Why is he torturing himself?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2006
Why is he torturing himself?
5
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 7:12pm
5 months ago I exited a long-term and serious relationship. My fiance and I were together for 7 years (from when we were 14 until we were 21), but he had grown increasingly depressed and increasingly distant. I ended the relationship because I felt lost - there was nothing more I could do to help him when he was pushing me away and I felt responsible for his unhappiness. Even though I hoped we could patch things up later, I came to the conclusion that he needed time on his own.

3 months later he started dating someone new. I was very happy for him at first, but my opinion of the situation has since changed. His new girlfriend also recently exited an engagement, but her ex was unfaithful and she is having issues due to that. Despite the fact that my ex and I want to be a part of each others' lives she has repeatedly told me to leave him alone and even threatened to fight me if I continued to contact him. Because of this my ex has been trying to cut contact with me, but has said on various occasions that he's found that very difficult. He also hasn't been honest with his girlfriend about our contact and told me he doesn't dare tell her he wants me in his life because he knows how she'll react.

On top of all that during the last contact my ex and I had he told me that he's unhappy in this new relationship, that he and his girlfriend don't have a stronger connection than we do, that he and I have more in common and have an easier time together and, more importantly, that his new girlfriend isn't meeting his needs. He says that even though I gave him everything he ever needed in a relationship and I made himhappier he wants to give this new relationship 100% of his efforts and, therefore, end the possibility of us having a second chance in the future.

I don't understand him. Why does he want to be with someone who isn't meeting his needs and with whom he's unhappy? I've come to the conclusion that this girl doesn't have his best interests in mind and I worry about how she's treating him and if she's going to hurt him. Is there anything I can do?

I hope you can enlighten me about the situation and I appreciate any advice that you give me. Thank you for your time and assistance.

Take Care!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 12:29am
first of all, it sounds to me like he is confused and perhaps needs to 'sew his oats'. 7 years from age 14 to 21 is a huge period of your life and i'm sure you've both changed tremendously over that time, however you are still very young and i think that it's better that this happens now rather than later. i think that you're right, it is confusing that he is saying he isn't that happy in his new relationship however he wants to keep trying. to me i wonder if he is telling the whole truth. also, you never know what the future holds, just because he says there is no change for a 2nd chance, you just never know. that being said, i by no means am saying you should wait around for him--you should NOT do that by any means. however you will have to realize that he may not even be sure of his feelings, what is going on in his head and such right now. did you ask him what he meant when he said these things about being unhappy? again, you might not get the real answer, because he might not even know. i think perhaps it's time to separate yourself from him for a bit and see what happens. good luck...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 12:39am

The great thing about the two of us is that we love each other for who we are - for the parts of each other that do not change and make us who we are. So even though we were together during this time in our lives that is characterized by so much change we're still as compatible as ever (he's even mentioned this fact in the past few months).

As-for the distance, I think that's a good idea as well.

And as-for me waiting around: I am by-no-means waiting around for him, but I really don't expect to find someone as great as him any time soon, nor do I know if I'll EVER find someone with whom I share the same connection with (I felt like I was best friends with this guy from the minute we met and never before or since have I met someone with whom I've felt more comfortable around).

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 12:57am
you will meet someone else you connect with as much as him--you will. none of us can say when that will be, but i can say from experience that i have felt that way before, more than once, and then the next time around i met someone even better. and it was always when i wasn't looking. i know how difficult it must be because you have experienced so much of your lives together. just know that each day it will get a TEENY bit easier. it's ok if you don't meet anyone like him any time soon. now is the time to figure out who you are without him, or anyone. and i promise you that you will learn SO much about yourself in this time. give yourself this time to figure out what you want out of life and those things will come to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 1:32am

That's half the problem for me: I've already been able to find myself again and find the things that I want in life. But it's been bitter-sweet since in finding myself I still see so much of him, and not because we spent so much time together, but because so much of what makes me who I am makes him who he is. Also, in discovering what I want from life I discovered that in a relationship I want the connection that he and I shared and I don't want to settle for a connection that's anything less or a guy whose any less amazing.

I don't fear not finding the same connection again, nor do I fear spending my life without a partner. I don't see relationships as goals. I guess my only fear is a life devoid of his presence (even as a friend).

I'm just struggeling to understand why he's putting himself in this situation and making himself unhappy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 1:04pm
I think it sounds like he's not quite ready for a healthy relationship, which is why he jumped ship to something with a little more drama. You, on the other hand, sound like you are ready for that relationship. Maybe as time goes on, you will realize that there are things about him that aren't quite so great...and remind yourself of these daily. Maybe having contact with him isn't the greatest idea either...do you really want updates on their relationship when you think he's unhappy, but stays with her? That's enough to drive someone crazy!