Why so lon...do people stay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Why so lon...do people stay?
5
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 4:32pm

Hi,

I am trying not to be mean here but I have noticed several posts where people stay in relationsips for way too long. My longest was 4 years.

After that experience I told myself that if the relationship did not look like it was going to be serious, I would end it after...let's say 6 months or a year. It seems that then the guy didn't want to commit or be engaged. I have stayed for the wrong reasons several times.

What I want to know is...for those that have been in long-term 5-7 years, have you changed or learned from the exp. as well or would you continue to be in such long term relationships? Again, not trying to be mean. Do people really learn not to repeat? We women seem to hold out hope for all the wrong reasons.

Jstbu

FYI:
This was from a Coda website:

Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 5:06pm

I think part of the confusion lies in a word "commitment" (maybe marriage as well) and in expectations.

If you're with someone and enjoying them for who they are- that's all a great relationship is. Marriage doesn't offer you security and it's not a guarantee. Commitment is only what the other person to what percentage will give you because of their own self-requirements, needs, and perceptions.

So the reality is - for every day that you stay with someone there is "commitment" in evidence. Now...if you know you want to be married, if marriage is important - it's a good idea to date people who share a "value on that institution" - so that you're not trying to convince someone there is a "value" existentially in a legal piece of paper- because "aisle/altar/hymn is not I'll alter him".

I think most people are reliant alot of "partnership" to make them complete, secure, mature, successful, independent - LOL, or identified. And a relationship is not able to do that.......

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 7:00pm
Hey there jstbu,
My relationship was 6 years long, and looking back, I did learn alot from it. I did stay for all the wrong reasons. I didn't stay for love, I stayed to prove something. It was wrong on my part and I know that now. Commitment wasn't our problem, but I think we just enjoyed the idea of each other. And if I have changed at all, it was back to how I used to be. I was a different person after I was with my ex for a while. Now without him I feel like my old self again. I don't hate myself so much anymore and when I was with him, it seemed like I hated myself more by the day. Why? I don't know. It was my first relationship and I guess I thought this is what happens when your in love. I just didn't realize it was a toxic kind of love. And those compliance patterns you posted, is me in a nutshell. I hope not to be like that anymore, like I said, thats something that never used to be me. I just pray I don't do that again. I don't know if that answers your questions but thats my story.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 11:30am
You are right. I do the same. I am afraid to be alone sometimes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 11:50am
We were good friends, but I was not in love with him. I did no realize at the time what I was missing.
I fell in love with someone else and it put everything into perspective. Unfortunately, he did not feel the same. Also, in the long relationship, he pursued me like crazy and when I was having doubts about us he would not take no for an answer. In a way I was swayed to stay longer and confused with my own feelings. He bent over backwards and molded himself into someone I wanted, therefore having none of his own identity which made me lack interest. You can't force something. I've been trying to force the relationship with the one who does not feel the same for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 12:02pm

Hey,

I just posted a similar message for maybejanuary. Yeah, I definitely fit under that group--people who stay in relationships past their expiration date-IN THE PAST. My last one, I probably stayed a couple of months too long as well. I think with me the problem has been that I often second guess my instincts and have been lead by a fear of ending up alone. But, this time I will not allow myself to do either because it hasn't worked for me so far! In each case, my gut feeling was always on point, I just chose to ignore it.

From now on, whatever happens will happen. You know.

All I know is that I'm going to be true to myself from now on and hope that everything falls into place.