Why won't she let me go!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Why won't she let me go!!!!
3
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 10:25am
Hi,

First I want to thank you for helping me with my situation. This past week has been a living hell for me. After a year of relationship with my ex, I found out she had been cheating on me with another guy for the past month. She never broke up with me, and kept her face up the entire time. When I found out, I was totally torn apart. But since I know she loves me and I personally never loved anyone more than her, I decided to forgive her and work things out. Things were fine for couple of days til he comes over and she can control it...Then I get a call the next day her crying and begging me to take her back...This is hurting me so much because it is an open wound and I can never heal it. It starts healing, then she opens it and it starts again..I am totally hurt and can't handle this anymore..I broke up with her so many time within these past 3 weeks, but again she comes back and wants me back..Then again she goes out with him or sleeps with him...I want her to let me go...I really do...I want to stop getting hurt and forget her..Please Help me..I need all the advice I can get..

Thank you in advance,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 12:19pm
You don't need her to let you go. You need to let go of her. There's a difference between being active and passive here, a crucial one. You're very focused on her, what she feels and what she wants, and feeling very helpless. Time to take action. She keeps coming back to you because you let her. She's manufactured this very dramatic scene where she's torn between two lovers, with two men who adore her, blah, blah, blah. She may get some kind of sick thrill from that, but what about you? It hurts you, right? You can't live like this, right? So, change the locks, stop answering the phone, and tell her to get lost. Tell her it's you or him (if you really are willing to take her back), and then enforce it. If she comes back to you, and sees him again, you have to just cut her off completely and recognize that her decision is him. You're in control here - she can't keep doing this to you unless you let her. So stop letting her take advantage of you. She's created a melodrama, but it's really a lot simpler than that - the ultimatum is, she picks you, never sees him again, and you enter couples counseling together (because you say you want to work it out), or you're done and you'll never see her again. You have the right to a faithful partner who's committed to you alone. Insist that's what you get. I know it hurts, because you love her, but a person who cheats and will not end the affair does not respect you or love you the same way you love her. Much as it hurts, you will be better off in the long-run to end the relationship and find someone who does not hurt you like this. Rather than issue an ultimatum, I think you should just end it now, but if you want to give her one more last chance, make it the absolute last one she gets, and be firm about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 1:43pm
Hi,

I agree with the other poster except that I wouldn't ask her if it was 'you or him' She keeps seeing him then comes back to you and then goes back to him, she's playing both of you. You need to put an end to it. Even if she says it's you and not him, how will you ever know if she isn't now going to see him and ensure you don't find out. Can you honestly say you can trust her again? I am telling you this because it happened to me but I am not a guy, so he was doing it to me. He chose me over her when I confronted him but later I found out that he was still seeing her also. To this day I still regret ever having given him a choice; it only made me miserable that much longer. I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do but again, in my opinion, cut her off now. Just my $.02. Take care. Lucy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 11:01pm
I'm so sorry to hear about the emotional rollercoaster your ex is putting you through. Unfortunately I think she will continue to be with both of you as long as you both (you and the other guy) allow her to get away with it. I think the best thing you can do is cut off contact with her....if she calls tell her you don't want to talk to her anymore and hang up and if she doesn't take the hint get her number blocked or change your # and get unlisted so she won't be able to call. If she shows up at your door refuse to let her in and don't give her the time of day. You need to get over her and as long as you're talking to her and allowing her to rip open your wounds....you're going to have trouble getting over her. try and stay busy and do things that make you feel good about yourself. Feel free to post as much as you like and we'll try our best to help out. Good luck and keep us posted!!
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