Why is it so important to get answers?
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| Mon, 12-12-2005 - 11:11pm |
I was just wondering about this as I've dealt with my own feelings and read other posts.
In my therapy session today, I worked myself into a tizzy over questions I'll never know the answers to. Was he lying to me all along? Was his goal simply to get me to fall for him? Did he really have feelings for me? Did I somehow hurt him? Why did he say he would be patient with me and then bail? Why did he call me his girlfriend and then dump me the next day? Is there someone else? Is he sorry? My therapist kept returning to the fact that he mistreated me and some relationships are just not meant to be. To keep obsessing over these questions about HIM gives him all the power and takes away from my ability to define the experience for myself and move on.
This is all true, it makes sense and I would give this advice. Yet I keep returning to those questions and wondering about him. I know ultimately the answers don't matter because for so many reasons, he's not the right guy. Is there anything healthy and normal about continually pondering these questions? How do I/we stop?
So I wonder how others approach this. Why is it so important to get those answers? Is there anyone who feels that it will actually help? Are there others who have tried to get those answers and felt/didn't feel better?
Talk some sense into me.

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If I've learned anything with all the breakups I've gone through, it's that the "why" doesn't matter. What matters is that it's over and you're not right for each other (if you were, it wouldn't be over). Now, that's not to say that it's not normal to ponder all the "why" questions as part of the grieving process (I think it is)...but ultimately, accepting that you're not going to get answers (at least not answers that will satisfy you) is where you need to come out. I'm sure you'll get there eventually.
I used to stay in contact with exes to try to get answers...and of course, none of the answers satisfied me (or they'd say "I don't know", which was even more frustrating!!!). Not only did I increase my recovery time by staying in contact, I didn't ever get any answers that helped! It took me 3 years to get over one ex I was with for 4 years, because I was so focused on trying to understand "why" (and because I allowed him to keep in contact with me). Once I finally accepted that he just wasn't capable of being who I wanted and needed him to be, without understanding exactly "why" that was so (and blocked him from calling me), I finally got over him. So I learned the lesson the hard way that focusing on "why" doesn't work and now I focus on not being right for each other (without having to know the specific reasons why). That's not to say the "why" questions don't come up, but I don't feel compelled to seek answers because I know that they won't help.
Of course, in my situation with the LD ex, that doesn't work as well, because he never actually broke up with me, so there's a whole extra layer of frustration. But I do find that with this situation I'm not so focused on understanding "why" he did it as I am on the fact that he *did* it, period. Wondering (or even knowing) "why" isn't going to help me in this case...the pain has already been caused.
Sheri
And perhaps the only questions that matter are the ones I/we can answer. Such as, why did I get involved with someone whose appeal was so transparently one-dimensional? What was I hoping to get out of it? Why did I overlook the warning signs? What have I learned about myself and my needs as a result of this?
I believe the temptation to focus all the questions on the man are symptoms of low self-esteem. I felt validated by his attention, and somewhere during the affair, even as I was holding back and playing it cool, I had given him too much power over how I felt about myself. So to focus the questions on him only continued to give him that power--what he thinks (did he ever like me? did he get tired of me?) will continue to determine how I feel about myself even when we're not longer together. Wow. Holy sh@#%! What a concept.
Sheri, your situation is that much more difficult because you had to determine that it was over from his noncommunication. Any decent human being knows how hurtful it is to go incommunicado with someone you profess to care about. But your ability to identify that, use the noncommunication as your sign that it's over, and decide that it doesn't matter why he disappeared shows tremendous maturity and strength. I can't wait to get there.
Hi santabarbarachick,
I know exactly what you mean about getting answers. My bf of 4 1/2 years left town and the way I found was going to his apartment and finding someone else living there. 2 days later, I received a box with some of my things and a letter "explaining" why he had left. When I had no answers at all, I thought, "If only he had just left a note or a message." When I got the letter, it helped a little, but then I wanted more info. I'm afraid that we will always want more and more answers--nothing will be enough. I do think that some information is good to have, but at a certain point you have to realize that no matter what the answers are, it doesn't change the outcome of the relationship. And you're absolutely right that obsessing about all the questions only gives him power. For me, I think that I feel that I have lost total control and that having answers would give me more control back or something. In reality, I doubt that would be the case, but I still can't help wondering, wondering, wondering.
So what I'm trying to do is keep telling myself that none of this is important--it won't change the fact that he left, it won't bring him back, it won't mend our relationship. I think that some of the "answers" that I want would truly only hurt me more. I hope that after a time, the need to know will lessen and I'll be able to move forward and I hope the same for you. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and that your feelings are very normal.
Hugs, Laura
With my last boyfriend, I was the one who broke up with him, and even though he wanted answers, I just didn't have them, which was understandably frustrating for him. I can't say why things didn't feel right, why I wasn't attracted to him enough anymore, why I wasn't into the relationship. And I can honestly say I didn't know why - it just was.
In my most recent rebound type fling, I was frustrated by his sudden lack of enthusiasm, and drove myself crazy wondering why, and eventually found out it was because his exgf came back into the picture. That made me feel better initially, but still drives me crazy.
So I guess the answer to your original question is that even if you get some answers, you'll always have more questions. So whether you get answers or not, we have to just move on. It doesn't make it easy, but it's what we have to do.
Thanks for the input. Good food for thought. I guess we have to remember that asking the questions is part of the recovery process, not what will bring it to an end. Getting the answers isn't the point--maybe just asking them helps us to process and then eventually file away the experience. And eventually, I hope, we stop obsessing over the questions simply because we get tired of asking them over and over.
What I hope is that we all move on to bigger and better things, be it a new relationship or anything that brings personal fulfillment, and those questions that haunted us so much shrink into the background and then cease to matter at all. If I win the Nobel Prize, who cares whether the ex who dumped me ever meant what he said? There are better, more meaningful things ahead.
I noticed that as I talked about him today with friends, I wasn't as obsessive about rehashing every little detail of the relationship's unraveling. Granted, this was a very brief relationship, so the comparative loss is nothing compared to what some of you are going through. For me, it was more the abrupt end and unfulfilled hopes that hurt so much. Anyway, you really get tired of asking the questions, especially if you've resolved not to seek the answers from him. You analyze them every which way by yourself, with your girlfriends, with your therapist and eventually, you get exhausted and bored of this repetitive exercise. That is how I felt today. It doesn't mean I am over the relationship, but I hope it means it's one less source of torment to deal with.
Edited 12/15/2005 5:12 am ET by santabarbarachick
You're so right--I am just so tired of rehashing everything--tired, tired, tired. And it doesn't bring me closer to the answers, not really. That doesn't mean that I'm not still doing it, but I think I'm going through all the questions and details less and less. Thanks for the insight!
Laura
And I could sense that my girlfriends are getting tired of hearing
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