Why does she no longer have feelings?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2006
Why does she no longer have feelings?
9
Sat, 03-04-2006 - 7:50am

Hi, I realise this is a womans board, but you gals can be a lot more perceptive than us, and I have read some really interesting articles on this site which have helped me a lot.

To start the story, I'd better start at the beginning a little over 2 years ago, we worked together, she was married, i found her attractive, she liked me and SHE made the first move on me, we chatted online and quietly at work for a week or so as I was REALLY unsure of what I was letting myself in for. She confided in me that she no loger loved her husband and "things were basically over" between them.

The first night we met up on our own I wanted to talk, but she basically flew into my arms, and things "started". A week or so later we first slept together, and the following morning I got a hate filled call from her hubby, I cant blame him really, he said some pretty nasty things and threatened to kick her out the house. Later she called as he had taken her keys, money, mobile phone, credit cards etc and gone out, she was desparately unhappy. I got an internal promotion, and we no longer worked together.

Over the next few weeks he followed her about, to and from work, didn't let her out the house without him on weekends etc, he also abused her as she had scratches and bruises on her arms and legs. He always blamed her for what she did, never accepted it was partly his responsability for the way things changed (having a lot of time I read into why women cheat etc). I was there for her all along in any way she needed, I talked to her, she told me she still wanted to be with me, but sometimes she would say she wated to give her marriage a go (basically as his family put a lot of pressure on her, her family being foreign and she didnt speak to them about it much, probably to save being embarrased), I offered her advice, and told her that if she really loved him, and believed he could learn to forgive and stop the abuse and rages then she should stay - if not then to get out.

One day *she* started texting me, this was odd as I hadn't head from her in weeks, texts cajoling me into "coming round", I knew straight away it was him (as I had never set foot in their house before, and she didnt text me since he had found out), I put it off for a couple of hours, 20+ texts later I decided enough was enough, I had almost been to see him a couple of occasions to tell him enough was enough and tell him the truth and that she was still planning to leave but I would bow out and not interfere. Well eventually I went over, and he basically assaulted me, he calmed enough eventually and the three of us sat down (after he closed and locked the door behind me), very uncomfortable we had a "chat", and I was allowed to leave.

When I met her for the first time after this (still me having a black eye and a cut on my arm), I felt different, I felt I didn't care about her so much, I felt cold inside, she was a mess and said she still needed me, so I said I would try for her, as I did still care but not love, and we had already done the damage.

Again it was a couple of weeks before he eventually assaulted her again so badly and kicker her out the house and locked the door, she called the police who helped her pack (the clothing that he hadnt taken a knife to) and she left. I was with her from that night onwards, I was there for her, cared for her, helped her. He eventually took her car from her workplace at 10PM one night when she was working (registered in his name).

Divorce proceedigns took a LONG time, and very expensive, he took ALL the money in her accounts, tried to forge her signature to close her accounts, turned up on her birthday and reduced her to tears and threatened to throw acid in her face, threatened me, hid joint money payng back "loans" to his parents that never existed, "sold" her car for 1/5th its value (which was a lie as he kept the car). He lied through his teeth to the solicitor and judge, but in the end he lost out as it was so obvious his stories didn't even make sense, more than 3 times what she was originally asking for (keep her car and ~10,000 in savings etc in her name in return for leaving the house to him), plus his own solicitor costs of nearly 20,000.

We continued to see each other, and things were great. I could never ask for a more loving person.

Then we moved in together, and she got a promotion, she was under a lot of stress at work, things really went downhill from there, she put on a bit of weight (several kilos), but she still looked amazing to me, her sex drive disappeared. But I never stopped loving her. I worked hard round the house, making it into a home, I believed she was happy. We went away together several times, my family and friends adore her, as do I.

Almost a year later, one week I went to visit my family whilst she was working, no texts, no calls. I came home and I felt something was up, I asked her, and eventually she opened up and said she no longer loved me, had been feeling like this for a while, she tried to force herself to feel something but couldnt. I took it pretty bad. We talked - mainly me - I cried.

I wanted her to try and give us a second chance, I asked what I did wrong. She couldnt tell me, but she didnt want to try, she liked me, and respected me, but was not willing to give our relationship a go.

One week on, it still hurts, we still live in the same house, sleep in the same bed, but we dont touch, kiss, cuddle, anything. She has made it clear when I try to do something - even hold her hand - she doesnt want to even try, she has closed down all her feelings for me. And I am still no clearer as to why.

What did I do? Maybe I wasnt the model boyfriend, sure I'm not a chisel jawed hunk, I sometimes go a day or so without shaving, but what did I do that was so bad her love just shrivelled up and died?

What do I do? With the house deposit being hers, and she earns a little more than me, I cannot afford to keep the house and pay her back her money, to sell the house will basically cost what we have paid in because of closing charges etc, and with the hassle of selling everything we cannot keep, we wont get back what we paid, plus we owe a couple of thousand on home improvements (that SHE insisted on and I was always against, although I could never refuse her anything). So I have to move out my/our house? I am very relictant especially as I am starting a new job in 2 weeks, but she wants it done as soon as possible.

Help, I need advice, please.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2006
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 6:56am
thanks for your feedback ... i'm still stuck on whether i get out asap, or leave it a month - 6 weeks till i have started my new job. plus i need a new car ... *sighs* ... what a bugger of a time to be dumped on!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 8:10am

I'd say a big clue lies in her past. You say you read up on why women cheat but did you read up on women in abusive relationships? Often there's a pattern; they go from one abusive man to another. On the rare occasion they do end up with someone like you (I assume you're a kind, non-abusive type) they can't be happy. Abusive relationships tend to decimate a woman's self-esteem and a woman with low self-esteem cannot truly be loved the way she needs to be. She allows a man to treat her the way she feels she deserves to be treated. In her eyes, you are too good for her, although she may not even realize she feels that way consciously. She feels unworthy of being happy and, without all the drama of the past, she can't function in a relationship. To be quite blunt with you, she needs counseling in a BIG way. You could do couples counseling or just have her go through it alone, whatever she feels comfortable with, but it really is your only hope. Try to see if you can get her to agree to that and understand this has very little to do with you. If anything, the fact that she left that situation at all says a whole lot about you because generally women just don't leave.

Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 12:24pm

Steph....first, I really like all the advice you give people.

However, your statement her that generally woman just don't leave is not a correct statement. The overwhelming majority of marriages are ended by woman who leave the marriage. Just thought I'd respond to that comment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 2:00pm

HI DM1981

HAVE YOU EVER THINK THAT MAYBE THIS IS YOUR "KARMA"..BESIDE THAT AT FIRST YOU KNOW THAT SHES MARRIED...HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDER WHAT THE HUSBAND FELT THAT TIME WENT YOUR TRYING TO STEAL HIS WIFE....NOW I KNOW YOUR FEELING IT...RIGHT? ISNT IT HURT REALLY BAD....NOW WHAT THE HUSBAND FELT COME BACK TO YOU AND THAT TWICE OF HURT....."WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND"....I HOPE YOU LEARN YOUR LESSON....AND I HOPE THAT IF YOU MET SOMEONE THAT IS MARRIED AGAIN....YOU MIGHT CONSIDER RESPECTING THEIR RELATIONSHIP...IT DOESNT MATTER IF THE RELATIONSHIP IS NOT THAT GOOD...WHAT ABOUT IF THEY HAVE SOME KIDS.....YOU NEVER SEE THIS BEFORE COZ WHAT YOU ONLY CARE ABOUT IS "YOURSELF"..

AND ALSO MAYBE YOU WANT TO CONSIDER GOING TO CHURCH ASK FOR FORGIVENESS....COZ WHAT YOU DID IS VERY SINFUL "You shall not covet your neighbor's wife." TEN COMMANDMENTS OF GOD

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 2:07pm

Actually, I was responding to the guy's post in particular about his woman, who was in an abusive relationship. I should have clarified for those who might not read the entire paragraph in context that generally women in ABUSIVE relationships don't leave. That's of course a generalization... If you want statistics, here we go:

--Statistics show that some women try to leave abusive relationships six or seven times before they leave for good.
--Women are most likely to be killed when attempting to leave the abuser. In fact, they're at a 75% higher risk than those who stay.

There are pages and pages all over the internet for why women stay in abusive relationships. There really aren't any statistics on how many stay, so it was just a generalization. I just know from knowing people who've been through it how hard it is to finally get up the courage to leave and the fact that this woman left must say a lot for the man she was in love with.

Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 4:56pm

Ah, I see.

I wonder if the same statistics bear out in abusive relationships. Even though, I agree, that women (and men) have a very difficult time leaving an abusive relationship, I bet it is still the one being abused that leaves more often than an abuser leaves someone they abuse.

Wow...that last paragraph seems like abuse to those that have to read it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2006
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 7:22am

hey, you dont need to type in caps (unless you are deliberately shouting at me?) :P

i respect your view - you dont think i considered this myself? but you dont think i keep asking why she was willing to give him a second chance - yet for me she tells me its over and doesnt want to bother? i devoted myself to her, never strayed, never hurt her, never lied, i have been more open and honest about my feelings than i have ever with anyone else.

i think i let myself be talked into it initially (maybe i gave up too easily, i was always attracted but would never have made the first move), but afterwards the guilt i felt, weeks without hearing anything, all through the divorve my name was dragged out, everything documented and laid out for the courts, i have seen other divorces, my parents when young, both remarried and my dad split again a couple of years ago blah blah. but they are all happy now.

i also read online that some women sometimes use affairs to break up relationships they dont feel they can get out of any other way (i dont know statistically how true this is) - was i just a lever to get away? why then move in and get a mortgage with me if she was having doubts?

now she is putting pressure on me to move out, i hate it, i havent got a start date for my new job even and she's telling me i need to leave asap, i dont understand the speed issue, does she think that she will start to feel something the longer we live together? is she trying to cut the ties? is there someone else she wants to move in?

i have so many questions, but so few answers, she is just clamming up on me and refusing to talk about it properly (unless it involves my immediate living plans).

thank you all for your advice, its good to hear some differing opinions, many i wouldnt have though about myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 9:26am

Yes, you are right that a lot of people use affairs as a way out of a relationship. That doesn't just go for abusive relationships. I had an emotional affair with someone I wouldn't normally have even liked to get out of my marriage. We never took it past flirting but once I'd separated, I couldn't even really see what I'd ever seen in him. He was an emotional crutch and once the need for that crutch was gone, so were my feelings for him. I'm not saying that's what this girl is doing but lately I've started to think that love is a psychological fog of sorts that we fall under. I think we become blind to things and I feel like if you're honest with yourself, you may not be as in love with this woman as you think. You feel like you've rescued her and feel the need to take care of her and that gives you the illusion that you're in love. She just doesn't know how to love you. She can't love someone who treats her the way a woman deserves to be treated because she doesn't feel that SHE deserves it. Until she does some serious work on herself, she'll never be able to love. You hear all the time about women who jump from one abusive situation to another and that is likely what she'll do. She can't believe it's love without all the roller coaster ups and downs she's used to. In short, she's feeling bored with it not because you're boring, but because she has a false definition of love.

And yes, for some reason that poster always types in caps. It makes it very hard to read. Usually I have a hard time reading her posts because it just really does come across as yelling and I don't like to even read yelling! Can't we all use our inside voices? :-)

Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 5:39pm

hi dm1981

sorry if you think i shouted at you....but actually thats the way i type here...hehehehe!!! it seems that you are a good person..nobody in the world is perfect..so i cant keep on blamming you right! well things happen for a reason...and the good thing is we learn from those! dont worry their's a lot more better out there! you just need to open your eye and heart again!! i guarantee you that! good luck