Why does he call me
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| Sun, 01-28-2007 - 10:12am |
I am confused as to why a guy who breaks up with me b/w Christmas and New Years calls me.
This was a 5 yr relationship and we've lived together for 4 (still technically do but he's been sleeping at a friends house coming back home when I'm at work to get clothes etc). It's awkward b/c I want him to call but inside I know that he doesn't want to be together so I keep pushing it away and just trying not to think abou it.
Basically he calls me just about every day for stupid stuff usually. I've been real good about not answering most of the calls, usually one a day, but there have been days where I don't answer any. What I don't u/s is why he bothers to call b/c he can easilyl avoid me with the way our schedules are. He doesn't have to talk to me at all. I am currently looking for a job back where I grew up b/c it's just too hard living here. I want to find one quickly b/c I think it would be best for me to move on but on the other hand I'm afraid to leave and besides being 34 yrs old now and wasting so much time in this relationship I feel like such a loser. When he calls he just tries to make small talk and see how I'm doing, making sure I'm okay he says. Last night he called before going into work and I didn't answer the phone so he called his brother (who lives with us/me too) b/c he knew he'd give me the phone and I couldn't avoid it. He asked if I was alright and I said yes I'm fine. He said are you sure, and again I said yeah I'm great! He asked if I missed him and I really didn't answer that one so instead I asked it back... he said yeah he misses me that's why he calls me all the time. Somehow the dog came into conversation and he said that the dog missed him and I just said that's b/c he doesn't spend anytime with her anymore. Now I know he sees her everyday b/c like I said before he comes here during the day. He said that he tries to stay away b/c he thinks that it'd be easier for both of us...I agreed and acted like I didn't care too much. It hurts b/c in that essence he is right and I know that when I don't see him or hear his voice that I am better and I'm not as sad but I also miss him a lot (just being around too). Anyhow he went into work and I said Okay see ya and talk to ya sometime.
I just finished reading the book "it's called a b/u b/c it's broken". I really really liked it and it did make me feel better. However I don't now how I can do NC for 60 days in this situation. I'm really afraid that he'll find someone else if he hasnt already but it just breaks my heart. Of course I know that we were not a good fit and if we were then I wouldn't be sitting here on this computer right now venting to all of you who have got to be sick of me already. He talked down to me, make me feel so small, after awhile we didn't have anything in common anymore, could never get him to go anywhere but by gosh his buddies could... gosh it was just everything and I saw it then just didn't want to face it I guess. I know I'm better off but it still sucks.

Belly,
What do you want to come out of this? IMO, he is testing the waters to see and may be checking on you to relieve his own guilt.
This is a very challenging situation being that you still share the same residence.
PM me your email. I am going to send you some books I want you to read :) They are VERY interesting.
But FIRST, you need to figure out what it is you WANT-do you want to try and make this work or are you through? This may take some time to figure out and that's OK. If you readily know, that's OK too. I will suggest though that if you automatically want it to work out, how much of that is b/c of your loss of habituality with this person, how much of it is b/c you 'don't want to be alone'? How much of it is b/c you truly love this man?
A lot of what I have read talks about how you need a period of total separation from one another to sort out your feelings and focus on YOU. I read that you feel like you're a total loser at 34, why is that? I am 31 and have felt the same way, but we have our ENTIRE lives ahead of us, we're not old! I think it is great you're job hunting.
My parting thought to you is to take care to not let his contacting you cloud what you need to work through.
If it is meant for you 2 to work out, it will, but give yourselves the best opportunities to do so-through our all time favorite concepts-time and space ;)
Don't 4get to PM me your email addy if you'd like to read some books
Hugs
L
I guess I'm not really sure what I want. I do love him with all my heart but I know that he doesn't feel the same. And I completely agree with him just trying to test the waters to ease his guilt. I really do believe that is what he is doing. But I've found that the more defensive I am with him the more it makes him snap and then I am miserable again. So if I try to be happy then I might start to belive it.
I feel like a loser b/c I'm 34 yrs old and have gone thru bad relationship to good to bad to crappy etc and they just never seem to work out. Everyone I know is married and a lot of them are married at age 24 and then there's me, the one who can't figure it out.
I really wish things would work out b/w he and I b/c I really really want them to but I won't sit here and put up with the crap either and if he truely doesn't want to be with me then I can't make him want to.
Okay so he calls again last night and I don't answer. Surprise, he called again this morning and I did answer the phone. He started out nice asking about my weekend etc (which he aleady knew what I did b/c he called me Sat night) Anyhow, he starts asking about the dog and his brother etc... I respond. someone the conversation moved into how horrible I treat HIS furniture (we picked it out together but he bought is when we moved into this apt---so technically it is his and he never lets me forget it) b/c the dog gets white spots on it from her nose. Whoopie Doo! I constantly have it covered with a sheet or a blanket, I can't possibly control everything. I tell him this and I know he's mad b/c I haven't been answering his calls and I told him that he doesn't need to call and check up on me, I'm fine. so he tells me that he's 1/2 tempted to just move the furniture out info storage so it doesn't get destroyed. How childish is that!!!
I am now annoyed in the conversation and it's quite apparent b/c he knows all too well that I take great care of everything in the apt and have for the past 4 yrs, he's just trying to pick a fight with me. I ultimately told him to stop calling me. I'd be sure to leave checks for him when the bills come in and if he could just be sur that he's not there when I am it'd be great. I am real sad that it's turned out this way but if this is the way it's going to be with us then I'm glad it's over. Time to move on.
Is it possible for you to move out of this place ASAP? He is going to keep hounding you and calling because your living in the same place gives him a reason to. This is very unhealthy for you! If you want to be able to move on you are going to have to physically move away from this guy and his brother into a place that is just your own. If money is an issue start looking through the classifieds or online sites where people look for roommates. You should really consider doing what is best for yourself at this point and giving yourself some space from him. Even if the two of you try to work this out, living apart may be best for you until you can.
Good luck,
YG
YG
http://twodatediva.blogspot.com/