WHY no NC?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2007
WHY no NC?
6
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 8:01pm

OK, I understand that contact can (does) prolong your healing just another day, maybe even sets you back further than that if/when you don't hear what you want to hear (e.g., "I F'd up, I want you back!!!" - how often does THAT happen?). The desperation of staring at your e-mail inbox, waiting, which could go on for days, only sets you back and makes you even more crazy and tortured. And yes, there are the dignity issues, but if your ex isn't the type to betray confidences and be mean about it, that is less of an issue, no? I mean it's already over, how could I mess it up worse?

But I think the NC rule might be easier to follow if more of the "why not?" was answered.

I'll be honest, I had a flood of urgency to contact her, even wrote the letter - good therapy if you don't send it, huh? Seems more insane to write a letter to yourself...

One of my (insane, irrational, desperate, panicked) instincts is that if I don't contact her, she won't fully understand how deeply I feel, and that time is of the essence. As if how I feel matters, right? All that matters (from her perspective) is how she feels, I know. But the idea that if I don't call/write/e-mail, clearly I don't care that much and I just must convey this to her one last time is an overwhelming one. I guess the opposite is true; the *less* I contact her the *more* likely she'd be to call, not the other way around? If all she hears from me is how I am grieving, then she equates talking to me with sadness? C'mon girls, you've likely been on the other side before, help a brother out.

Look, I know this is over but I can't imagine chopping my hand off with a rusty saw could possibly hurt worse. Frankly, it might be a nice distraction right about now (j/k). If someone could just convince me that contacts this soon (one day out!!!) are not only bad therapy but also counter-productive in all ways I think NC might be easier to manage. Just the idea that I am suffering like this and she is going on about her life oblivious (I know she isn't, but it seems that way, otherwise why wouldn't she be here helping? See, irrational lunatic). I just have to know that I've done all I can, then I might have some peace. Calling, writing, can't help, can it (if there is any chance at reconciliation)? She was pretty clear that she is gone, but we spent the entire night crying, shaking, holding each other, and she looked worse off than I did. Nonetheless, she was firm and left the next day...

I do know she still loves me but the fire just kind of died. I treated her like a queen, never so much as flirted with another woman, but the fire left and she wanted more, and she drove off after a very sad, long evening. 2 years almost to the day...

I swear this $#!t isn't worth it. I'm joining a monastery.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
In reply to: anyrandomname
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 9:50pm

Chances are, if you two were crying and shaking and she STILL got up and drove off, I don't think one letter is going to change anything. (not to be cruel)

If not for yourself, then NC for her. She needs time to heal too, and if you're always contacting her, you're not respecting her desire to let go and get on with her life. Once you ok yourself with one letter, you're going to reason yourself into another letter and another letter and a phone call until, at some point, you're going to make the transition from wonderful ex boyfriend, to this crazy maniac that won't leave her alone.

She'll decide she made a huge mistake or she'll get on with her life. But she'll do that on her own.

And if it's still not convincing, write the letter, sleep on it, and look it over in the morning and see if you still want to send it.

cheers
Susanna

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2007
In reply to: anyrandomname
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 11:15pm

Thank you Susanna for your kind and insightful post. In my current situation, I need all the help I can get. I just hate the idea she doesn't know exactly what she has done (maybe I want her to hurt for hurting me, but I want to be above that). I was thoughtful and decent and put her first during the relationship (and look where it got me). It's hard to want to keep being the selfless guy trying to protect her. But you are right about "only one" contact. It would be hard to stop if you don't hear what you want to hear. Besides, I doubt the "OMG how you have ruined my life" letter is very effective.

It just seemed like I was making some headway during the Big Talk. I was even too nice then and didn't pounce on her (harder to leave after breakup sex - sorry, not gonna feel bad just for thinking it). Too damn nice for my own good. By morning I knew my window was gone. So many windows before that I'd give anything to have back. You just can't go back. Just two damned weeks ago I could have done something.

I swear I'd pay anything or take anything to be past this. It seems B/E's are like hangovers - they get worse not better as you get older. Starting to hope for an "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" treatment.

Tonight, after jotting down a few more oh-so-insightful thoughts in my letter to myself, I'm closing the laptop and going to my parents house, so I won't be able to send anything. Screw it, I'll sleep on the couch and keep mom up until 4. It's funny, I see how my mom tries to trick me into talking about other things and why she is doing it.

Just wanted to make sure this NC thing isn't an exercise in needless or counter-productive self-flagellation (I guess that would be contacts, not a lack of them). I know there have to have been *some* contacts that have worked, since every situation is different. I realize the odds are against me, and that I am a desperate idiot looking for a loophole even talking about this. It is just so counter-intuitive, like "your hair is on fire but don't put it out!"

But thanks, all this plotting is still better than grieving or contacting. Nice trick. ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
In reply to: anyrandomname
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 12:05am

lol. no sweat.

But seriously though, good idea. I broke the NC rule for 2 days after my break up. Looking back, I'm MORE ashamed of breaking NC and crying and weeping on the phone and throwing my dignity to the wind. In hindsight, I'd much rather have gone "fine, you want out, good bye" and kept my dignity.

But I truly understand your feeling. You think if you don't get her while she's still fresh, you lose your chance. Or if you walk away without trying everything you regret it. If there's one thing that begging on the phone did was, give me peace of mind. I walked (or crawled..lol) away knowing I'd done everything on my end, and it was his fault. However, the price you pay for that is your dignity lol. I don't recommend it.

cheers

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: anyrandomname
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 1:20am

Welcome to the board anyrandomname,


Oh, where to start....


The trouble with wanting to 'set the record straight', have her KNOW what you are feeling, what's she's done, all that comes from the Ego's need to be right, to explain things, to be heard, to be validated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2007
In reply to: anyrandomname
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 2:49pm

Thank you, Carrie (and Susanna). This sort of feedback is so helpful. No friends in my life that can really help (guys are different). I got away for two nights at mom's, which kept me (almost) sane (needed to get away from the scene of the crime). Jesus H I see now why you don't do this at home and taint your living space! But if there is hope to save something, it isn't in the park. Big risk that backfired. I'm a bit better today (back at home), but it seems to creep up as the day goes by. Depression, hopelessness, grief, and panic all wrapped into one.

I was so gawddamned close a few times but I didn't do any contacts. I still have this nagging feeling that letting her know what she has done (again) would be good for me. Why should I spare her when I am in agony? Why should she get off with the easy out? I could avoid the whole weepy thing via e-mail. Nagging...

I still can't believe she did this to me. Anger starting to rear it's head (that has to be an improvement?). How I was so good to her and yet she could do this to me, just go about her life, with mine afire...

Thanks guys. I will be checking in again.




Edited 7/22/2007 2:53 pm ET by anyrandomname
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: anyrandomname
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 7:38pm

I totally understand you wanting to vent at her, about her, etc. because as you said why should she get off easy.