Why is he still contacting me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2008
Why is he still contacting me?
12
Sat, 03-22-2008 - 3:00pm

Ok..so last week my ex decided to give me a call on the phone (unexpectedly) and I answered the phone thinking it was recruitment agent calling me up for potential job offer. He kept trying to get reassurance from me that the break up was the right thing to do etc (long story if you don't know whats happened its on another thread in the reconciling and healing section). Asked how i was..i just said that i was ok and trying to get on with my life now and then he went about his job thing again to me and finished the conversation with let him know how i'm doing and then we said our goodbyes.

I thought that would be the last i hear from him andthen last night he emails me wishing me a happy easter weekend and asking me what i'm doing and how i'm feeling etc. Then he writes about his job situation again and then signs off by saying take care. The annoying thing was that he called me by my petname that he used to call me when we were together! Argh!

What the hell does he want from me? He hasn't said that he wants me back so why the hell does he contact me? I never initiated any contact anymore either.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sat, 03-22-2008 - 5:03pm

I think secretly when many people ask this question, it's because they want to hear the answer, "Because he misses you and wants you back, etc., etc." however, after many similar stories and situations and seeing the results of most of those, at least on this board, the answer is usually "Because he's human and therfore weak." If he broke up with you, all of this see-sawing on his part can actually be a good thing, but that is only if you do NOT go along for the ride. He's got to deal with the loneliness himself, that's what happens when you breakup with someone. This is the part that gets messed up alot, where the breakee answers and gives in to the breaker and lessens the impact of the breakup on the breaker (did that make sense?)

Basically, he's missing you a little and is giving in to those weak moments. IF you want any kind of chance at reconciliation, you kind of have to force the issue of the breakup, meaning, he doesn't get to talk to you, doesn't get to ask how your day is going, etc., etc. That is part of the breakup, he doesn't get to have you in any way now. Sometimes guys really don't realize what they're asking for when they ask for the breakup, and it's best and ha the most impact to SHOW them exactly what that is by allowing the pain of the separation to take hold in them. It's only when that pain is too great, when they feel they miss you and can't stand it, that they actually come back around and say, "I was stupid, can we please try again?" If you give him bits and morsels of you and your time without him having to come to that realization on his own, it typically backfires and they get "weaned" off you, because you've made the breakup too easy.

Breaking your heart should not be an easy thing.

Good luck,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2006
Sat, 03-22-2008 - 7:21pm

Hey Kumura,


I can soo relate to what you're going through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2007
Sat, 03-22-2008 - 7:24pm

I have been having a hard time with all the contact (might even be more than when we were dating).

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2008
Sat, 03-22-2008 - 8:23pm

Hi pinky diamond

i just don't know what to make of it. I don't bother to contact at all and yet he still tries to. The thing is its his birthday on sunday..i do want to wish him a happy birthday and thats it...no answering his queston of how i'm doing etc. and just leave it at that. do you think thats wise?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2006
Sat, 03-22-2008 - 10:40pm

Hey Kumura,


I personally wouldn't contact him for his birthday.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2008
Sun, 03-23-2008 - 8:21am

Hi Pinky

Its his birthday today..i haven't contacted him (yet!- ihave tobe strong!). One thing i don't get is why does he bother asking how my relatives are? (i'm living with them while I am in the UK)and asking what my plans are for the easter weekend? So far I haven't replied to his blimin email. I figured he has noright toask about my plans or about my family since the day he asked for space...as far as I'm concerned its none of his business! Its as though he doesn't know what to say in his email that hes scraping the bottom of the barrel here. To be honest I don't care about his situation (the job thing that he was so stressed about and said that was part of the reason why he wanted space at the time - not true - he finally admitted thathe didn't see himself marrying me)which he so lovingly gives a description of.

Right now I am feeling a range of emotions..anger and sadness. I do plan on going out with friend later on today for easter sunday (my relatives arent happy about it..but they never told me they were having easter celebrations in advance!)so hopefully that will take my mind off things...i just need to get out of the house. My auntie seems to think i should get over it already but its hard you know?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Sun, 03-23-2008 - 8:43am

Hi-


Happy Easter to you. Please do not call him to wish him a "Happy Birthday" (or email or text). Previous posters are correct, he lost that nicety when he dumped you. You deserve better.


I am 5 months post break up, and was the one dumped. In the beginning I had a very hard time w/ NC. I did call & say Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday, etc. Then I stopped. Ex sent me an E-Valentine w/ the ending "take care". AT one point I had to speak w/ him, about a different issue, and advised him never to contact me again, and to me "take care" means "F-U, I dumped you, and do not want you any more". I realize that is over the top, but that is how I took it. He was doing the "niceties" to assauge his guilt.


I know you are hurting, I still am too. Just know there is someone better out there for you, and one day he will find you, and treasure you. Let your ex hurt, or miss hearing "Happy Birthday" from

seachells

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2006
Sun, 03-23-2008 - 11:12am

Hey Kumura,


Happy Easter to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2007
Sun, 03-23-2008 - 1:32pm

everything you said is so true. my ex (broke up thursday) called me yesterday, after 2 rings hung up. i called back and all he asked was how i was doing, what i had been up to. he said he was fine and had been sleeping a lot.


"If he broke up with you, all of this see-sawing on his part can actually be a good thing, but that is only if you do NOT go along for the ride. He's got to deal with the loneliness himself, that's what happens when you breakup with someone. This is the part that gets messed up alot, where the breakee answers and gives in to the breaker and lessens the impact of the breakup on the breaker (did that make sense?) "


exactly. he dumped you, dont give in. if he wants to be alone and without you, let him see what thats like. my ex seems to want a life like his best friends. weed, video games, staying up till 4 playing more video games. but what he doesnt get, which im hoping he will, is that the difference between him and his bestfriend is that he had someone that loved him and someone to love. he will see how lonely it really is.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-23-2008 - 2:33pm

You've received dozens of responses about why when you've asked this before, but I'll say it again anyway--in short, because you haven't asked him NOT to.

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