Why dont we believe what they say?
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 12-21-2005 - 1:22pm |
My bf sent the following passages to me yesterday via IM. Ive read" He's just not that into you." a few times as well...
* im doing what i want to do....at the expense of your feelings...but its what i want.
* what hurts you is everything i do. In order for you not to be hurt i'd have to stifle alot and that doesnt sound too good to me.
* i want to do what i do...when i do it, how i do it.
Here is my concern with us, with women who are like me:
Ive tried to talk to him about my feelings, how he treats me, caring and compassion..and its all in one ear and out the other, and i suspect this with most women that come to this board.
Now, I dont believe much in the book ..BUT the one thing that is the most truthful thing in that whole book is..
--->Men tell us exactly what they are wanting and thinking...we dont accept it because we think it could change.. and it never does.<----
I am one of these people that has infinite hope that he will change, that will just enough love, he will see me for the wonderful woman I am and want to be with me.
Not going to happen...and Im hurt by it.
Ahh...sorry for ranting, Im hurting something feirce and trying to get up the strenght to do what I need to do...and thats believe the words he wrote to me and leave him.
m

HEre's why women don't "get it or like it" - and put every spin and projectiona nd assumption on what is before them to see and know.
Basically - your feelings are your responsibility and your problem. You have feelings as a result of situations.
Feelings are NOT facts, goals, calls to action, tools of cognition or beliefs or values.
Feelings ARE a result of perception of life + self-esteem + need/want expectation IN LIGHT OF SITUATION.
So nobody exactly feels the same about any individual situation.
When you go oon and on thinking a relationship is meant to "soothe" your feelings, or produce a particular set of feelings - you're totally giving power to the entity of a relationship - vs. the impact of the person that is in it with you.
You have to assess thier character - as determined by their values - which justify their actions, decisions, words, feeilngs, ideas, and desires...in order to determine if this person wants what you want.
It's not eough to "have feeelings of I want a relationship because it'll make me secure, complet, happy, identified and fulfilled"...and then whoever shows intrest in you for thier own reasons - you put onto them the onus of "if you're involved with me, you have to want what I want, and fix what I say fix, and do what I say do".
Basically, the entire relationship - the guy has been doing waht he wants, what he believes is right and his right - in light of his values, prioriites, needs, standards, goals, and self-requirements.
Nothing he's done as been "about/toward/because of/in spite of/despite/for/regarding YOU" as an individual...unless he wanted to prioritize you as an individual - in that moment in time.
That's why you've been so "confused" all this time.
sometimes what he did because he wanted to do it - gratified you and you thought "oh, luck y me, he loves me so much he went to all this trouble, effort, expense or sacrifice".
WRONG....he did what he wanted to do an would have done had you been around or not, the relationship had you "impacted" by his actions and goals at that point in a positive way.
And sometimes when he does what he wants and it upsets, offends, or distresses you - you think "why are you doing this TO ME"...he's not.
He did what he wantd to do and would have done whether you were around or not. The relationship status had you impacted by his actions and goals at that point in a negative way.
It's the "i don't want to displease, offend, upset this person lest they don't want a relationship" - that has you believing everything he does is "because" of you. Becuase literally everything you do is meant to impress, please,gratify, benefit, convenience, or comfort him.
Which is your choice.....to prioritize him and his feelings, wants, needs over your own...but he's NOT required to reciprocate...and no healthy peson would want you if you were doing it, nor would they reciprocate.
Being different from one another doesn't make one of you right and the other wrong. But it can easily make you wrong for one another entirely.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I think that women that are just naturally inclined to believe that things can change and adjustments can be made. I certainly do - I have always believed that if we love someone enough, our differences should not matter. But sadly, it seems that they do (a new realisation for me).
I hung on for over a year to a guy that I always knew was very stubborn and stuck in his opinions - he would listen to me but would never change his mind about ...well ANYTHING. Not one thing over two years did he give in to (politics, movies, love - nothing). He did some things to show me cared that were things he may not have done for other women because he said he loved me - like get into a LD relationship when he didn't believe in them but had to move away. But in the long-term, men don't seem capable of/or interest in making so many adjustments.
All I know is that when a person is so very stubborn that they say what he said to you in such strong words, that you will always be the one who would have had to bend and it would have brought you even more hurt and bitterness than how you are feeling now. I know from how I am feeling myself that these words will not change how you feel - but I hope that they help somehow.