Why does his guilt make me so angry?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2006
Why does his guilt make me so angry?
3
Fri, 11-24-2006 - 1:12pm

I recently broke up with a man I'd been seeing for 5 months. I had been so emotionally drained by the whole experience, that I just wanted it over and done with, and I didn't even want to even deal hear his voice again, so I opted not to do it over the phone or in person.

**Before I get a lecture for this, know that I know this was cold, but I didn't feel obligated to do the "right thing" since he didn't feel obligated to wish me a happy birthday two weeks prior. The way I figure it, if you've had vagina privileges for five months, regardless of whether it's casual or serious, the least you can do is give the girl a friggin "happy birthday." He knew it was my birthday, we'd talked about it before my birthday, and he could care less even then. Instead, he chose to ignore me, go out of town, and then call two weeks later actng like we're old pals and he's just calling to catch up. I heard the "Just callin' to say Helllllooo." on my voice mail and it made me cringe.**

Now, this isn't the reason I decided to break up with him, but it was definitely the last push I needed to solidify my decision. It also made me realize exactly how little I ever meant to him. So I text messaged him, just saying "I need some time to get over this and move on with my life. I can't be your "buddy" right now." Instead of just leaving it at that, which I figured he'd have the sense to do, he called me. And I was stupid enough to answer. He wanted me to know that he was "sorry he had hurt me" and "sorry he couldn't give me what I need." He's just "not there yet." At this point, I am in bumper to bumper traffic, trying to control tears, and trying not to let it be known that I'm hurting or crying, and still unable to utter a single word. Finally after a couple moments, I utter "I know," and, "well, I just thought you should know." He told me he could respect my decision and understood. But he kept repeating how sorry he was. *He still never brought up anything about the birthday - just sorry that he couldn't give me more of himself.* The more he repeated it, the more my sadness turned into anger. He then asked if he could still text me every once in a while, which really made me angry, and I said I'd prefer that he didn't. I told him to take care of himself and got off the phone. I didn't feel like confronting him about anything, I figured there was no point. I wanted to cut my losses and walk away with my dignity in tact. We have several mutal friends, and I didn't want to give him any ammunition to use against me in late night drunk talk, "that crazy so and so."

So why is it that his apologies made me feel worse? His guilt only made me angry. I don't really think I believed his words, is that it? Is it shame for allowing myself to get attached to someone that couldn't reciprocate the same feelings? I found myself actually wanting to reach through the phone and hit him, and for every "sorry" and "I never wanted to hurt you," that feeling grew stronger. I read things on here about people who've had breakup conversation and don't feel like this, where the admission of guilt is actually comforting. Has anyone felt similarly to me, and if so, why?




Edited 11/24/2006 1:32 pm ET by jubeekate
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-24-2006 - 1:24pm

I would say it's probably because you recognized that he wasn't really being sincere. If he was so "sorry", it wouldn't have taken him 2 weeks to call after missing your birthday, or you breaking up with him, for him to say it, ya know?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2006
Fri, 11-24-2006 - 1:45pm
You're probably right. This happened a month ago and I'm just starting to deal with it. I guess I just don't understand why he had to even call - I wouldn't have. It really feels (from my standpoint,) like he did it to get back at me or to have the last word - almost like he broke up with me. I remember thinking that while we were talking that day. From where he's standing, it was probably just to make himself feel better about being such an a**. I know the why's don't really matter after the fact - I feel like a two-year old in the questioning phase...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
Fri, 11-24-2006 - 2:00pm
You're right, the whys don't really matter after the fact, but that doesn't stop any of us from asking them or wondering what's going on and what we could have done and bla bla, all those stupid questions that really don't matter anymore. Don't beat yourself up over it though, we all do it, even when we know it doesn't change anything about that person or about the situation. We will eventually stop asking ourselves and just be over it! That's what I hope anyway! lol