why not me? what is in his mind?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
why not me? what is in his mind?
1
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 5:09pm

Gosh- where do I begin? (I'm sure you all have thought that b4 telling your story.) Let's see- I am 29 years old, I have a 3 1/2 year old son, and I am still terriably obscessed with my cheating boyfriend. A brief overview of our relationship: we met in the summer of 2002, I fell in love almost instantly. He was my EVERYTHING, but unfortunately we were not on the same page, so after dating for six months we broke up. I wanted more, he just wanted to keep things the same. Two days later I was checked into a rehab facility for depression and trying to hurt myself. The two days that had passed from me leaving his apartment sobbing, and my doctor admitting into rehab- I had been drinking and doing drugs heavilly to numb the pain. The mixing of the drugs and alcohol, just sent me over the edge and now I have scars on my arm forever. I left rehab two weeks later. I called him just once, to ask to please not call me and to leave me alone, I had not told him I had been in rehab or that I had hurt myself. Two months later, I get my first phone call from him. It's Valentine's Day 2003, he would like to get together and talk, he felt that we had ended on such a bad note, he had to see me and make sure I didn't hate him. (Oh, and he was lonely) Well, I fell for it- drove over to his place. Next thing I know we are having sex.

There has always been this chemistry and attraction, and it is nearly impossible for us to deny it. The sex was amazing, sorry if that is TMI, but it was- the best I had ever had with a man. Before we broke up, I trully believed he was my soulmate. I was 24 when we met, and had had several relationships, so I was not a naive person,... at least I thought.

Six weeks later, yep- You guessed it...I'm pregnant. I had not been with anyone else since him, I had stopped taking BC when they put me in rehab, and I had just finished my period when we slept together and just wasn't thinking. I couldn't stop, I thought I wouldn't be roped back in, but I was. That was the only time we had sex-- I called him the day I found out I was pregnant and he immediately wanted to see me and talk. So, we both took off from work and met at his place to talk. We were both in shock, he told me had just started dating this girl he works with, and he wanted to know what I wanted to do. I told him I didn't believe in abortion, and I was going to be 25, I am not going to be irresponsible. I had a good job, an education,..... I told him I was going to go through with the pregnancy. I could feel he was upset about it, he didn't say the words, but you know how we woman can sense things. So I told him that I would give him some time to think, that I was not asking for marriage or a comittment, but I needed him to be in or out. ANd I gave him a whole month to decide if he wanted to be involved with our child or sign his rights away, and never be involved.

Exactly a month later, b/c I told him to really think and do some praying and we would not talk in between now and then, unless he made up his mind-- I called him, he agreed to be apart of the baby's life, he was not ready to be a dad and he was scared but he said he would work on it. It made me happy, yet apprehensive b/c I didn't know how to handle this situattion. He kept in touch with me, went once to the OB with me, and towards the end we started to get close again. I guess it was my growing belly, and I could feel the baby kick and we were just getting excited about meeting our new son. We had come up with a name, he helped put the nursery together in my apartment, and started to spend the nights at the end. Long story short- we talked and decided we wanted to try this again- our relationship- so we ventured back into a relationship.

It wasn't until the Spring of 2005- 2 years later- that I discovered that he was cheating on me with that same girl he had started dating when I told him about the pregnancy. It so happened, I was using his camera phone to take pics of our son, when I saw the infamous text message. At first I denied it, it was a bit generic, but I could tell it was from a woman. I jotted the number down and didn't give it much more thought till later that night. I had my best friend call the number to see if a girl answered, well one did. So, I still was in denial- He was out with his friends- so I called him and asked who that number belonged to. He played dumb and then hung up on me, and wouldn't answer the phone when I called him back. That's when the pain started in the middle of my stomach- the wind had been knocked out of me and I felt like someone had reached in and torn my insides out.

It took me about three hours, but I finally got up the courage to call this number, b/c I would rather hear it from her- b/c he is acting guilty. I called her, I was polite, she was shocked to hear he had a g/f let alone a son. She said they had broken up, but he had contacted her about nine months ago, and wanted to rekindle things. He never mentioned me or our son. (No we did not live together, but we might as well have. He had his own apartment)

I was floored, he had been cheating on me right under my nose. I had never thought he was the kind of guy to cheat, I believed evrything he said and thought he was the last person who would ever cheat on me. Boy was I blind!

So that was Spring of 2004, we broke up, went to court to get things straight for our son, but then he asks for a paternity test- I was infuriated. I wasn't the one who cheated, and also he had been raising and loving his son for a year and a half. Anyway, he never went through with it b/c he knew he would have to pay for the test, if it came back positive. ( I swear I thought I was a guest on Maury Povich)

Here I am now- Summer of 2007- In the Spring of 2006, I had started dating again and was trying to get through this- it was so hard, but the guy I was seeing was so sweet and understanding. As soon as my ex met him, he wanted me back and nothing was going to stop him. I remember him telling me that he was going to go buy a ring and was going to propose, and he wanted us to try again, he was sorry...blah, blah, blah. I started to consider giving him a second chance. Partly b/c I still loved him and I wanted to have a family for our son. So after a month of his pursuing behavior, the guy I was dating told me that he understood how I felt and he would rather I go back to my ex and see if we could make it work, b/c he was afraid I would always be in "what if" mode.

Strange, I know, that this man I was dating was encouraging me to go back to my ex. But nevermind that- I got back together with my ex, I was scared, we went to couples counceling and were moving into the house he had specifically bought for us. A few months passed, things were going good, we hadn't moved in yet b/c I had to take care of the lease on my apartment. For some reason, thank God, I never gave my apartment up. I wanted/needed more assurance from him, and didn't have a ring yet.

I finally had had enough, I had yet another meltdown. This time I really hurt myself good and was taken out of work for short term disability. During this time, I had been seeing a therapist (same one since Sept of 2004) and was Rx for depression. But it wasn't working and I was just getting worse. I hid it from him and everyone else, b/c I couldn't go into rehab again. It was a nightmare. I did talk to my physcians concerning it, and they agreed to increase my therapy sessions and switch my meds.

But I was still unhappy. Thanksgiving night, I took his car up to the gas station to get coffee creamer, and for some reason I had this immediate desire to go to his house. (he was at my place with the baby) I got there, and found condoms in his trash can, and in his dresser. I was livid! I went back home,... never said anything to him. We went to bed- the next day- Black Friday- I went to the store bought two twelve packs of beer and locked myself in my room, listening and crying to sad music. He didn't know what was wrong, and I remember being hysterical and telling him what I had found. He claimed they were not his. A friend had used his house and he didn't know anything about the extra condom in his drawer.

I just couldn't do it anymore- I remember feeling like I wanted to die. I wanted to end the pain and suffering, and I probably would have attempted suicide, but I couldn't think of which method would be best. (O/D or slit my wrists) Then I came out of that funk b/c I loved my son and couldn't bear to leave him. It was then that I realized that I was in a toxic relationship. (Yeah took all that time) I kicked him out. The clothes he had at my place, I took scissors to and cut them to pieces- then hand delivered them to his porch. I know that sounds extreme, but all I could think about was if I didn't use these scissors on his clothes I was going to use them on myself. (I sooo get Brittany's meltdown) Pain and betrayal can cause some people to do crazy/insane things, in the heat of the moment.

Anyway, since last December I have fought with myself every day to move on with my life and forget him. But for the life of me I can't. If he asked I think I would give him another chance. I know he doesn't deserve it, but I cannot get past this. It has consumed me to the point that I have not been back to work for a year. I collect LTD money amd child support. But I am totally obscessed, and I can't stop. My depression and anxiety is at a record low and I am completely lost. I don't know what I want. But I know I have to move past this. But I still can't stop the obsessive thoughts or behavior. I have done some really seedy things....I still have a key to his place, so I will occasionally go there and erase messages from his phone, I once had his phone calls forwarded to my cell, that's when I realized he was seeing two other women.

But tonight, I went to his house to talk to him... I found his car had been smashed in and he was nowhere to be found. I went to his friends house, saw that he was fine, and just started bawling. I was so upset that he didn't call me when he had the accident, he was taken to the ER, and called his friend instead. Since our break-up last December we have had on and off relations. I usually can't turn him down, when he starts to be charming and sweet. But I knew he was sleeping around, and sure enough, I found proof in a letter from the same girl he cheated on me with in the beginning. She said she wanted more from him then his "FB", and they were meant for each other... totally floored me, cuz I had no idea she was still in the picture.

I just don't know how to reclaim my life. I am suffering, my son is suffering.... I just don't know what to do. He and I have completely severed the intimate part of this- back in May. It only happened twice, but mentally it was too much for me. I couldn't handle it. I hate myself, I hate my life, I am so unhappy. And I want so badly to be able to move past this and date again and find a great guy. But I have to fix this broken part of my life b4 I start a different chapter. How do I move on? How do I stop the obscessing? How do I stop loving this man, who doesn't deserve me? I know I have low self-esteem, and am dealing with depression. But I want to be happy- I really do. I just can't crawl out of this hole.

If you have read all of this, I thank you- any advice or encouragement is welcome.

Thanks,

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 2:05am

Why don't we begin with what you HAVE accomplished so far?

1. You managed to recognize you were in a toxic relationship and got yourself out.
2. You kept to your convictions and had your son.
3. You've managed to stay strong for your son thus far. That's a big accomplishment in itself.
4. Speaking of Britney, you had the strength to realize you had a problem (depression and drug use) and seek help for it.

It may not look like much to YOU, but there are hundreds of people every day, in better sitations that cannot accomplish a fraction of that list up there. For someone who sees herself so poorly, you've done some very impressive things. In fact, although it may not feel like it, you've gotten yourself over the hardest part - the initial break and resolve to leave him. Now it's just a matter of following a few simple steps. And do this RIGHT NOW, no matter how lousy you feel or how much you dont' feel up to it.

1. Stop all contact. Don't contact him in any way, be it phone calls or sneaking into his house. Everytime you sneak in to erase his messages, you're hurting yourself more than you're hurting him. Stop doing it to yourself. If there's any NECESSARY contact (involving child support for your son, ie), get a friend to do it. In fact, take that key and give it to someone else to dispose of. If you feel the need to drive over to his house and talk to him, go take your son out to dairy queen or the park instead. I'm sure he appreciates your company and effort a lot more. If you can't resist, hand over your keys to your next door neighbour for the night after work. It's OK to admit you're out of control and make sure all temption is out of reach.

2. Get back to work for your peace of mind. Your spare time is literally killing you.

3. Change your cell phone number. Tape your house phone shut.

4. Take the time to bond with your son. It can be as simple as kissing him good night or giving him a hug in the morning. Play trains with him an hour every day and resolve not to cry. It's good for your self-esteem to know that there's a little guy that loves you with the innocent unconditional love of a child. And remember that you are his example, even at that young age.

And everytime you think about going back to him, whatever the reason
1. He cheated and lied to you. He doesn't respect you AND YOU DESERVE TO BE RESPECTED.

2. He DOESN'T LOVE YOU. No matter how he tries to pass of that he does.

3. Everytime you give him another chance, you're telling your son that it's OK for men to lie and cheat and maltreat the women around them.

You WILL get through this. God never gives us more than we can handle. Good luck. Anytime you feel like you can't go on, drop us a post and we'll nudge and push you until you're on your feet again. God bless.

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your