why would THIS hurt?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
why would THIS hurt?
2
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 1:13am

... soooo ... as ive posted last week in another message, ive been dating this guy for two months now, .. and we're not serious, - hes not my bf, but we are exclusive...
we have fun, good chemistry, i like him and enjoy his companionship .. but like i also wrote, there were several shortcomings that would bother me (ie. he seems a little immature, doesnt like to pay for me, etc) ..

we were distant with eachother last week, but we patched it up this wknd and everything seemed well and we were back to a "good" place ... then, i went over to his place for lunch today, and after a mid-day romp session, i was lying in his bed when this conversation started about "where we stood" ... he started it actually .. and im not quite sure what his stance is on the whole thing, but basically - i was getting the impression that he sincerely likes me, but isnt sure if we were relationship potential ...

hearing that, made me jump immediately .. if this guy doesnt think hes going to be in a relationship with me, then wouldnt i be a fool to stick around?? so basically, because of that - i just called it quits ..

however, he got quite upset with that .. he didnt understand why i was jumping the gun "so easily" ... he expressed that he has feelings for me, and doesnt think everything is so "black and white" as im "making it seem" .. he seemed to sway back and forth .. he talked about how he was bothered by how he feels like "we're in a long distance relationship without the distance" - meaning that he doesnt see me enough .. he also complained about how he feels like we're on different pages, in that i dont want to do all the social things he does, and that i dont go out of my way to hang out with his friends, even though he noted that i do get along with them when i am with them..

in response to that, though - .. first of all, im in 4th year university, i work at a bank 3-4 days a week, i hold a very high position with one of the clubs here at the school of management and it occupies a lot of my time, AND i have a social life .. so, no - i dont think its possible for me to spend ALL my time with him when in reality, i barely even have any! and moreover - i dont consider myself serious with him, so that really doesnt incite me to want to make time for him either (unlike my ex whom i used to see 5 days a week even though we lived seperate lives!).. as for the whole thing about me not wanting to do the same things as he, - well, he still goes to the bar several times a week, and i just dont personally feel the need to party it up every second day... AND as for his friends thing, well - again, im not serious with him - so i never thought it was even appropriate to be "intruding" into his social gatherings with perosnal friends...

ANNNDDD... i noted to him that he wasnt making sense to me .. that it wasnt fair for him to be bothered by the fact that i dont spend all my time with him, and that i dont go out with him everytime he's out with friends .. when hes standing there in front of me, also telling me that he wasnt sure if he wants a relationship with me??? .. he didnt really have a response for that, aside from saying: "i feel confused"

anyways, so that was this afternoon .. and now its near 2 am, im trying to study for a huge test i have tomorrow on bonds and mortgages (im in finance) .. and i feel like im going to blow up! .. at first, i was okay with everything this afternoon .. bothered, but not upset.. i felt i was doing what was best for me .. that if a guy didnt know if he wanted me, then i definately dont want him .. and furthermore, that i dont want to stick around to find out whether or not he wants me...

but right now, i feel crappy ..i already miss his companionship .. im sad .. i feel bothered... ugggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...........

why am i feeling this way?? this is a guy that i dont even want to fully commit to .. yet, im upset that its over?! .. i mean, this is nothing compared to my ex and thankfully as well, this "pain" isnt even close to what i experienced with that relationship ... but still, im not gonna lie - this SUCKS.

ARGHHHHH!

a very bothered, and unable to study -
eeksj :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 8:25am

Hey eeksj,

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling right now...I hope you ended up finding enough concentration to study!

Look, from what I read of your situation, it *DOES* make sense that this guy doesn't really see you two as having relationship potential. You said yourself that you are very busy (understandable of course), and more importantly, that you aren't really willing to *make* the time to see him more. I'm not saying you're to blame here; please don't get me wrong...but I guess I can just understand why he might not want to invest more into this, despite having feelings for you, because it doesn't sound as though you are willing to do so either.

I don't think you should have to spend all of your time with him either, especially considering how busy you are, but the fact that you don't even really seem to want to try and make more time is probably not a good sign. Maybe you two are just looking for different things right now. I don't think it's a matter of him not wanting you, but more him not being satisfied with what you're willing to give.

I realize that you two aren't "serious," so I'm just wondering what exactly you were expecting would happen with this guy? What did/do you want from him? Were you planning/hoping to just "date" him forever? What do you think he wants from you? I think you should try talking to him about it, if it's still really bothering you.

Maybe, deep down, you DO want a relationship with him...or perhaps you're just feeling a little rejected/lonely (don't worry, it happens to the best of us!) :) Maybe you are just upset over the thought of him maybe not wanting to be with you. You also said that you miss his companionship--well, maybe that's just it...maybe you just like the idea of having someone around. I think that's pretty normal.

Either way, you know you will be fine right? I'm sure you will figure everything out...but you just need to find out what you want, and see if he's on the same page as you or not. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 9:20am

I think I get where he's coming from and what he was trying to say. It's not that he doesn't want to be with you. It's that he feels he's wasting his time on you since the relationship isn't progressing into the boyfriend/girlfriend or seeing each other more often stage. He feels if this is all you will ever have to offer him, just dating each other casually, then there's no point in continuing the relationship. It's actually pretty similar to what you were thinking when you said, "If this guy doesnt think he's going to be in a relationship with me, then wouldn't I be a fool to stick around?"

That leaves you with a decision to make. You can either end the relationship like you're doing now, or you can start treating the relationship more seriously, making him a bigger priority in your life, and finding more time for him. You just can't keep him as a casual guy to date any longer. Good luck with whatever you decide.