why men love bitches

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
why men love bitches
4
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 6:57pm
so i read that book, and some things make sense, but it seems that she never addressed how you get to bring up issues and stand up for yourself if you always blow them off, or only say one sentence about them, to get your way. how do you bring something that's bothering you up without nagging
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 10:26pm
Bring it up in a way where there is no blame put on him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-21-2006 - 4:49am

saweeti....

First...PG takes issue with the book: "WHY MEN LOVE BITCHES!"

I've read portions of it. There are a few entries about male behavior that are DEAD ON...and others that are completely OFF-BASE!

Anyway...here's an answer to your question about bringing up an issue to a man without sounding like you're nagging.

TIMING IS EVERYTHING. If a man has had a rough day at work, is sleep-deprived, or is feeling like his professional world is crumbling...the LAST thing ANY woman should do is 'bring up an issue that will make him feel even worse than he already does!'

Some of us can deal with criticism better during the early morning hours...while others handle it better over dinner or dessert? When you talk to us about stuff that's bothering you:

1. Keep your remarks down to a few sentences. We'll understand the problem a little better. Then if we have questions about why you don't like something we're doing...we'll ask them!

2. Don't go dramatic on us! If you approach everything THAT ANNOYS YOU ABOUT US like it's an 'armageddon factor' (aka THE END OF THE WORLD)...we'll eventually 'clam up', let you rant and make no effort to change! We might turn angry at YOU and use language that would "make a sailor blush!"

3. DO NOT treat us like we're 'little boys who need to be reprimanded!'. Because the more you do this...the quicker we'll "tune you out!" Present your problem or concern, but spare us the comparisons: "her husband/bf doesn't behave this way...why should you?"

Any intentional 'verbal guilt trip' will only succeed in making most men ANGRY at their wife...or girlfriends...or or in a few instances: BOTH!!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Sat, 10-21-2006 - 9:24am

Excellent comments PianoGuy. Love the man's POV! (BTW, I'm a violinist, also known as Violynist. ;)

And BTW, I love both of these books & used the techniques to get my ex who I thought was really hot. I think we would have gotten along a lot better if I'd KEPT using them but eventually I got tired of playing hard to get, and his commitment issues kicked in so things just went as they were going to anyway. Nevertheless, I love the books & recommend them to all my friends.

I've found that expressing lots of appreciation for the things a guy is doing right is important. And phrasing my requests in a manner where they are about what I need in a non-demanding way, without necessarily telling him how to do things. Just here is what I need, what can be done about that? That way he gets to provide the solution and doesn't feel controlled, while I get my needs met.

I really struggled with this in my last relationship. There are some theories that say that you shouldn't ask for more time, love/sex or attention (aka the book Getting To I Do). That you should just move on if you don't get them, and let him come find you. That would have involved me saying "I'm going to see other people who want to go out Saturday night, since you aren't asking me" instead of telling him I want to see him then.

Part of me really wishes I hadn't asked for these things with my ex, as I did get them but he left anyway, no doubt to his extreme commitment issues. Not to hijack this thread, but I'd be interested in folks thoughts on what a girl can ask for and when she should just pack her bags.

BTW Pianoguy, I'd be interested in knowing which parts you think are way off. I could cross them off in my book. ;)




Edited 10/21/2006 9:40 am ET by devuchka

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
Sat, 10-21-2006 - 12:35pm
i'm also interested to know, what are things that are "dead on" and "off base"?