Why pour your heart out now??

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Why pour your heart out now??
5
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 5:09pm
Hi everyone,

I posted here a few days ago because I left my boyfriend of six years. We had still been living together for the past week...yes, I know. Live in the NYC area and housing is a mess. But, I had been doing really well. I ended it quickly because I felt like I had given him 800 chances/explanations over the past nine months to grow up and become an active participant in our relationship. I barely spoke to him this week and made sure when he was home that I was out. Spent time with friends. Giggled. Talked about how men are dunces. You know the coping stuff. I had been doing pretty well with anger....well, I just get an email from him about how he's been sad all week, and realizes it's time to move on. How he hopes that in the future we won't lose each other like we did in our relationship. How he doesn't want to go through thinking about me all the time to not thinking about me at all. About how he's scared for the future and no matter what direction we go, he wants us to still be friends. Ladies, anger is back..with a vengeance!!!

I know he is just opening up to me. But at this point, that is soooo not fair or wanted. He was supposed to open up to me when we were together, not apart. He was supposed to do so many things when we were together like take out the trash, pay his rent on time, pay the one bill he is in charge of on time (all of which he's been doing this week). I could pull my own hair out right now. Even as I write this I know what is happening. I know he's just as messed up and emotionally immature as he was one week ago. But, still, he needs to back off. I am not his friend right now. I am my own friend. Sorry if this sounds mean. I have given this man every chance in the world and he just doesn't have a clue. Thinks being a partner is having a mom.

Just venting, I guess :)

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 5:43pm
Hey,

I hear ya!! Since my ex broke up with me, he's been more caring, more responsible...and I hate it!! Why couldn't he be like that when we were together? Maybe then we wouldn't be where we are today (ahhhh, the ol' "what if" game....gotta love it). glad to hear that you are being your own best friend these days. It doesn't sound like you are being mean at all. Vent away!!

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 6:04pm
Karen,

You're totally right. The what if game is such a pain in the butt, isnt it? You start wondering... and then before you know it, you're depressed again, because you cant believe that its over.. because "It could have been so..." . What stinks is that "ITS" not. I'm beginning to think that these guys dont know what they want themselves, so they try and keep that little window of opportunity open to crawl back in case they decide they do want to be with us.

ARGH! Its frustrating!!!

Stay strong, both of you!!!

Di

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 6:42pm
Thanks to both of you!! Just reading your emails makes me feel grounded. I wrote him an awful email back, which I *didn't* send that said I would never trade all the pain and sadness I am in right now for the anger I had been living in for nine months. I would rather be this sad than feel like a house wife and mom. I've worked my butt off for so long to be a healthy, dynamic, educated woman...and I have finally come to realize he doesn't want that kind of woman. He wants a mom, he wants a porn star, he wants a one-sided emotional support system. He wants someone to run the house, pay the bills, clean up, and smile all the way through because he runs his own business....Well, wake up Mr. 28 year old man child. I run my own business too. God, what year is this??? 1960? These boys need to grow up. I'm tired of knowing wonderful woman who are in love with and frustrated with half grown men.

And yet it still hurts. I am still sad. But I guess I have to give us all credit for having the emotionally complexity to mourn and understand, simultaneously. It doesn't seem like the boys do.



Thanks to both of you again. Seriously. You both are amazing women!



iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 8:50pm
Kt, your post reminds me of my ex. . I work 2 jobs and work seven days a week, have my own house to maintain, plus a 16 yr old daughter. I did all his laundry, fed him all his meals (he keeps NO groceries at his house, cept beer!) not to mention PAId for the groceries, wrote out all his checks, anytime he needed a gift for a relative i got it, i helped out ALot with his 3 kids who live in FLA and come up for the summer for 6 wks... and apparently it still wasnt enough. Towards the end i was feeling so used and was wondering why i was even doing it. He was always up his house doing various projects and built a big addition on to his garage and was starting a little business .He would complain that i didnt want to come up his place and hang out while he worked in the garage, and he would say there are lots of things up here you could do (meaning scrub his floors, weed his mulch,etc. ) Heck i didnt even have the time to do that at my OWN place. I just felt like all he wanted was a slave to cater to him. THen i would feel guilty that i wasnt doing enough. Well it all ended anyway when he just didnt bother to call one day and the next day he said he had gone on motorcyle ride ALONE......well after much prodding he confessed he went with another woman and KISSED her. I was furious to be treated like that, specially since i had just did all his kids laundry and packed all their stuff up to go back to fla. the very day BEFORE he did this. THe very next day after they were gone, he takes another woman out. I never felt so used in all my life. I had juggled my work schedule for 6 wks. so i could watch his kids in the morning since he left for work at 6am. I took all his possessions up his house the very next day while he was at work. 6 wks. later he calls saying he thinks about me all the time and he broke his own heart and made a mistake, and can we be friends........ unbelievable......!!!

Id be lying if i said i didnt miss him, cause i do, and i still cry 2 months later. 4 years isnt easy to walk away from. I just hope i can get thru this pain to be my old self again!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 12:39pm
Everybody needs a good vent now and again!! Let it all out!!! If you aren't ready to be his friend, then tell him so. The two of you probably need some time away from each other to completely get over one another. If later on you decide to be friends-great, if not no big deal. Good luck!!
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