Why is he calling?
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| Sun, 01-07-2007 - 6:16pm |
I was in what I thought was a great relationship for 5 years, we lived together for 3 of it. In the last year, I'd started talking more about the future. I don't want to get married soon, but it's nice to know you both want to be together after this long, so I've brought it up more. Then, 3months ago (right before our 5yr anniversary), he tells me that he's "not sure if I'm the one" and needed space. I gave it to him, but things got more and more confusing bcs I kept trying to work wiht him to fix things to no avail, so we broke up, but I was still talking to him and occasionally seeing him (his idea), thinking he'd snap out of this. In December, he said he thought the only way for him to figure it out was if we both dated other people. I understood, but hate the idea. IT's been about 5 weeks and neither of us have gone on a date yet but are both exploring our options.
Last week I started reading some break up books and discovered the no contact idea, so emailed him and said that we can't talk for awhile. I've felt so much better all week bcs the last few months I've felt very out of control of things, and emotional, and suddenly, I felt like I was back in control a little. I've been really doing great about getting out there and involved with other things and people, and just moved to the city, so am taking advantage and love it so far.
However, he emailed me on Friday to say that he'd be around this weekend if I wanted to talk, and then today (day 7 of NC), called me. I didn't respond to his email or pick up the phone. But in both cases, felt crappy and like I wanted to. I don't have a horrible urge to talk to him YET, but I'm worried that I'll crack after awhile, especially if he keeps initiating it. I know all the books,etc say that he's only contacting you to make his ego feel better, but I'm really confused, and as long as the idea of "dating other people" is on the table, I think it is not a good idea for us to see much of each other. I know it would be really upsetting for me.
But he keeps telling me that he can't not have me in his life bcs I'm his best friend, and that he thinks I deserve better. But I don't want to be friends. He's my best friend too, but I had thought of having a life with this man, and am devastatingly attracted to him, so I just don't know if that will happen, but don't want a life without him either.
Why does he keep contacting me, and do you think it is ever possible to remain friends?

It could be that he just really misses you, or he wants to know you're available to him if he needs you. But the bottom line is, he's being totally selfish--what kind of "friend" would ignore your request for no contact, if that's what you need right now?
It is possible to be friends with an ex, but NOT right away. You need enough of a break with no contact to completely get over your romantic feelings for each other. And for that long of a relationship, it's going to be a while before you reach that point--a lot more than 3 months, that's for sure.
Use technology to help you get through this--block him from emailing and calling you (to the extent you can).
Sheri
life...that's all. Don't cave. Just keep on going.
Susan
"Success is building a foundation with bricks thrown by others."
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Susan
"Success is building a foundation wit
I feel he does love you but wants to date around a while before he really commits to you. Otherwise he needed the space so why is he calling you? I think you should go on with your life like you are happy and just see what happens. I bet he will be back begging for you. Just stay strong and know guys come and go.
I just got out of a 6 year relationship with my ex and it is terrible. We have 2 kids together. He has already had 2 girlfriends and that breaks my heart. Then he will come over to my house and say I should move with him to chicago or go away with the kids and him. So many confusing mixed signals. Then the next day he will be like Well i am getting a house sonn and there will be rooms for the kids. and then talking about a serious relationship with another girl.
My advice is to talk to him but keep it short and keep your spirits up when you are talking to him. Let him know you are fine. Even if you aren't.
Um, I have a question for you:
i agree with sandra upto a point.
why he isn't calling?
simply cause he wants to have his cake and eat it too!!!
he wants to fool around and he is also very confident that you will still be around. that reason alone is good enought o stay away from this mess. it will just destroy your self esteem.
1) you need to move on. atleast for all appearances.
2) yes dont announse NC lans or anythin g- just very very cooly get on iwth life.
3) tell youself you dont NEED a guy who after 5 yrs is still not sure if you are the one. really what more does he need? yes, sandra is right - the q he is asking himself is - do i want her? he shoud be asking - does SHE want me?
4) do tell him thoguth when he keeps initiating contact - i really want no more of this. tired and frankly bored. thisis sur eto shock the life out of him
and my personal suggestion - would be to move on. really i mean even if it works out this time - whose to say that he wont do this agian just wehn you guys are getting comfortable once again. trust is very very important. nothing he said/did would take away the casual way in which he *cheats* ( sorry that whati call it) on you and expects you to be aruond and that you'' buy his promises of new house etc ( my ex did the same thing - i kept falling for his "marriage" plans) its all BS. see it for what it is and walk out ! really!