why is he treating me this way?
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why is he treating me this way?
| Wed, 03-14-2007 - 12:45pm |
ok in order for you to fully understand what Im going through Im going to have to explain the whole entire situation (bear with me this is going to be very long)It all started with my ex Alan (he was before my current ex) when I met him I wasnt looking for anything serious because I had just gotten out of a relationship, plus about 5 months prior to that my dad passed away (december of 2004) well one thing led to another and I ended up in a relationship with him. During the course of our 3 month relationship he ended up promising me forever and taking my virginity, well then I found out he had cheated on me with this girl named Lori, for weeks I had been suspecting it and I was praying that I was wrong. Not even 1 week after our breakup he gets engaged to her and prior to the breakup I had heard from Alan about Lori's ex Tim but I didnt think anything about it. Our breakup was nasty because of how he treated me. Due to circumstances beyond either his or my control he couldnt break up with me any other way but over the phone. Well I was in school that day and the whole day I was scared that he was going to break up with me. I got home to a message on my answering machine from him that said "hey this alan I think for now to keep everything down we just need to be friends I'll call you when I get off work and we'll talk about it then but I think that we need to be friends I'm sorry." in a pancik I tried calling him trying to find out what the reason was and he avoided me. I didnt end up hearing from him until about 10:00 that evening. He said that he had lost his job and that he didnt want to burden me with helping him find a new one which I knew that seemed a little far fetched. I knew what the real reason was he left me for lori. I was completely devastated. I fell into a very deep depression. Now here is where my current ex comes into play. I stayed single for about 6 months because I had a very hard time trusting guys. On February 7th 2006, I was on myspace browsing through profiles just looking for people that I knew and I came across this guy named Tim's profile and something told me to check it out. I did and he had some blogs written one of them was titled help advice neede, me being the kind hearted person that I am, I decided to check it out and see if it was anything I could help him with, as I started reading I realized that this was Lori's ex. Lori and Alan ended up getting married. I look on his page for any kind of contact info and sure enough he had his phone numbers on there. I called him and when he answered I was like is this tim? he was like yeah and I was like youre never going to believe this but Im Alans ex Lisa. We started talking from that day on and as time wore on we realized we had so much in common. I started developing really strong feelings for him, feelings that I had seriously never felt with any other guy. On March 2nd he asked me to be his girlfriend. This was a long distance relationship at first. We made plans for him to come here in June to meet my mother. He was such a sweetheart, we hardly ever argued. We would sit there and talk either on the phone or on the computer for hours at a time. He lived alone, he had a good job, he offered to pay a bill or 2 for me when I couldnt, he was there for me whenever I needed him to be, told me he loved me often, would never ignore me, would call me in the middle of the day just to tell me that he loved me, just sweet stuff like that. When he came here we had so much fun, he took me out to eat on numerous occasions, bought me a teddy bear, made a cd for me, would hold my hand in public and hold me close to him. He wasnt afraid to show his affection. While he was here we talked about moving in together. He wanted me to fly out to Oklahoma and move in with him. We had the date set for August 5th but I found cheaper airfare for the 14th of July so we decided on that date. When I went to redeem my travel voucher they informed me that I was 70 dollars short of what I needed. Tim being the sweetheart that he was sent me a check for it. Before I moved down there he promised my mom that he could handle it and take care of me. On August 3rd he ended up proposing to me and I said yes. Everything was perfectly fine between us up until the end of september after we moved back in with his parents to not only save money but also so he could go to school. Then everything just seemed to go downhill. He started not telling me he loved me as much, if I didnt say it first it wouldnt get said, started drinking more on his way home from work, he wouldnt hold my hand in public, our sex life started suffering, I knew that something was wrong for him to act so bizzarre but he wouldnt tell me which hurt me even more. About a month prior to the breakup his mom and I had a talk and she tried to get me to leave him because of the way he was treating me. I told her I couldnt do that because I had a promise to him and to myself in the beginning that I would stand by him no matter what and I was going to do everything I could to keep that promise. He was going to the doctor and get on medication any way and I told her that everything would change once he was put on medication and I was right. Things got better for about 3 weeks and then abruptly he started not taking his medicine and our arguments started again. He would pick fights with me over the littlest things. The weekend before the breakup I had lost my job and I was really stressed out about it so he took me out to dinner and during dinner he admitted to me that he had started drinking again and that he wasnt taking his medicine. It really worried me because I have seen so many people die from alcohol that I knew what was ahead of him if he continued down the path that he was on. I expressed my concerns to him and instead of trying to make me feel better he acted as if my feelings didnt matter which severely hurt me. The next Monday (which was thanksgiving week) he left for work, and he told me that he loved me as he usually did but it wasnt the same. I had gotten a bad feeling that he had somehow fallen out of love with me and I was scared. After he left for work I sent him a text message asking him if he loved me? He called back when he got to work furious. I tried explaining to him how I was feeling and once again he didnt take my feelings into consideration. Well on thanksgiving day we went to his grandmothers house and that whole entire day he didnt want to be around me. Well by the end of the day he and I were talking and he started saying that God was making him think about our relationship. He said that he didnt know what his final decision was going to be but he said that whatever it was it would be for the best. I was just in tears at that point. I couldnt stop crying. I pulled myself together long enough to say goodbye to his grandmother and we left shortly after that. Well when I got home, I had a long talk with him, and said he was going to take a shower, I asked him if he wanted me to join him like I had so many times before and he said it was up to me. I joined him and we ended up having sex in the shower. He looked at me with love in his eyes and he told me he loved me. The next day he dropped the bomb on me and said that he had made his decision. He gave me bullcrap reasons like that he thought I deserved someone better than him because of his job (hes an auto technician) he didnt feel like he was going to be around much longer, another reason he gave me was that I was holding him back from doing the things that he wanted to do i.e. fixing up his truck and that he wasnt ready to get married and he didnt feel I was either which didnt make sense because I told him that we could have a long engagement it didnt matter to me, and I also told him that it didnt matter what he wanted to do I would support him no matter what. I completely fell apart that day because never in a million years did I think he would do that to me but I know it was the depression talking not him. Well after the breakup, we had a falling out because he was being very coldhearted. He was basically acting like an ***hole to me all because of some song lyrics I had posted in my myspace blog title stupid boy by keith urban. He thought I had wrote it and he blew it way out of proportion and he took me off his friends list. Well it stayed that way for a month, then towards the end of january he sent me a friend request and a message telling me that he wanted to be friends so I added him back to my friends list and ever since then he's been completely avoiding me. I mean I still am very much in love with him. We've been through far too much together, and I dont know what to do because my heart WILL NOT let me let go because I truly know that he and I were meant for eachother and that he will come back to me eventually. I just dont feel in my heart that its right to date anyone else knowing what I feel for him. I just feel comfortable leading anyone on. Can anyone please give me some advice as to what I should do? Thanks.

Hi heartbroken and welcome to the board.
::why is he treating me this way?
He's drinking and off his medication.
::I dont know what to do because my heart WILL NOT let me let go because I truly know that he and I were meant for eachother and that he will come back to me eventually.
Love does NOT conquer all.
Heartbroken
Sweetie, it sounds to me like the advice I'm going to offer might be something you are not ready to hear at the moment. Print it maybe... and some day you can understand where I'm coming from. When a person is suffering from depression, addiction or some other mental issue which is either temporary or permanent they need more than just medication to "fix" themselves. It sounds to me like you are in the middle of a signficantly co-dependent relationship where you are enabling him when you are around and forgiving, and letting him into your heart no matter what he does. His mother was right. You should stay away, even if you love him.
The fact that he was obviously looking for comfort after losing his ex... ironically that she is who she is... it sends up a red flag that he needed a rebound.
If he's drinking a lot, you need to protect yourself. Trust me when I tell you that IF he is an alcoholic there is a low likelihood that he will stop completely and always a chance that he could start again without consistent work on his part. There is NOTHING that you can do to help him, to make him help himself or to motivate him to get fixed. NOTHING. Yes, it is possible that he can do it with you in his life - but old habits are hard to change.
If you want true happiness... walk away happily and realize that some day in the future when he's a whole person on his own, that if he loves you he will come back.