Why doesn't he care...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2007
Why doesn't he care...
8
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 5:46pm
I talked to mutual friends of ours, and they say that he does not seem sad, he is out late partying a lot. It's like he has completely forgot the past two years of our lives have existed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 6:19pm

I dont think he has forgotten the past. I think a lot of men look at this as a new found "freedom" and finally doing what they want. That is their way of coping up. I know this hurts and I am dealing with it right now, when they say it is over, it really is over for them. If they cared and were hurting as much, they wouldn't have broken up anyway, right? So now it is on to new found "freedom" for them. We cannot control that. Unfortunately that is the way it is. And no, I dont think he has forgotten you. He is probably trying to get past you. And this may sound harsh but isn't meant to be. But when guys break up, they want to get back to their lives to what they used to be. So he has decided that you are not the one and he better get going and living his life, as he thinks it.

I am sorry you have to go through this. But in the end, why waste energy thinking of what he is doing. Be with your loved ones, try to focus on being busy..and they say time does heal things. Good luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 12:37am

I agree with the previous poster, men and women have different ways of coping. Us girls, we cry to our friends, wallow in self pity and wonder what went wrong (or is that just me? ;) and guys, well most of them deal by going right back to what they did before you were in their lives, and a lot of times, that involves going out and partying and hanging out with the guys. I'm sorry you are going through this, I feel for you because it is hard to deal with, but just try to stay busy and go out and have some fun yourself!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 1:14pm
I agree with the previous posts. Unfortunately, they are all right. Its not they have forgotten or that they don't care. They just cope in a different way. We eat gallons of ice cream and cry to our friends over the phone. We watch hours of television and clean our hosues a million times. We think its the end of our love lives as we know it. Guys... they can't do that. Picture this... they are out at a bar with their friends.. and he starts crying. HOw much crap would he get from his friends? They would feel awkward and tell him to stop being a pansy. They can't do what we can do. Its okay for us. I talked to some mutual friends after my exe and i broke up. I never brought up the break-up, but they did and asked WHAT HAPPENED? He wouldn't talk about it at all to them... even his best friend didn't know. I said its better left unsaid since they are friends with him too. You know how hard it was to hear them say... "He was so in love with you. I dont understand what happened between you two." All i said was... "he's moving 6 hours away and I can't move there with him." Which is the reason we broke up... He even told me three days ago that it was the hardest thing he ever had to do, because he knew I couldn't move there. I wanted to go to medical school. He said he could do a year of distance, but three... it wasn't plausible. He told me that sometimes he thinks about it and he can't eat or sleep. I told him that I didn't want ot ever talk about it again. That I wanted to move past it all. Now knowing this makes me feel good that he does still care, but it also makes it worse. He still cares and we broke up because he's leaving.. not because we hate each other. It makes me feel bad, because I wouldn't give up my dream to move with him. So knowing this... it makes me feel a lot worse. It makes me backslide a little bit. It makes me think Im saying goodbye to the love of my life all over again. So be glad you don't know what he is going through... Be glad he is allowing you to move on with nothing hanging over you like I have hanging over me. Allow him to have his freedom. And now you take yours. Know that he is probably thinking about you, but he does want to move past it all. So allow yourself to do the same.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 6:43pm
In answer to your question is that he lives his life in the absence of empathy. Now you on the other hand live your life in the abundance of empathy. He doesn't seem sad because he isn't. Tough reality, but these types are out there and you are one of many left scratching your head. Nope it doesn't make sense. The reason is we all have expectations of others feeling the way we do. This person does not. The best thing you can do for yourself is learn about the mind of psychopaths and then you will have the knowledge to start the process of letting go of this pain. It sounds like the past two years meant something to you. Embrace the good and the bad as you walk into your future with this valuable lesson. You will make a great partner for another. About his partying. All an illusion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 7:20pm

When men and women break up men seem to handle the break up better initially, while us women are torn apart. I was looking for the article about this but I can't find it. It said that women actually handle breakups better because we are more in touch with our feelings and we have a larger support system of friends and family. We talk to everyone and get all of our emotions out. We cry, we run it through our heads over and over and over. This is how we deal. Until after a while we pick ourselves up and get on with our lives. While men initially get very excited about their freedom that they missed so much and their old single life. They go out and get drunk and try to meet new women to keep their minds off of their ex's and try to boost their ego's. Then after doing this for a while they start to usually start to realize that this single life they glorified is not all that glorious after all. They begin to feel the sting of loneliness and tend to miss the security of their old relationship. They will often start to think about their ex and all the good qualities they miss. In the article more men admitted that they thought they were fine until some time had passed and they admitted to their male friends, usually while they were drunk, that all they really wanted was for their ex to take them back. They also often admit that she was actually great and he was lucky to have her and that he wished he hadn't made such a huge mistake. So, he seems fine now, but he's doing it intentionally. Men are raised to be tough and not be emotional. They are taught that crying is for wimps and babies. They are discouraged from being emotional. When they would hurt themselves (cut their knee, fall off their bike) their mom or dad would usually look at it and say "oh you're fine." And dust them off or clean it up and say, "it's not that bad." This is their mentality. They don't want to be wimps or babies. So by the time you get over it, he'll probably be missing the comfort and security of a relationship because lonliness will start to sink in. Have you ever noticed that whenever we break up with a guy we are initially devastated then when we're finally doing ok, we've moved on, we're happy, and they're furthest from our minds, then they call. "how are you? I just wanted to see what you've been up to." This has happened to me so many times. I swear it's like clockwork. You'll be ok sweetie. Hang in there. "This too shall pass." Go to this website: www.enotalone.com click on breakups. Read the article, "Break-ups; How to survive them." It is very interesting.

Edited 5/5/2007 7:22 pm ET by mstillie_n

Edited 5/5/2007 7:24 pm ET by mstillie_n




Edited 5/5/2007 7:28 pm ET by mstillie_n
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2007
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 10:18pm
I'm in the same boat. 16 years together (married 5) and we also have a 3 year old son. He started drinking about 2 years ago and it's been 2 years of hell!! I filed for divorce on Monday, he got his papers on Friday. Doesn't seem to matter to him...keeps on going like nothing is wrong. Drinking, partying with 19 & 20 year olds (he's 32) It breaks my heart to no end. All I can figure is this happened for a reason and now I have to try to find it in my heart to not be so angry and allow him to see our son. It's hard but I won't punish my son for his stupid actions. All of his visits will be supervised by his mother tho...keep me in your thoughts and hang in there yourself. They are NOT worth it!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 9:56am

MSTILLIE... THAT WAS EXTREMELY COMFORTING TO ME!!! THANK YOU, I NEED ALL THE SUPPORT I CAN GET RIGHT NOW... ITS ONLY BEEN TWO DAYS, AND MY SUPPORT GROUP IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND, MY MOM IS IN FLORIDA VACATIONING FOR TWO WEEKS, MY SISTER IS IN COSTA RICA, VACATIONING AND ATTENDING A WEDDING, NOT MINE UNFORTUNATELY, AND MY BEST FRIEND IS IN CANADA ALSO ATTENDING A WEDDING, AND STAYING THE WEEK

I AM USUALLY THE SMARTEST ONE WITH THE ADVICE, DONT CALL HIM, TEXT, ETC... AND OF CORSE I DID EXACTLY THAT NUMEROUS TIMES YESTERDAY, AND ALREADY I AM HAVING A HARD TIME NOT CALLING HIM AGAIN THIS AM... I JUST MISS HIM AND LOVE HIM VERY DEEPLY, AND I WONDER WHAT THE HELL HE IS DOING THIS WHOLE WEEKEND WITHOUT ME, NOT MISSING ME? OMG, I AM DYING!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 6:33pm

Hi weeziemez,
Girl, don't call him. Let him miss you. Believe me he does miss you. I asked my ex last time we broke up about what goes through his head. I told him he seems fine. He said, all he does is think of me. He said, "we do everything together. My plans revolve around you and what "we're" doing. It's hard to not think of you. Especially when I go somewhere without you and everyone is asking, "where's T."" Then he said I'll be right back. He went to his truck and brought back a little piece of wood. He carved it into a heart, carved my name into it and put a string on it. He works construction and said that durring downtimes (I guess after he does something he has to sit out for like 30 min at a time) So, durring downtimes he said he would sit there and carve the little heart and think about us and think about his decision to break it off and wonder if he did the right thing. That showed me that he does think about it, he does think about us and he does think about me. He also mentioned that is was even harder because his daughter would ask for me. I think I've cried over missing her more than I have over missing him. Well, he knew the last time we broke up that I was DEVASTATED!! Oh my God, "I called into work SO many times. I'm lucky they didn't fire my a$$!! I was a MESS!!! I cried so hard I was gasping for air. No joke. I called my best friend. She came over and was SO scared. I honestly thought I would lose my mind. I was very depressed. The thing about my ex is that I've known him for like 20 years or so. We were in grammer school all the way through high school together. So if I call him, he'll answer. If he's not there he'll call me back as soon as he gets home. So the last time we broke up he knew I was in pieces. Well girl, he actually said to me, "I just feel bad because I know you couldn't handle it last time. I don't want you to cry all day and night. I don't want you to lose your job." I was like, "oh my God! He thinks I'm pathetic and weak." The night we broke up when we were gonna hang up he said, "well, I don't want to hang up if you're just gonna keep calling back. I'd rather you just cry now and say what you need to say." I was furious!!! That showed me that he really thinks he's Gods gift and he thinks I'll be sitting here waiting. He thinks he can have me back whenever he wants. He thinks I'll fall apart without him and my life won't go on. I refuse to be that girl! I'm working out again, when I go anywhere I get as beautified as I can. I look good I smell great. I want to make sure he drools if I run into him. Plus it makes you feel good.

Girl, don't call him. You don't want to be that person months from now. I know you're thinking, "what if he doesn't know I miss him. What if he doesn't know I'm thinking of him. What if he thinks I don't care!" BEEEN THERE!!! Don't do it. He knows you care. Honestly, I've used all those excuses but what I was really afraid of is that he wasn't thinking about me, he wasn't missing me, he was falling out of love with me. Don't do it. Let him miss you. You're worth missing. Men want what they can't have. Actually if he does think you don't want him or you're not thinking about him or that you're over him, LET HIM!!! He's not God! Don't let him think he is. Be the fabulous woman he let slip through his fingers. Be the hot, gorgeous, intelligent woman that he lost and wishes he could have back but she is so out of his league he doesn't know where to start to make things right. Men like the chase, the ungettable woman. The one they feel like they don't deserve and they have to work their ass off to get. BE THAT WOMAN! This relationship is now broken. Don't settle for broken. You're far too fabulous for that.

Read "He's just not that into you." and "It's called a breakup because it's broken. The smart girls breakup buddy." Both by Greg Behrendt. Both outstanding books. I've read them over and over and it changed my thought process. I alse watch lots of Sex and the City. Just giving you some ideas that make me feel better. Hang in there. Don't call him. As a matter of fact, don't answer his calls. He a freaking jerk and an idiot at that if he would let go of a woman that loves him and would do anything for him. Let him know what it feels to miss you and lose you. Let him know how it feels to regret losing you and feel like he made the biggest mistake of his life. Turn the tables. You be the uncatchable one. You be the one that men have to work to obtain. You're fabulous. They should have to work hard for you. The person you're with should be your biggest fan. He should be adoring you. Remember that. You're worth it. You're beautiful, you're smart, you're funny, people love to be around you. Be the best version of yourself. Let him eat your dust becuase you're so far ahead of him having a fantastic life. I think it's better if he thinks you don't care. He shouldn't be on a pedastool. He's not more special than you are. YOU SHOULD BE ON THE PEDASTOOL!

P.S. Sorry I wasn't here for you this morning. I slept in because I went out (against my will) and had a great time. I was with my sister and her lesbian friends but I still had fun. I looked great and laughed and had fun. Even though there were no men there to adore me it was still fun. Plus all the lesbians were adoring me and wishing they could have me and for some twisted reason that felt good. It felt good to be the most beautiful woman in the room. Go out and have fun. Remember what it's like to have fun without him. You've done it before. You have it in you. I know you can do it. Before you know it, it'll be effortless.
Plus, he won't have space to get over the bad stuff and won't be able to miss you and miss the good stuff if you're right there constantly calling and texting. Let him wonder why you're not calling or texting. Let him think, "wow I wonder what happened? Why hasn't she called? Is she ok? What is she doing?" This whole email thing sounds like it's not something to let go of someone you LOVE! Unless he was hiding something. That's not worth losing a relationship over. And if someone loves their privacy more than they love you then they definitely don't love you the way you deserve to be loved.




Edited 5/6/2007 7:32 pm ET by mstillie_n