Why doesnt he feel the same way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Why doesnt he feel the same way?
6
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 12:31am
Okay...Im gonna try to make this as short as I can. Im 18 years old and I dated my ex boyfriend for 4 years..that was basically my entire life so far...for me that feels like forever. I was his first serious girlfriend and everything. Well we were getting ready to move into our first apartment together in April and out of the blue he broke up with me sayin how uphappy he was and how he didnt have "feelings for a future with me"...I also found out he met another girl that was 26 years old and is a RN so she makes a lot more money than I do. Thats one problem hes had with me..was that i didnt make much money cause im still in college so Im keepin it simple for myself...Well I took the break up okay at first...then I found out that he moved in with this new girl..the girl he knew for about 2 weeks he moved in with..when he knew me for 4 years..yea it was pretty messed up. For some reason I cant seem to stay mad at him or away from him. I miss him terribly and there is nothin i can do about it. I have dated a lot of new guys and no one compares to what he made me feel like. We had something so special and so strong. I never for one second would have wanted anything more than him...well we keep in touch, we talk at least once everyday or every other day..so I know what all is goin on in his life. Him and his girlfriend have had major problems....neither one of them trust each other at all..and they have only been together for about 3 months and already have almost killed each other because of serious fights. He wont leave tho..he doesnt know what it is that is makin him stay..but he keeps givin me mixed signals tellin me how me and him may be together again one day..and he looks at me like no one else does. I do have a boyfriend right now..but I know im not happy..i know who i want...and I jus dont understand how you can spend 4 years with someome and not be "in love" with then, or have feelings for a future..it doesnt make sence to me. Now he spends everynight gettin drunk jus to make him self happy..thats no way to live your life..and im tryin to help him..hes not the same guy he use to be..but when he is around me..I can see how happy he is..he jus doesnt see it, and im scared he never will. I want him back in my arms..and i dunno how to make that happen anymore..what do i do? He is a really great guy and gave me the world, and I could have been a better girlfriend..but then why does he still talk to me? He is unhappy and I know it, I jus dont know what to do to just get over him. I want him and only him but I dunno if im ever gonna have that again, but then im sittin here kind of waitin for him.....uuhh..its soo hard! help me please!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 12:51am

I know it's hard to loss the love of your life after 4 years of dating, but it happened and you need to accept it. He made his choice and it seems that it's not a good one. He, though, won't leave the situation he's in for some unkown reasons. You on the other hand, still loves him and are willing to stick with him despite all the situation. You want him back and are waiting to see if he leaves her. However, the facts say the opposite....he is not leaving her and he's saying that you both could be together "some day", which is just BS. If he wanted to be with you he'd have left this girl long time ago. It seems that he wants you in the back just in case, whcih isn't fair to you.

In your case, I'd tell him that once he resolves his situation he can call you. After having this conversation, I'd cut ALL contact with him. Dear, you need to think in yourself too. You need time to grieve the loss and get over him. If you keep contact with him and keep listening to the same excuses and lies you'll never be able to recover and get on with your life. Unfortunatelly it happened, he broke it up and you need to move on. He's moved on, he's living with his new GF. It' not perferct for him, but he made the choices.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2003
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 11:15am
I will give you the best advice anyone ever gave me. He can't miss you until you're gone. Stop taking his calls and by no means do you EVER call him. Show him what life is like without you. He's a man and you're way too available for him. I broke up with my ex after 2 years and was heartbroken. We kept in constant touch even after he started dating someone else. It wasn't until I stopped all contact with him that he came around and said he couldn't live without me. Needless to say, we got back together and it lasted another year. You may be luckier than me. Men want a challenge and what you're giving him now is his cake and he's eating it to. (whatever that means, does anyone know?) HE CAN'T MISS YOU UNTIL YOU'RE GONE. Seriously...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2006
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 11:26pm
Hi. Its good to see someone my age on this message board that understand that long relationships during teen years are so hard when it comes to break ups. Ive been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. We were eachothers first serious relationships and everything was great , i thought. He kissed and ex girlfriend about a month ago and i just found out. Im so hurt, i cant eat , i cant sleep all i do is cry. I want to be mad at him but i cant. I love him so much and just want to be with him every second. I found out about this about 3 days ago and am trying so hard to be strong. I feel like my whole life is him, hes my best friend my support my everything. I feel like i should break things off and at least take some time but i just cant imagine him gone. I also feel like my boyfriend isnt the same guy he used to be, but maybe im just caught up in the moment. my friends keep telling me i deserve better , but just like you i only want him and what we had. I know how you feel, and how much it hurts to loose the guy whos given you everything and to whom youve given everything. Im here to vent to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 12:23am
Hello, I know what you guys mean Im 19 years old and my ex and I broke up 3 months ago, but having no contact at all and TIME will help you heal. I know how you gusy must feel right now i was in that position i went into depression and got many illness afterwards which left me not only emotionally but physically devasted, and what i can say right now is that its not worth it to be like this just for an A*^%$LEs that dont even carea about us! sorry girls but its the truth WE ALL DESERVE better guys!! ok so just hang on there time will heal trust me!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 1:46am
i just wanted to let you all know that I understand too. I am 21, but I was with my guy since I was 15 (6 years). So its really hard, he's my first love, my first real boyfriend, my first... everything. And my first heartbreak. We have been nc for 11 days, but i emailed him last night. i suck at the whole nc thing (as you can tell by my posts). anyway, just wanted to let you know i am in a similar situation!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 12:40pm
Hey, thanks so much! I hope the best for you and your situation. I know your hurting a lot right now, my advice is to step back away from him for a little while, show him you can do it, and he will realize exactly what he is missing. Thats what i need to do as well. I mean no matter what, when my ex calls me..i always answer..its like i have to. but get out and make plans with other people, and meet other people as well. Unless you can really forgive and forget what he did as of right now then I would def consider a little break just to let him see exactly what he did and how much he hurt you. If you can forgive and forget then stay by his side, and talk to him, and try your best to work it out. If he is tryin to stay with you, and if he is tryin to talk to you and sayin sorry for what he did, then it sounds like he wants to be with you and made a huge mistake. People make mistakes..but if he isnt tryin to say im sorry, and isnt tryin to work things out, then id def give it a break, which is gonna be very very hard. My ex boyfriend was my life, my best friend, and i swear up and down to this day im gonna marry that man lol, and he is still my best friend, we always hangout and talk at lest every day...We just needed this break to figure things out. Even tho he did it in a completly different way, he is realizing the mistakes he made now. Me and my ex went to busch gardens yesterday, and stayed for all the fireworks and all that good stuff, and when he is around me, he is soo happy, and I can see that he still loves me just by looking through his eyes. That makes me want to hang in there and let him get whatever he needs to get outta his system. Me and him have told each other maybe in like a year or so, me and him would click like we did be4 and be together again. But im not waitin by his side for him, i make plans with other people, i meet other people, and i go on dates all the time. Get to know lots of other people, and once you do that, you can determine exactly what you want. And if your bf is that then great, if not then at least you found out now rather than later. And what i dont understand and he cant really explain to me is why he is stayin with this new girl he is with. Ever since we broke up, he started drinking all the time, he gets drunk prolly like every night now, and now he started doing some drugs, and then the other night he carved his initials in the palm of his hand with a knife just to feel pain cause he was pissed off. I dont know what this girl is doing to him, but im very worried and he needs to get out. Thats how i know i need to be there for him, cause im scared he will do somethin even stupider. But if im always there by his side when he needs me to be, he will never realize what its like to have my outta his life, and realize how much i mean to him. So that i need to figure out what to do. IM scared to not be in his life, but im scared that me hangin around all the time for him, is never gonna make him reazlie what he had and want to be with me again, and i want him back! lol soo...wow I just typed like a story lol..sorry..yea i def need to vent to someone lol..thanks so much! what you think i should do bout him!? I know everything he is doing now he use to never do, he was such a good person and this girl is makin him change. its awful! you can vent to me anytime. and hopefully i was some help to your situation. Time heals everything, and it really does..some just takes A LOT longer lol...but things will get better.