Why is it not getting better?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2006
Why is it not getting better?
4
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 7:56pm
My ex-girlfriend is back from her vacation with her husband and daughter. Last time we spoke was Dec 22 and she told me that she was breaking the relationship with me and just wanted to be friends with me. She made me feel guilty for not being able to move along with our relationship even though she was going back to her husband (for those 'convenience reasons' that I explained before). She said that she loved me not him. No one has initiated any contact whatsoever since that day. I am dying inside to call her. I really need to know about her but I am afraid of losing what I have gained and also afraid that she will not even take my call or will not respond to my message. I am sad every moment and can not stop thinking about her, 24x7. I changed my cellphone so she couldn't contact me after her return. I am sure that hurted her a lot. Now I am thinking? Why am I doing all this? It would be so easy (and less painful) just to call her and know about her, and know what is in her mind and her heart? Is she still thinking on me? What is a worst torture: To call her and be at least connected with her or not contact her and feel this extreme sadness and emptiness. We always said to each other that we would be always connected. Your thoughts will be greatly greatly appreciated.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 8:39pm

It's going to take more than a few days to get better, I'm afraid. But the plus of not calling her is that eventually you will feel better and get to the other side of this. If you give in to your desire to contact her, you'll just have to go through this again at some later date (or stay stuck in painful limbo for months or years, unable to move on--some people choose to do that).

So it's up to you: pain now or pain later. My mantra going through a breakup is "the only way out is through" because you can't avoid going through the pain, unfortunately.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2006
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 11:10am
Thanks much for your reply. You are right, and as everyone is experiencing here, it is so difficult. I think that I have a lot of anxiety and sadness because there were many things that were not spoken of why and how we were breaking up. She just left for her vacation and when she came back we just haven't had any contact. We assume that our relationship is over, and I think it is, but we didn't give ourselves a chance to even say good bye. It seems like something unfinished. Should I try to do something to end our relationship on a more friendly way?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 1:31pm

Closure is hard to achieve. But it is important to realize you can do it on your own. I found this out the hard way, when my ex cheated on me and broke up with me on e-mail and I had to find closure without even being able to have a final real conversation.

It is possible however, and preferred, to handle your emotions yourself and to not put yourself in a situation where you could be more hurt.

Why don't you give yourself the 60 days no contact that people recommend and then revisit the issue then? You might want to give yourself some time and see how you feel at a later date. You'll be less likely to have it hurt so much then, whatever happens.

Good luck.




Edited 1/4/2007 1:32 pm ET by devuchka

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 3:11pm

Two things:

1) "I really need to know about her but I am afraid of losing what I have gained and also afraid that she will not even take my call or will not respond to my message"

What have you gained? What do you hope to gain if you call her?

2) What husband in their right mind would allow her to still be your 'friend' after all that has happened between the two of you?

Every time you want to call her, write her an UNSENT letter instead. Vent on paper. DO NOT send it, but rather burn it.


Carrie