Why does it have to be so hard?!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2004
Why does it have to be so hard?!!!
4
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 2:10am
I know that people have said that it takes up to a year, but...it's really hard. I know that if you want to look at it one way you could say that it was fate that stepped in, but you begin to devote your life to someone...you begin to change the things about your personality that makes them feel uncomfortable...you begin to think about things with regard to the two of you as a couple and then what?! I really never pictured anyone else to spend the rest of my life with. He was the only one...to this point. God, I miss him. I miss the way he smells (even when he smelled bad.) I miss the way he'd kiss me on my forehead and touch my face. I know, I know I can get that from anyone, but he was what was most important to me.

I'm doing well on my own, but memories keep flooding back. The littlest things he did made me happy...or maybe I thought they did at that time. I know this is something that people have to go through, but how am I supposed to trust that when someone tells me they love me that it is for real??? How am I not supposed to be scared about seeing a future with anyone else??? It's funny, how is it that in times like these it seems like every song on the radio is about this event in your life? How is it that every movie, commercial, or even the people next door seem to make you...me think back and relate it to what we had??? It's really sickening...like I've said before sometimes I'm fine but today I'm not.

I know it gets better and a year from now I may think that I was being really over-dramatic, but that doesn't change the fact that now...right now I feel so lost. Our lives were so intertwined and our end hurt not only me but the people we loved. I still see people out that don't know about what has happened and their reaction is the same as mine...shock..."I thought you guys were so great together"..."It doesn't make any sense"...etc. I don't want to be damaged and I don't want to be scared...but I am.

I try so hard to laugh and joke around the issue, but it's still pretty tough. I meet other guys when I'm out, but have no interest. I know, I know I need to just get over it, but really it is easier said than done.

I'm closing on my first home this next week. I'm proud of myself, but scared. I'd been living with him for enough time that this fear I have extends not only from this past relationship, but also to being alone (I was so independent before him!!!). I know that I may meet someone and at some point and be very thankful that this happened, but right now I'm just scared...(now I'm the one scared of commitment.)

I want to be strong...I really thought I was until we broke up, but now I question everything. What the hell happened to my self-confidence? Where did the old me go??? How can I feel so co-dependent???? I need to move on...

I can't even picture sleeping with someone else...(I know that everyone wanted to know that :).)

I'm just rambling. I'm just being self-centered. I just don't have a level head on my shoulders yet...I guess. I just miss him...us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 11:59am
Rainen-

I am on the same exact page as you. It will be two weeks for my BF and I (of 4.5 years) on Friday and I have been agonizing. We still talk and we even hung out last night and are trying to fix this but I fear it is going nowhere and I am going through so many emotions. I feel like I am missing a part of me... it is like we are one person and everything was intertwined. Now it and I am a complete mess. I miss everything about him (even the stuff I hated when we were together) I havent had to deal with many people asking about the breakup because we havent told many people yet. Just in case we can fix this. Oh and I completely hear you about the songs on the radio and the movies its so weird you wonder if the songs were always like this or is someone just trying to torture you. its really nice to know that I am not alone. I just wish we were on the same page of a happier issue! I dont think that you will ever feel you are being over dramatic. i mean its like being in mourning....and right now it is the worst. We just have to keep our heads up and try to be as strong as possible. We will get through this one way or another eventually. Good luck to you and congrats on ur house! Keep me posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 1:42pm
You know--you are so eloquent in how you express this, it brings back all the memories from when I was going through the same thing. You really ought use writing to help you heal. Maybe journaling, maybe by writing a "feeling letter." Have you heard of the concept? There was a great article I read on MarsVenus.com about the stages of a break-up comparing them to the 5 stages of death. I wish I had read it when I was going through my breakup, but it talks about how anger is one of the stages and how anger is actually a healing emotion. I think if I had gotten angry with my ex it would not have taken me so long to heal. It also talks about using the technique of writing a "Feeling Letter" to express your feelings and thus help you heal. You're such a talented writer, it may be very cathartic and helpful for you to try that.

I know everyone tells you that time heals and it's such a cliche but it is true. Don't rush yourself and don't beat up on yourself. And keep writing.

Avatar for bensand
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 5:26pm
Hi,

I think that was so well written , and I know just how you feel ! I almost had a tear in my eye when I was reading it. My boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago and everything you write about sounds just as I feel. I just wanted to let you know that I understand and I know how very hard it is.....


Sandra

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 6:23pm
I'm right there with you. Its been ten days as of today and it's just as hard as it was the first day. This will be the second weekend we aren't together,it kills me to know he'll be out tonight. He's so cute, luckily he's shy. If I see him flirting it's going to push me over the edge, I'll have a melt down right then and there.

I've gone over last day together so many times; is was so much fun, full of giggles, smiles and kiss. The thought of him breaking my heart two days never entered my mind.

I wish we were all in the same city so we could give each much needed hugs.

heartbreak city - Dallas