Why won't he talk?
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| Mon, 01-22-2007 - 9:42am |
When I got engaged, I knew in my heart it was "right." Everything just felt like it was falling into place and my heart was telling me "this is the guy."
Now my head is telling me to walk away.
I am a very upbeat, positive thinking gal. I'm a single mother who thinks of her son first. I try to do the right thing in every situation and set a good example for my son. Now I'm not sure fiance is the right example. He is opposite of me. Uneven tempered, angry at the world 50% of the time, VERY competitive & throws fits when he loses, and locks things inside when something is wrong.
The fiance doesn't live with me, but usually stays over the weekends. When he's here, he is either in front of the tv or at the computer the entire time. I, on the other hand, am cleaning the bathroom, doing yard work, laundry, etc. The most he does is put things in the dishwasher and he will vaccuum if I ask him. He got mad the other day & I'm not sure why. We had a bunch of snow, so I woke up early, shoveled the drive, walk, and wiped and scraped off all the snow on his car. I thought he'd appreciate it. When I came in, he wasn't talking to me or my son. He was just closed up. I was going out, so I asked if he wanted anything. He said no & then asked if I was going to stop somewhere. I was upset that he wasn't talking to us so I snapped back a little with, "that's why I asked you." He said to forget it and he'd just go home.
This is where it gets bad, and we go through this about once every 3 months, but it's been bad the last two weekends in a row. I confronted him on his attitude and he wouldn't talk. I tried again, and he just ignored me. I blew up!!! I told him to go home and to call when he could grow up and act like a man. He told me to grow up. I then threw in that I'm sick of him sitting on his a$$ all day and not doing anything. He told me to f%^& off, I told him the same. And he said I wouldn't be hearing from him.
So here we are. I've gone through so many of these times, we've talked about how it needs to get better, and we always come back full circle. I choose to be happy in life, he chooses to be angry, bitter, and unhappy.
Am I overreacting to these things? Is this really how relationships go? I've never been treated like this before. I'm older now, but thinking maybe being single is the best thing until my son is grown. I don't want him seeing this roller coaster.
ANY advice is greatly appreciated!!!
Thanks!

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Hi Kat,
just a few questions to understand the situation better!
How old are you, how old is he? Been together for how long? Has he always had this negative outlook on life? (I.e., did you think you could "save" him when you got together, that you were positive enough to change him).
My immediate thoughts are that you're really too good for him... You seem very independent, you say: "We had a bunch of snow, so I woke up early, shoveled the drive, walk, and wiped and scraped off all the snow on his car." Seriously, how many women would actually do that for their man? If he doesn't know how to appreciate it, it must be simply because he feels that you don't need him, that you're "BETTER than him".
Good luck in making him talk, I think you should really consider to leave him. Lots of guys would appreciate your abilities much more than this guy does.
Thanks Happy!
I'm 36, he's 34, and my son from a previous relationship is 6. We've been together for over a year. Of course he didn't act like this before. I did see a mean streak in him when we first started going out & tried to end it then. I regret not walking away then. Now it seems to come out more often.
I have always prided myself on being independent. I love it, and appreciate it, when things are done for me, but being I have a raised a son on my own, I know how to do things for myself rather than wait around for someone else to get to it. That's basically what my fiance does... he gets around to things... but usually that's DAYS away.
Like I said, I have a six year old. I don't need another child to look after, pick up after, or take crap from. It's hard enough as it is. Why do guys make it sooo hard? Fiance is fun to be around when he's in a good mood. Financially he does nice things for me, but I really don't care too much about that. Mentally, he's an a$$. And because of this, I'm scared of the process of leaving him. He will blame it all on me, I guarantee it.
In honesty, I don't know why you are asking the question. It is so clear from your post that he is not the best person for you or your son. Who cares how bad the breakup process is? Isn't that better then a bad life with him? Not to mention the instability and bad role model in your son's life! Please, consider leaving him for your son's sake if not yours. If he's already acting this way and you're not married, imagine what it would be like if he has to take care of you and your son all the time (that's what husbands are supposed to do regardless of their wives independece). If you're gonna bring someone in your son's life, he better be awesome, don't you agree?
I'm sorry that you're going through a tough situation =( If your fiance isn't giving you as much as you are giving him then I would be very causious abour marrying him esp. since it seems like he has mental issues. Do you honestly think he would be a good role model for your son? Its not too late to change your mind or even postpone things until your head and heart know for sure that getting married to this man is something that will be wonderful for you and your son. You can also ask him to attend counseling with you and see what he says. You sound like a very strong, independent women....please don't let anyone take that away from you. No one should make you feel bad esp. the guy you're going to spend the rest of your life with.
I'm not married yet, in fact I'm on this message board because I trying my best to deal with a broken heart...but I know when it's my time to get married I will know for sure in my head and heart that it's the right thing....no doubts. My friends who are truly happily married told me that when they said, "I Do" it was the best feeling in the world to them and they knew it was for real. Yes, they do have disagreements, but they always remain respectful towards each other. Majority if not all truly happily married couples will tell you communication is one of the key elements to a successful relationship.
Here's somethings to think about...
If there were hundreds of men in a room and you got to pick who you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, would you pick your fiance? Is he the man you always dreamed of marrying?
Do you truly think your fiance would be a good father to your son?
Can you accept your fiance for all that he is and be happy? You know you can't change a person, the only person you can change is yourself.
What does your fiance consistently contribute to the relationship? Does he make you a better person?
When your son gets older, would you want him to marry a women that has the same characteristics as your fiance and who makes him feel the same way your fiance makes you feel?
Good Luck.....I hope this helps a little. I know you know what's the best thing to do for you and your son....not only in your head but in your heart too.
Both the last posts make great points.
I know that me being with him is just allll wrong. We've talked about these issues more than once and he's always tried to go in a positive direction after the talks. But then something happens, and we're back full circle. I get more disappointed each time. I haven't talked to him since Sunday and I honestly would rather not talk to him ever again. I know he's going to contact me and act like nothing is wrong, but I need to keep my head up and be that strong woman that I know I am. If not for me, but for my son. Isn't it funny how sometimes women who are soooo independent can become so weak when it comes to a relationship. That's how I have felt lately. And I hate it.
Thanks for all the advice ladies. It is exactly what I knew and exactly what I needed to hear.
Hi there Kat,
how's things working for you now? Have you made a decision, have you broken up?
It seemed from you last post that you've finally made up your mind, and that you know what you have to do. I just hope that everything worked out like you wanted it to!
"Happiness is when what you say, think, and do are in balanse"
By the way, just a comment on the whole independent girl thing. I'm a very independent person myself, and normally I have really good selfesteem. But as soon as I get involved with somebody, especially if things get serious, I can turn into the most insecure person in the whole world. Maybe it's because we've used to taking care on ourself and not be dependent on anyone, cause then the feeling of being dependent on someone can be unbelievably scary. I know that, in those situations, I can hold back a lot. I quit sharing my thoughts and feelings and I become overly busy, cause I don't want to admit to myself that I actually both enjoy and need to trust another person. And it's also sooo much easier to take things personally if you're used to taking care of yourself without others interference. Maybe your guy misinterpreted this, probably because he's not that old mentally. I just really hope you find somebody that can give you the security you want, without taking your independency and selfesteem away. You definitely deserve that!
Please let me know how things are going,
good luck to you.
PS: You son is incredibly lucky to have somebody like you as his mother. I believe you're doing a great job!!
Thank you Happy for your kind words.
Things have gone nowhere. I still have not spoken to him since Sunday. This is the longest we've ever gone without speaking. Usually i give in and call him and beg him to talk to me and we work through it then. I'm so exhausted of doing this. It takes everything out of me & I just feel like I can't do it anymore. I understand that in any relationship, there are going to be disagreements, I'm going to step on his toes, and he's going to step on my toes. But for him to just close up and not even tell me what is wrong, how he's feeling, or any little bit of communication, is plain wrong. I can't fix, or attempt to work thinkgs out if he can't tell me what's going on in his head. We've talked about, when I can finally get him to talk, and he's promised numerous times that he will work on it. It gets better for a month or two, three was the longest, and we come full circle.
It's not healthy for me or my son to go through this. Although my son doesn't see it so much because I keep it from him. How do I tell him what's going on so that he has any type of understanding? He asked where my fiance was this weekend and I just danced around it. This is the hardest part of the whole deal.
Thanks again for your kindness & support. They help a lot!
Hey there Kat:
To be honest, I went through a lot of this in the early days of my relationship with my now-husband. We would have talks about his unreasonable behavior, he would promise to change, I would promise to work on my parts in things, and then nothing would change. The thing is though, he did one day have his own revelation about his behavior and how unacceptable it was. I'll never forget the day he came to me with this astonished look on his face and began detailing all the things that were wrong with how he behaved--specifically around our home and during fights (like you described with your fiance). In fact, many of the things he said were practically verbatim what I had said to him in the past. Today, I can say with all honesty that I have a happy marriage. He helps around the house. No, it's not perfect but he tries hard and that's what matters the most. He catches himself now during fights before he closes down or says something hurful or disrespectful and tries hard to work around it. Again, is it perfect? Of course not. But it's a 180 degree turn-around from the past.
That's to give you some hope.
Now the reality check: The only reason my husband changed was because HE saw the problems with his behavior and HE began to desire a change. Until that happened, I could talk myself hoarse and nothing would budge. Your fiance has got to want to change what he does on his own before he can ever do anything about it. And there is no way of knowing if he will ever have a miraculous aha moment like my husband did. Many people don't. I know how very lucky I was.
You can't count on him changing. You CAN count on him to be just like this for good. Marriage will not change that. The problems you have now will exist after you say I do. Please take time to ask yourself if this is the kind of husband you want, the kind of father you want for your son. Do you want your son to look to this man as a role model? Do you want to continue being treated this way? Is this acceptable behavior for you. If nothing changes, then nothing changes. If he stays this way for life, will you be happy?
If you can answer no to any of these questions then I'd strongly suggest that you reconsider your future with this man.
Thank you, Mrsmontagna, for your wise words!!! :) I am very happy for you that your husband came to a realization that things needed to change. I am also very happy for you that you have a very happy marriage.
You are right on with everything you said. And I know that he has to be willing to make the changes himself. Unfortunately, I'm not sure if I can see this happening. He's very stubborn. There's a chance, like with anything, but it's very slim. I did answer no to most of your questions and I know that if it doesn't change now, it will not later. I am one who looks at the big picture and what will happen in the future. My fiance, however, looks at the now and sees things just fine in the future.
As an update to those who have been following the saga... there's hardly anything to report. The last day I had a civil conversation with him was Sunday, January 14th. He called me this past Saturday, the 20th, but that was to be a jerk. I missed a call from him on Sunday, I didn't hear my phone. When I called him back 3 hours later there was no answer. He sent me several texts yesterday, three saying "I love you" and he called to tell me he did something great, but that was it. A friend of ours last night told him that he has to suck it up sometimes and make the first move to repair things. And then Fiance got mad and they got into it, but ended on civil terms. I have not heard from him at all today. So many times I have called him crying wanting to get through the disgreement, or attitude, or whatever may have sent him off, but this time, he's either going to call me to have a civil conversation about it or he's not. If he chooses to call and talk, we will assess things and figure out if he wants to work on himself and his actions, or we will go our separate ways.
I'm so numb to the entire situation at this point that I don't care if it ends.
Hey Sweetie...
I just posted my story about my fiancee and I. I didn't read all the other posters "advice" so I hope I'm not stepping on anyones toes or saying the same thing twice.
YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR HIM. Wait, you are shoveling the snow too? Okay, call me old fashioned but my father never even showed me how to start a lawnmower because that was a "man's job". I know that might sound ignorant to some...but it's the fact that you were doing everything else and he did nothing and then just sat there and watched you further exert yourself that I have a problem with.
You have a son...I have two. They are my best friends and the comfort that I don't need a man in my life as long as I have them. They make me the strongest when I am so weak I don't even feel like I can walk or talk. Focus on them...and focus on what it is that you want. You are engaged...this is/was supposed to be the happiest time of your life and you're second guessing. When your woman's intuition meter is on 10...try your darndest to follow it. I made the mistake of not listening to myself a long time ago and it got me nothing but a whole lot of pain, hurt and misery. I hope that you don't have to go through that as well...
Email me if you want to talk! And hope it works out for you!
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