Why won't he talk?
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| Mon, 01-22-2007 - 9:42am |
When I got engaged, I knew in my heart it was "right." Everything just felt like it was falling into place and my heart was telling me "this is the guy."
Now my head is telling me to walk away.
I am a very upbeat, positive thinking gal. I'm a single mother who thinks of her son first. I try to do the right thing in every situation and set a good example for my son. Now I'm not sure fiance is the right example. He is opposite of me. Uneven tempered, angry at the world 50% of the time, VERY competitive & throws fits when he loses, and locks things inside when something is wrong.
The fiance doesn't live with me, but usually stays over the weekends. When he's here, he is either in front of the tv or at the computer the entire time. I, on the other hand, am cleaning the bathroom, doing yard work, laundry, etc. The most he does is put things in the dishwasher and he will vaccuum if I ask him. He got mad the other day & I'm not sure why. We had a bunch of snow, so I woke up early, shoveled the drive, walk, and wiped and scraped off all the snow on his car. I thought he'd appreciate it. When I came in, he wasn't talking to me or my son. He was just closed up. I was going out, so I asked if he wanted anything. He said no & then asked if I was going to stop somewhere. I was upset that he wasn't talking to us so I snapped back a little with, "that's why I asked you." He said to forget it and he'd just go home.
This is where it gets bad, and we go through this about once every 3 months, but it's been bad the last two weekends in a row. I confronted him on his attitude and he wouldn't talk. I tried again, and he just ignored me. I blew up!!! I told him to go home and to call when he could grow up and act like a man. He told me to grow up. I then threw in that I'm sick of him sitting on his a$$ all day and not doing anything. He told me to f%^& off, I told him the same. And he said I wouldn't be hearing from him.
So here we are. I've gone through so many of these times, we've talked about how it needs to get better, and we always come back full circle. I choose to be happy in life, he chooses to be angry, bitter, and unhappy.
Am I overreacting to these things? Is this really how relationships go? I've never been treated like this before. I'm older now, but thinking maybe being single is the best thing until my son is grown. I don't want him seeing this roller coaster.
ANY advice is greatly appreciated!!!
Thanks!

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You made me laugh at your comment about "woman's intuition meter is on 10"... That is EXACTLY what a friend of mine would say. I haven't talked to her FOREVER and I'm going to call her right after this. I love it!!!
I know you are exactly right. I have been on a rollercoaster for months and not the fun kind. He sent me a text today asking if I wanted to go to lunch tomorrow. I replied with, "Only if you want to talk about what's going on." His reply back was, "You have made ZERO Effort." Which is true. I sent him a message back, "I'm not the one who won't talk." And I haven't heard anything back from him. He has attempted to call me to tell me something small. Something about his car or a score he got in bowling. That's it, then he hangs up. One time he called & CONFRONTED me about the situation, but then hung up on me mad. That's not talking and working things out. I won't budge, I won't give in, and I won't work on this relationship until he decides he's going to work on himself first. As hard as it is, I can't see myself happy with him LONG TERM. The short term is great. And we go back to the same attitude, not talking situation. I've never asked for things to be perfect, lord knows I'm not, but I know how to talk things through.
I think the best thing would be to watch my son grow up & then date again... 13 years to go! :)
Do yourself a million favors and get two books:
Hopefully the light will start to shine soon.
Thanks Sandradee. I always like a good read, especially when it's to improve myself.
However, I'm not sure you understand the situation. HE won't talk to ME. I try to talk to him, but he walks out, won't call, etc. EVERY time this happens, I'M the one who calls, crying, trying, and hoping to make things better. No more! I have changed MY attitude. He's angry all the time about anything & EVERYTHING. I can't help him if he doesn't help himself. So, until he decides that he wants to change, I may consider looking at the relationship again. But I have a young son who needs to know that respecting a woman is the first thing he needs to do. My son has already, at age six, asked me why fiance yells at me for no reason. That is just WRONG. If my son sees this crap going on, in time, he will think THAT is how you treat a woman... and it's NOT! You HAVE to communicate and talk through a situation.
I've made my fair share of mistakes with men in the past, but now that I have a young boy of my own, the mistakes stop now. If I need to focus on me & my son for the next 13 years, that's what I will do. I don't need a new partner. I have plenty of fine male role models in my brothers, my dad, and great friends. He will never go unloved. He should be the focus of a family.
I believe you missed my point entirely.
I'm sorry if I misunderstood your feedback.
I have tried different actions to warrant him to change. I've tried making him talk... obviously you can't make anyone do anything they don't want to. So that didn't work. I tried letting it blow over. We just come around to it happening again. I can't marry, or live with, a guy who only works things out by not talking to me for a few days and then coming back and acting like nothing has happened. Where is he going to go when we're married & my home is his home? To the basement a spare room.
I'm just glad that I can get out now.
Kat, (this is long sorry)
I'm just gonna keep it real with you because that's what I do. I mean I definatelyunderstand what Sandra is saying...it's a conditioned response that we have which we think is making us "stronger" or "good communicators" when we decide to "stand up for ourselves...let that man know what's on our mind...put our foot down"...it's all cliche and usually inaccurate. The point is this here, because I've had to teach this to myself.
I used to be the female that would rant, rave, scream, yell, curse...basically everything in the dictionary under "poor communication." Then I found that like Sandra was saying...that if I "shut up" and let him talk...he will reveal to me what the true problem is, which usually is not ME,ME,ME like I thought but rather HIM, HIM, HIM. If I mind my temper and control my emotions (which is superduper Superman Returns Style Hard to do) I have the upper hand. I have control of the situation. I'm setting the pace and believe it or not, I'm getting results. If he doesn't want to talk...let him not talk. But refuse to talk on HIS terms.
*side note: which does not mean silent treatment x2 but rather not answering meaningless phone calls and text that mean or are saying nothing at all. Ridiculous. It just means calling or texting smarter not harder and making your messages count by saying what you want to say when you want to say it.*
You set your own terms, honey and you stick with it...because by him wanting to control the pace of the relationship (which silent treatments are a HUGE form of control), he's saying to you indirectly that you are not important, that he is selfish, maybe even spoiled and that you are disposable. You are there to pacify him on his terms...and you are more than that.
You are a woman with a heart and a brain and blood and most importantly a son to set an example for and that example that needs to be set is this: Just because women are soft...we aren't weak. And a woman doesn't have to be forceful...to still be strong!Just the smallest drop of water can drive a person insane which just proves that you don't have to be big and mighty to get big and mighty results.
Kat, His silent treatments are just his sad ploy to teach you that you are a nobody and a nothing. And you know that's not true. His silent treatments are to control you into doing what he wants you to do, which is be on "standby" for his beck and call. His own self-esteem is in the trash and he wants to take you to that place where he's at and so miserable. You have the choice if you want to go there or not...and it's your choice to make and noone can take that from you...and I believe that's part of that "new attitude" that Sandra was speaking of. Once you realize that...you'll really start to see the sun despite the clouds.
I do believe there does come a point where a regular, rational person would say, "Enough.
Thanks Sandra...all of us women forget it and it takes a long time to remember...so I'm glad I was able to share something inspiring with you. Your words are so clear and precise also and I will be buying those books very soon because I love the four key points you pointed out (I'm personally struggling with #2 but then again...it's personal! lol).
Thanks for the kind words!
WOW! You just totally described my ex-boyfriend that I recently broke up with. I can offer you one piece of advice...you can't change him! And as much as he might say he'll do whatever it takes, he can't change either and it will happen over and over. I broke up with my ex about 6 months into the relationship for the same problems you are having and he came back telling me everything I wanted to hear so I took him back. It's been 7 more months and nothing changed, yeah it was good for a while, but the problems were still there.
Of course I can't tell you what to do, but I feel better now that things are over and I know I'll find someone who can communicate, doesn't get angry, and knows how to apologize. Relationships are a two way street and you deserve to be with someone who is just as happy as you are in life, otherwise, you will just be trying to make them feel better about themselves the rest of your life.
Good luck!
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