why do we do this to ourselves?
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why do we do this to ourselves?
| Wed, 03-14-2007 - 9:56pm |
I am very new to this message board and in reading all of the posts, I keep thinking to myself...WHY DO WE CONTINUE TO DO THIS TO OURSELVES? honestly....total honesty right here, right now.
i love my ex, i love him with ALL my heart even though i know that our relationship is toxic, even though he will never be the man I fell in love with, even though he does not want the same things as me, and even though he keeps telling me the same thing over and over "we aren't good together right now but maybe in a few months" Hello!!!! we were together for four years...how is now any worse than it was a few days ago...and I know that I am right there with all of you, the broken hearted, the lonely hearted, the ones that want answers to all that is left questioning...WHY?!?!?!
Why do we do this to ourselves when we know, even though we do NOT want to admit it, that life on the other side could be so much better if we just LET GO...and I know that letting go means that all of our dreams and hopes are left as a writing in the sand, but what about finding other hopes and dreams? we could do that if we just let go of what didn't work out. So why do we hang on? That is all I have been asking myself the past couple days, because even though i know there is something better out there waiting for me, maybe tomorrow or maybe five years from now, why do we hang onto relationships that make us question our self worth? Haven't we, as women, come further than that, than making a relationship with a man that has issues, validate ourselves?
i love my ex, i love him with ALL my heart even though i know that our relationship is toxic, even though he will never be the man I fell in love with, even though he does not want the same things as me, and even though he keeps telling me the same thing over and over "we aren't good together right now but maybe in a few months" Hello!!!! we were together for four years...how is now any worse than it was a few days ago...and I know that I am right there with all of you, the broken hearted, the lonely hearted, the ones that want answers to all that is left questioning...WHY?!?!?!
Why do we do this to ourselves when we know, even though we do NOT want to admit it, that life on the other side could be so much better if we just LET GO...and I know that letting go means that all of our dreams and hopes are left as a writing in the sand, but what about finding other hopes and dreams? we could do that if we just let go of what didn't work out. So why do we hang on? That is all I have been asking myself the past couple days, because even though i know there is something better out there waiting for me, maybe tomorrow or maybe five years from now, why do we hang onto relationships that make us question our self worth? Haven't we, as women, come further than that, than making a relationship with a man that has issues, validate ourselves?

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Bingo! I have been wondering the same thing. In this 21st century, why are we women so dependent on a man to validate us? I have a very good eduction, a very successful career, three great children, and consider myself a fairly good citizen and neighbor, but I have been in agony for extended periods of time over every guy that has ever left me. What a huge waste of time and energy and happiness!
I am a product of the '60's, when women's lib was born, so surely I should know better, even though the parents of that time engrained in us a desire for a husband and family first. But these boards are full of women half my age, a whole new generation who still allow a man to turn their whole world upside down, to the point of being physically ill.
I don't know the answer. Is it because the stress of life today has increased so much that we seek comfort in a partner just to help us get through the day? I know many times, even when my relationships have been far from good, I have chosen to lay my head on someone's pillow at the end of the day for the comfort that it brought.
Maybe it is because men are just way less monogamous than women can ever be comfortable with. Maybe we women expect too much in the way of devotion. Biologically, we have evolved at odds and this may never be resolved. Women need one male devoted to protecting the family; men desire many females to spread their seed.
There is definitely a dynamic working here. There are too many good women on here in too much pain to say that we are all unhealthy emotionally. But I am still trying to learn.
Wow, can I relate to all the posts on this thread.
My ex and I were together for just over 2 years - 2 VERY TURBULENT years - that were nothing but a ride on a very wild rollercoaster. When things were good, they were ok...but when they were bad - watch out. It was toxic and horrid, yet, I held on. What I don't understand is - don't the MEN know it is toxic too? And if so, WHY don't they leave? My ex bashes me about this all the time - stating how miserable I made him during those 2 yrs and how things only progressively got worse (of course all of this is MY fault if you ask him)...so if things were so bad - WHY THE HELL DIDN'T HE LEAVE?
I know why I didn't - I'm a woman & thought I could/wanted to fix everything...so I put up with emotional and verbal abuse from someone I was no longer in love with. Why? Was the sex that great? Was the thought of sharing my bed with someone as opposed to sleeping alone THAT comforting? Why oh why did I put up with all that crap? It should have ended LONG ago, but, here I am on Day 2 of no contact - suffering and wondering WHY things went wrong to begin with!
We broke up in November - I actually remember him saying "Well, I guess I'll be the one to do it so you don't have to feel guilty about it" - and my being RELIEVED when he did. We talked on the phone (argued) for a few days, then I started no contact...9 days later, HE called ME and we tried working things out...which of course failed miserably. On New Year's Eve - I had just finished reading "It's Called A Breakup..." and it was like an epiphany to me - the light bulb came on and I was READY to move on. So that night, I stopped calling. Stopped driving by. Stopped emailing. And started focusing on ME and HEALING. I did great - for 45 days - then he contacted ME again (by placing candy on my doorstep on Valentine's Day - talk about pulling at my heart strings)...So, there we were - ROUND 3. Of course, THIS DIDN'T WORK EITHER, and I called it off this time after 2 weeks (which was very liberating). We were 'touch and go' for a while afterwards, and I did have to contact him for business reasons on Tuesday, but I am now in FULL SWING NO CONTACT MODE.
What bothers me is WHY am I sitting here WISHING we were still together? Wishing he'd call and say "I'm so sorry for all the crap I put you through, I love you and I will change?" Towards the end of our relationship, he told me repeatedly that I would NEVER find anyone else and that I will RUIN every relationship I ever attempt...and the sad thing is that now I am starting to wonder if MAYBE he's right?
Am I really that pathetic?
i so completely and totally agree with you and have considered posting something saying exactly this.
i think about this quite a bit and the closest i've come to an answer is this -- we (women) are, essentially, suffering from the same "affliction" as men, but it reveals itself in a different way...
allow me to clarify: what i am arguing is that men and women in this day and age are very, very codependent and very, very used to instant-gratification and using things/substances/people outside of themselves as a "salve" for their needs, stress, and turmoil.
how this manifests itself, as far as i can tell, is this -- men seek cyberspace/gadget/electronic or other "distractions" to calm their inner needs/fears, etc, and pull away from relationships (which they're seeing more and more as gambles, ie. the divorce rate, etc). men are simply turning to things other than steady long-term relationship for fulfillment. women, on the other hand, are continuing to grasp and grapple for men who have chosen other paths to "fulfill" their lives.
i know i'm painting with broad strokes here, but it really seems as though men and women simply are not on the same page at this point in time. and women are "letting" men get away with it by continuing to pine away for men who, simply, are way less than "ideal"...what man (or woman, for that matter) wouldn't be loving life to be able to do whatever the heck he/she wants while simultaneously having a person groveling for them, too?
just my thoughts...
LOL
mine also bought a $2500 TV and a $500 Garmin GPS system (bonus points for those of you who appreciate the irony of a guy buying a GPS navigation system when he's dealing with the fallout of not being able to "navigate" his own life).
we may be on to something here, ladies...
I totally get what everyone here is saying...why is it so hard to move on from something that you know in your head is not good for you? The answer is quite simple, really. We fell in love and we're human. The head and the heart often disagree entirely, I've found.
That said, I don't think that the problem is all in the way that we hold on or handle it in the end. I think the problem begins in the beginning. I posted about this before...let's take these broken relationships and heartaches and turn them into positive knowledge for the next time around. I don't think we should be closed off, but when we get into a relationship, as hard as it is with a new exciting guy, we can't let them become our world! We've got to keep a sense of self, and let our brokenness teach us to be stronger and more independent. Keep your friends, keep your hobbies, AND have a boyfriend. It's possible! Men can (and do!) leave at anytime without warning, so it behooves us to continue to know who we are without those men.
Breakups suck, they hurt, we'll cry, we'll ask why. But that's normal, and it's just how love goes. So, we've all made mistakes. Let's learn from them and use them for good with the next guy (and there will be more!). We all still have dreams and a fairy tale in our hearts, even when it hurts so badly to want those things. But I truly believe if we keep our eyes open, our experiences close to our hearts and refuse to give up on our dreams...we'll never have to settle for less than the best.
i really agree with what you've said. i really believe that women (and i realize i'm generalizing here), perhaps with the whole "nesting" tendancy, are more apt to "latch onto" a guy and make him her world.
quite simply, we're just not "making them work for us". i hate how overly simplistic and maybe uber-feminist that sounds, but i think in a way it's really true. like you said, sj, in the beginning of a relationship, how many of us have this in common -- we re-arranged our lives to a (much too large) degree to make more and more room for a guy. and in doing so, we accomplished two things: (1) we let our own idenities disintegrate, and (2) we were SO available and SO needing of him that he didn't have to do any of the "relationship work." he just knew we'd be there and didn't worry a whole lot about it.
we (as in women who are getting over this difficult experience) have to learn to meet a guy on an even playing field, so to speak. which means knowing what we're looking for and being aware that while some comprimise is required in any relationship, all-out SACRIFICE of ourselves IS NOT.
being "alone" isn't even really "alone", either. it's being open to new people, new opportunity, and improvement. there's such a subconscious stigma in this society, i would argue, about women who are not in a couple...there must be something wrong with them, they aren't desireable for some reason, etc. THIS IS (I cannot use the word I want to use here or my post will be deleted, but it startes with a "B" and ends with a "T")!!!!!!
We, simply, are much, much better than the situations we've gotten ourselves into with the men we've described on these boards. There IS a way "out" of this that's beneficial for BOTH sexes.
I love this thread! I feel so much better knowing that I am not the only one on the breakup and get back together roller coaster.
I'm starting no contact today and I am afraid that I won't follow through, even though I know in my head that it is the best thing for me.
You know though, the guys we are with are on the same rollercoaster, so maybe it isn't just us. They initiate contact too. I imagine they struggle with calling vs. not calling. It just takes one party to the relationship to be strong enough to jump off the roller coaster for good. I hope this time I can be the one. And not get too bruised in the process.
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