why men are all like this??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2006
why men are all like this??
21
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 8:45am

Why there are so many emotionally unavailable men out there?!

I had a struggling relationship last year. we finally separated at the end. Then this year, another relationship started, I thought everything went well, but when we really got close to each other. BANG, I got dumped again. They are both great people, honest, nice, caring, but they don't want to commit. They both told me how great I was, but they don't want relationship. 1st guy said his life was mess, we met at a bad time, he wanted to be single craps. 2nd guy said when we got too close, he got scared, he thought he was ready, but he wasn’t.

I keep coming back reading other people's post here for a year. I found there were so many people had worse situation than me. Girls with their BF for 2 years, 3 years, 5 year, even 8 years, when "where does this going" conversation brings up or when the girls get comfortable, the guys start to freak out and pull away, even suddenly stop calling! When I am reading their stories, I could even feel the pain. How could we deal with this sudden loss, we didn't even do anything wrong! I know there are nothing wrong with us, only those guys have their problems, selfish, immature, insecure... but we are the ones have do go through the pain caused by them! We had invested so mush emotion and time on someone, but now we have to do things to get over it, grieving, no contact, acting insane among friends...

I know we all need to be strong. We are all modern ladies, have good education, good jobs, and financially independent, we don't NEED men, but we do WANT someone special in our lives and share special things together.

I have been reading some relationship books and articles posted by Sandra, I still don't understand why we have to suffer by guys' problems, when we really haven't done anything wrong and have tried best to make the relationship work!!!???

Have anyone remembered in Sex and the city the "Burger" guy
First "I think we need to take a break... I don't need to talk, I need to think. i need some distance to sort things out..."
Carrie was thinking “what? Am I some horrible job he needs to get away from?...what am i supposed to do now? Just sitting here waiting around to find out whether he chooses me?"
Then typical someone like Miranda says “why don't you take this time to think about what you want? Remember you! What you want!"
What's next, break always leads to break-up, on a post-it “I’m sorry, I can’t. Don’t hate me”.

I like Carrie’s words “people say everything happen for a reason. These people are usually women. These women are usually going through a break-up. It seems men can get out of a relationship without even goodbye. But apparently women have to either get married or learn something. Why are we in such a rush to move from confused to confusions? Do we search for lessons to lessen the pain?”

Yes, we have learned alot from all past relationships, then, what's next? Applying our knowlegde for the next one, and preparing to learn something new?

I'm not being negative. I still have my hope that someone without any issues will come along eventually, but sometimes I'm afraid it's a fragile dream.




Edited 6/5/2007 8:58 am ET by echohhh
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 12:44am

Ok, David and all, that really set me thinking. The signs were always there and we didnt want to see it. Or we had excuses for that sign. Or we thought it was just one of those 'men things', or something busy with their work. Or we thought we could still keep giving the love so they come around. Then boom, they just stop calling or emailing, we are like, what is going on.

But what I still dont understand, is why some men, and looks like why a lot of men just play the avoidance and not come out clean and say it instead of this just get off the face of earth as far as we are concerned. My thing would be like - ok, so you want to break off, instead of signals, just say so and it is cool. No, they have to play the avoidance part. Now is that normal ??

Ok..and even if there were signs before, what do we do as women? Unless we are told upfront, we keep being understanding and keep nurturing the relationship..until it hurts even more when they one fine day stop emailing, calling, want nothing to do with you and move on without even a glance at you. Why do we women want a farewell, a goodbye..and I still have written so many goodbye letters that I have not posted. And it has been 6 months and I am thinking of a last goodbye letter. Maybe I should just do it and this will help my closure. What do you guys think??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 8:07am

....."But what I still dont understand, is why some men, and looks like why a lot of men just play the avoidance and not come out clean and say it instead of this just get off the face of earth as far as we are concerned. My thing would be like - ok, so you want to break off, instead of signals, just say so and it is cool. No, they have to play the avoidance part. Now is that normal ??"......


For men it is because many times, men cannot verbalize what they are feeling or thinking. They've not been taught how. So many guys get vilified, even if they really truly don't want to hurt us, they still get called creep or jerk for not being able to say, "This isn't working." So many of them get vilified for actually saying, "This isn't working." It's a no-win for guys. And then there are the tears, which equals more feelings, and oh by the way, the most intense feelings imaginable, which they are not typically able to deal with. They'd rather stick their eyes with a hot poker than make a woman cry, so they avoid it.


Men are taught from the time they are little boys, "Boys don't cry," "Shake it off," "Men are tough," "Crying is for sissies," "hurt feelings are for little girls," "Strong, silent type," they are encouraged to and even cheered when they stop crying after they get hurt, they are raised with role models like Clint Eastwood, their version of playing is competition, solitary adventures, or play-fighting, not "playing nice" or group activities. They don't socialize the same way women do. Have you heard little girls play, all the way into teenagers, they talk nonstop. Talk talk talk.... Boys, they don't talk as much, if there's more than two of them they automatically choose sides and play-attack each other either in sports or in armies. We're similar in many ways, but we are, in fact, different.


The shock for men comes when after all this silent aversion to feelings all their lives, the women in their lives all of a sudden want them to be as expert in verbalizing and addressing their feelings as women are. Women's secret: They want their man to be capable of crying, but their entire world rattles if their man actually cries. It's still a no-win for men.


This isn't to say that men can never or should never have an outlet for their feelings, what it does mean is that the One for any man will be that one woman who will be able to inspire him to access those feelings he does in fact feel very deeply, and who will be able to create the safe and open environment within the relationship in order for him to be able to do so.


Men actually act on their feelings, when something doesn't feel good, they don't talk about it, they do something about it, that includes walking away. So what women should consider is honoring their own feelings, their own boundaries as to how they want to be treated, and not accept less than that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2006
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 8:41am

Thank you for everyone’s opinions.

I think, as women get stronger, we trend to be clearer about what we want, career, life, but men are more confused than ever. I feel men give up too easily, when the road gets rough, we are preparing to work on the problem, but men like to escape from it, they just quit. Maybe, men are thinking, the other road is easier. They don’t want to face the problem. Is that how they walk away and seek something new?

Do men really understand there is no easy way? So they don’t want to commit, they reckon that’s the easiest way to deal??

I understand men don’t like to talk about hard stuff, feelings. When things get rough, signs speak their words. I have read “he’s just not that into you”, so I do aware of that.

What we suppose to do? Is the ideal way like this: when we do see the signs, we should speak out “do you want a break”, or pull away from them without saying anything?

Is this what relationship looks like?

By the way, I don’t think Sex and the city means to be a dating textbook. They just show the common problems women (single women) face nowadays and the typical types of guys we may date.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 11:05am

Thanks Sandra, for that insightful reply. It really helped to get some of the answers I was seeking. And guess I will hold off on any goodbye letter. That ain't going to get no response so why bother.

Echohh..thanks for this thread. I, for one, learnt a lot reading thro some of these replies. Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 12:30pm

I'm thinking that men are confused because they're having a hard time figuring out their place in women's lives.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2006
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 10:07pm

Thank you Sandra.

If can't do anything about men's problem, then we do need to concentrate on what we want.

*do somethign about it besides just talk*

yes, it's a better "communication" way with guys rather than only talk.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2006
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 1:51pm
Wow! Well written. I agree, I just had this guy who was so nuts about me just stop calling. 2 months of him gushing over me. Done. We had a great date last Friday, physically and emotionally. Did he really need to sleep with me twice, and then decide, "Nah", and just stop calling? My God, did he not stop to think how this would make me feel? They seem to have no conscience, they stop. It is on-off, black-white, no gray area. No maybe, just NO. I am not talking about a 15 year old guy either, someone who is 38, and one was 40. What do they think, they can just walk away and not even say good-bye? No explanation. I sit here and wonder what I did. Yeah it must have been that great breakfast I made for him that did it. Yep, she can't make eggs the way Mom does, it's over.... And here I am thinking, well, yes, things happen for a reason. Maybe I have been saved from a creep. There must be more I need to learn. Yeah, I am learning there are a lot of self-centered, selfish, no conscience men out there. I want to ask them how would you feel if some guy treated your sister or your daughter the way you treated me? Where are the morals, ethics, manners???? It is like we are dealing with cavemen. In the last 10 years I have met no one substantial. I did all I could. These were professional, smart men. I am not an ogre. I was asked to model just last year, and I am turning 40 in a few weeks! I do not want to spend my vactions with my girlfriends. I want someone to share my life with, to share moments with, memories with. This guy had me totally convinced, and I had my wall up, I was really not buying it, then as soon as I do. BAM. It's done before it can really start. And I have no idea why. And I get to deal, and now I AM depressed over it crying. I cannot believe this. My phone in not ringing, and the sick part is I have hope for some stupid romantic miracle. I am starting to think love is a made for TV movie, that it is not real. Has anyone seen that new ad? Life is Short get a Divorce! Sad, I really think love is a fallacy. I never was cynical, now how can I trust anyone? After you have been lied to and lied to and lied to it is really hard to believe.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 12:40am
ok I just had to write, as being a victim of this BLINDSIDED breakup myself! there were totally NO warning signals, nothing! he was all about me, treated me like a princess, met all his friends, talked about what we would be doing 6 months from now, then 1 day out of the blue after a fabulous weekend, he broke up saying he was sorry I had to be hurt because of what others had done to him & he really enjoyed being with me that is what scared him. ( he had a horrible divorce, followed by a 2 year live in relationship that barely had ended when I met him, but had started out like us) there is not one moment that was even remotely bad ( we were only together a little over a month) we were so into each other & it was awesome! I have never had anything like this happen ever! I now believe He was falling in love with me & I with him & he did get scared. I never would have believed you could fall so fast for someone, but I felt it & I saw it in his eyes, to the point it overwhelmed me. I remember those moments & at the time something in my head telling me to remember this momemt because it is important & real. But at the same time I remember thinking why that moment, why was it so important, I can't explian that, some kind of intuition maybe. anyway, the point is, all i did was make him happy, I would not have done a thing different. So anyway the point I'm making is there are definately times where there are absolutely no signals.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2006
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 5:17am

"there are definately times where there are absolutely no signals"

I agree. Similar to your situation. The guy I was with didn't show any signals. He broke ankel, I was in hospital with him after operation, then we had 2 weeks seperation. He called me everyday, talked online, he planned everything we would do after he heals. Then I took care of him for 3 days, out of blue he got scared. I think maybe things just look so great between us, and I did talk about what I may want in future, then he got scared, wanted to run from the intimate relationship.

I just believe he does have his problem that has nothing to do with me. He needs to be on his own and works on it alone.

We don't deserve to be hurt by their self-centre and immature.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2006
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 10:05am
I can relate too. He asked me if I thought he is the one, how many kids I we should have. Yada, Yada, Yada. We had a great date last week, made him breakfast, we made plans for this week, said he would call, and nothing. Sadly last weekend, laying in his arms I felt that feeling too, I swear the moment of falling in love with someone. I felt such joy, and happiness, it was overwhelming. I almost started to cry it was so powerful,and now I sit here alone, no phone ringing, trying to forget his words, and think of them as that. Think TALK IS CHEAP. I now really do look at actions, those speak louder, but even when their actions are talking, you can get blindsided. I don't get it either. I just don't. At least he told you a why. I did not even get that. He just dissapeared.
No rhyme, no reason. And as women I think we sit and think, ok, what did I do, and go over every little detail searching for an answer. I doubt MEN EVER do this. They move on, and I hate to say it, but usually they jump to someone else, to forget, maybe to kill the emotions. Who knows. I think they are all are truely from Mars. All the best to you, I feel your pain, my new rule, if it is too good to be true it probably is, and you deserve better. That was an excuse for whatever reason, he was afraid, etc. You don't need a guy to do this to you say after you are married. Consider yourself saved, and if it was meant to be, this guy will wise up and figure out what he lost. Most likely the best thing that ever happend to him. L