why men are all like this??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2006
why men are all like this??
21
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 8:45am

Why there are so many emotionally unavailable men out there?!

I had a struggling relationship last year. we finally separated at the end. Then this year, another relationship started, I thought everything went well, but when we really got close to each other. BANG, I got dumped again. They are both great people, honest, nice, caring, but they don't want to commit. They both told me how great I was, but they don't want relationship. 1st guy said his life was mess, we met at a bad time, he wanted to be single craps. 2nd guy said when we got too close, he got scared, he thought he was ready, but he wasn’t.

I keep coming back reading other people's post here for a year. I found there were so many people had worse situation than me. Girls with their BF for 2 years, 3 years, 5 year, even 8 years, when "where does this going" conversation brings up or when the girls get comfortable, the guys start to freak out and pull away, even suddenly stop calling! When I am reading their stories, I could even feel the pain. How could we deal with this sudden loss, we didn't even do anything wrong! I know there are nothing wrong with us, only those guys have their problems, selfish, immature, insecure... but we are the ones have do go through the pain caused by them! We had invested so mush emotion and time on someone, but now we have to do things to get over it, grieving, no contact, acting insane among friends...

I know we all need to be strong. We are all modern ladies, have good education, good jobs, and financially independent, we don't NEED men, but we do WANT someone special in our lives and share special things together.

I have been reading some relationship books and articles posted by Sandra, I still don't understand why we have to suffer by guys' problems, when we really haven't done anything wrong and have tried best to make the relationship work!!!???

Have anyone remembered in Sex and the city the "Burger" guy
First "I think we need to take a break... I don't need to talk, I need to think. i need some distance to sort things out..."
Carrie was thinking “what? Am I some horrible job he needs to get away from?...what am i supposed to do now? Just sitting here waiting around to find out whether he chooses me?"
Then typical someone like Miranda says “why don't you take this time to think about what you want? Remember you! What you want!"
What's next, break always leads to break-up, on a post-it “I’m sorry, I can’t. Don’t hate me”.

I like Carrie’s words “people say everything happen for a reason. These people are usually women. These women are usually going through a break-up. It seems men can get out of a relationship without even goodbye. But apparently women have to either get married or learn something. Why are we in such a rush to move from confused to confusions? Do we search for lessons to lessen the pain?”

Yes, we have learned alot from all past relationships, then, what's next? Applying our knowlegde for the next one, and preparing to learn something new?

I'm not being negative. I still have my hope that someone without any issues will come along eventually, but sometimes I'm afraid it's a fragile dream.




Edited 6/5/2007 8:58 am ET by echohhh

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 9:06am
The thing about blindsided break up is there is no lesson. You said it "we did nothing wrong". We don't have to change, they didn't give any signs. It just happened....no lesson to be learned. So that is the lesson, I've learned, it just happens and there is nothing you can do about it. My favorite Sex and the City line "Yea Love, woo hoo"!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2006
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 9:32am

Yes, blindsided breakup has nothing to do with us, and I like "no lesson to be learned. So that is the lesson".

However, I'm the one always try to learn something. Maybe this is really just one way to lessen the pain. Maybe i'm wrong, what i learned from the blindsided is I could never totally trust the things guys told me.

The guys always keep sayting how much they like us, how many things they want to do for us, or even the future was coming out of his mouth. We listen, even without saying anything, we remember them in our heart. Then, suddenly, they just change their minds, or not sure about things, leave us confused...we feel all the dreams in our mind are broken. That hurts even more than losing the person.

The lesson I have learned is: Action speaks louder. I would never trust the guy until he really does it!

I know it's hard. Beliving those craps is also the way we enjoy being in a relationship with someone...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 12:54pm

Hi,

I like this post I feel like I can relate. My bf of 6 years and I broke up a year ago and I am still confused and angry at him. I'm defintely sad about the dreams that won't come true now.

My bf wanted a break (like Burger). He is still on that break (which is now a break up thankfully not on a post-it. He says we can still be together someday that i should never say never. Which has slowed my moving on process although i have dated. But I know realistically and probaly for the best we won't be together again. I want to meet someone new and better! I do have hope...somedays not as hopeful.

Anyways my point of this was to say and I wonder if anyone feels this way is that guys today don't feel like they need to committ...they want FREEDOM and to do things with friends all the time and they don't have the pressure to settle down with someone even approaching late 20s. I just find myself jealous of men and of my ex for being able to do whatever they want and still they can pick up a 20 somthing year old no matter how old they get. Arg!

I don't know its weird being single...for a year i was like woo hoo im free dating like crazy now that its more final i am like...really I am single?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 1:37pm

Hey, Echo, I'm a guy and here's my take on this - first, better to have learned he's a flake BEFORE you actually tied the knot than afterwards, 'cause that'd really suck.

Bottom line is that I really believe that women don't read the signs a guy is giving all along and then get stunned that they got "blindsided" buy the guy walking out. Not to say that all guys are gonna walk, but I believe that women, moreso than men, believe what they want and tune out what they don't.

Guys have ways of sending messages to women that say, "You know, not really that interested", whether it's working late, taking on more business travel, not being as available for dates, doing more things w/ 'the guys', or simply being crappy in conversation. The issue I ask is, "Think really hard. Did you see ANY signs of anything that indicated he wants to move on? 'Cause I'll bet he sent the signals; did you receive 'em?"

You know we don't talk (I mean, I do, but most of us don't) because we're conditioned to be strong/silent (most of our dads were that way, those of us who had dads). It doesn't mean guys are impossible to get to know or that we're all knuckle-walking, slobbering chimps who just want to get action (again, I am, but I've undergone extensive therapy to better understand myself - JOKING, I'M JOKING!).

It means that when you date, you have to be eyes open ALL the time, even if the messages you're receiving aren't pleasant ones. Dating is about the hardest thing a person can do - how in the hell are you supposed to find someone you actually like, want to see them on a regular basis, have them make you laugh and have a decent job, oh, and you have to want to sleep with them, too? I mean, come on. Dating's a joke.

I can say that. I've been married almost nine years. But it is hard as hell to find the right one. You have to do three things - stick with it and not quit, be eyes open all the time, and never, EVER give it up too easily to any man.

David
www.BeBetterGuys.com
The Guy's Guide to Getting a Life

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 4:10pm
I can totally relate. My ex told me he needs time to decide, that he can't make up his mind right now, he has too much on his plate, but we might get together one day, like the power is all in his hands. As an intelligent woman, I asked him to just tell me that it was never going to happen because that was better than maybes. He told me he couldn't do that because he still loved me and was in love with me, but we fight too much, and he isnt looking to date anyone else, but if he meets someone he will go on a date with her. What is that supposed to mean? Am I the back-up plan? I just don't understand men.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 4:30pm

Oh wow...so similar! And I thought my ex was a total loon but they are the same! I don't even know why my ex still says we can get back together--i don't even think he means it anymore now that it's a year later (even tho he still says it!) I think it just makes him feel like he is being nice or appeasing me but then I also then feel like the back up plan...

Basically I tell myself I need to focus on me. I was doing quite well when I blocked him out 100%. It was hard not knowing how he was or what he was doing but it was better than knowing because I have been on both sides. It sucks that they have the power but if we can build our own lives by the time they come back begging we can say "no, thanks!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 4:34pm

Oh goodness, before I even got to davidb's reply, I was shaking my head thinking, "There is no 'blindsided.' They just weren't paying attention to the signs." Guys are communicating all the time, but they usually don't do it in words, so you MUST focus on men's actions, and not read into them more than just what you see in front of you. Believe me, you'll be happier that way. If you don't believe me, try it and then get bak to me.

I say that because when my ex and I broke up, I also felt completely blindsided. Had no idea there was anything wrong, I actually thought we were getting closer. So the fact that I was thinking that and we broke up does NOT mean my ex was a great actor, I realized afterwards it was because I wasn't paying attention. Sometimes the truth hurts.

Take what davidb's written to heart, I've seen several of David's posts and he's always insightful and very helpful.

And is it just me that thinks Carrie on Sex and the City was a neurotic commitmentphobe? I'm seriously hoping women aren't taking her character on as some kind of role model, except maybe for her taste in shoes, but that's about it. Her relationship ability sucked. That show taught women alot about strengthening their friendships with other women, but did little to improve communication and understanding between the sexes, or to remove the stereotypes. I guess that's the beauty of satire, though ;)

Someone (you?) said they read some suggestions by me, and I'm completely flattered. I'd like to suggest two for you, if I may:
Working on Your Relationship Doesn't Work by Ariel and Shya Kane
Make Any Man Want You (or make Yours Want You More) by Marie Forleo **It's not at all what the title implies and it IS quite the kick in the pants that I think would do you a world of good.

If you or anyone else has been having a hard time moving on moving forward, then it's typically because your focus is in the wrong direction. It's not always them, sometimes it's us.

Best,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 7:22pm

Brilliant advice! One thing you have to realize though David, is that lots of us think that we can love a man enough to fix any situation. We know, whether we care to admit it or not, even if it is on a subconscious level, when men are starting to back off. But, instead of giving them space, us girls hang on for dear life until we smother the poor guy! We think love can fix anything. We were raised to believe that love conquers all, that love will find a way, that love will keep us together, well you get the rest. And then we will live happily ever after!

Scant few of us have a realistic view of life and love and marriage, we grew up watching perfect couples on TV who solved all their lifes issues in 22 minutes and being read fairy tales theat end in "they lived happily ever after" and most of us began planning our wedding and picking our bridesmaids in second grade. And that is exactly what has landed us here. We thought forever meant forever and armed with that knowlege we were ready to conquer the world with the power of our love! TADA!

Then big chunks of reality landed on our heads and we found our way here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 8:41pm

Trust me, you can't fix anything in a guy you don't like any more than we can fix something about you that we don't dig...however, I have had success getting my wife to put her clothes in the hamper and her shoes in the closet.

Small victories, you know, small victories.

'Course she got me to be nicer, more sensitive to her needs, more respectful and tasteful, a better lover...ewww, I think I'm going soft on y'all!

David
www.BeBetterGuys.com
What Your Girl Wished You Knew

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 9:37pm
One thing I learned a long time ago, you can't change anyone. If you can't accept them as is, then you need to find someone else. So many women go for the fixer upper kind of men, I know that I have to like them just how they are and to accept the things I don't like so much.

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