he bailed.
Emotionally driven is a very unsuccessful to life approach.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
well i did think we were just dating getting to know each other and i told him that....the only expectation i had was that if we had sex it would be an exclusive relationship...i felt that we were still getting to know each other and having lots of fun .... the sex was not a big part of our relationship.....
it does not matter now because i am moving on......but he was the one who was pushing things....not me......
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