Why would you miss someone who treats you so wrong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2013
Why would you miss someone who treats you so wrong?
Mon, 08-19-2013 - 1:55am

It has been nine months since, my ex-fiance, and I have split up. It was all do to, he was a complete womanizer. He was taking other women out to eat, his so called "friends," in the process he was lying about what he would be doing at night, when he was out to eat. He had been taking his ex-wife out to eat as well. We were together for ten months, and had planned on getting married, and was setting everything up, until it got to the point that I couldn't take it any longer. I was tired of the way he put other women before me, how much of a womanizer he was, and the lies I constantly started to catch him in. I tried I really did, but I will not live the rest of my life with a liar, let alone put my kids through anything like that. 

My question is, here I am nine months later; and he is on my mind. Missing him, wondering what he is doing, would he actually answer my call? I don't get it, for somone who treated me so wrong, why can't he just leave my mind? Poof, vapor, and be gone.....

It makes no sense, I never missed my ex-husband, as a matter of fact I was glad he was gone. This situation; I just don't get it. 

Who would be will to set themselves up for self-punishment as such.....? 

Sometimes I think, maybe I have just lost my mind.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004

Don't call him.

You're still wounded by his infidelity. Rejection is hard to take and very hard to overcome. You keep thinking about him and "miss" him because you are trying to figure out what you could have done differently or why he didn't want to be with you exculsively.

The problem wasn't you. It was him. You diagnosed it correctly: player.

You deserve better so stop wasting your time "missing" a guy who wasn't capable of being faithful. Thank your lucky stars you discovered this before you married him. 

Never settle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2013

I agree. never settle. I had come to the conclusion long ago, even when I was still with him, right before we were engaged, that no matter how skinny, I was, no matter how long my hair was, no matter how pretty or whatnot I was, and trying to be, it was never going to be "good enough." No matter if I was someone that was a "Barbie." he was always going to find reasons, and ways to talk to, and be with other women. So, with that said, I am not sure why he is on my mind here lately. I have no plans on calling him, it was just a thought, or the thought of missing his voice. 

I know my kids, and I, are certainly better off, I just can't understand the human mind and heart. I have often wondered; if this process falls in line with the saying of "the heart wants, what the heart wants." Yet, knowing that my brain will be more smart about the situtation...... 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008

((Hugs))  IMHO, being with someone like your ex does a number on your self esteem.  Never feeling "good enough" for however long, can actually make you believe it in your own mind.  Can you see a counselor?  Work on building your self esteem.  Surround yourself with people who KNOW you are good enough and start telling yourself you are (even if you don't believe it at first). 

Take care of yourself,


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 08-19-2013 - 12:20pm

I agree with Ollie!  This is a matter of your own self esteem.  You "knew" you weren't "good enough" for him early on, but you "tried" anyway.  And thankfully, you had enough of that self esteem left to get him out of your life before it was too late.  Sitting around and wondering and wishing will do you NO good at all....and actually, he's still controlling you, isn't he??  You need to make a concerted effort to get him out of your mind and your "perceived" neediness.  You don't "need" him at all, he just made you feel that way.  He made you feel that you were lucky to have him, because no one else would want you!  And you know that is a "crock"!  As Ollie suggested, maybe get some counseling.  If you can't, or don't want to, there are plenty of other things you can do to clear the cobwebs from your brain.  Have you thought about taking some kind of college courses, something that could better your income ability?  Or just something to learn......how about another language, or learn to play the guitar.  If none of those things appeal to you, get involved with some kind of volunteer work, get out and help people who are less fortunate than you are.  It's all a matter of keeping your mind occupied and also looking around you and realizing that despite setbacks, life is good......and you're probably much better off than many people around you.  And since there are children involved,  they need and deserve a full-time happy Mom!!!  They are your first priority!!!  Good Luck, better times are coming!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2013

I don't sit around and wonder, I do have a life, and most important I have kids to take care of. So it isn't like I sit around and do nothing, but think of him. Apparently I didn't put it for the way of anyone to understand it, exactly how I feel. It is amazing on how you try to express something, and people take it in a million directions. I don't mope, this isn't constantly on my mind 24/7, it is just a thought that wonders in my mind, once in awhile. As for being good enough, I am good enough for him, or any other man for that fact. It is my ex-fiance with a self-esteem problem. Since he has to have so many women regardless of who the "main" one is, he obviously has to have  that in his life to pump his own ego and selfish values up, because he is the one with a void in himself; not I. How is that for self esteem? My gosh, all I did was make a general statement, some people watch to many LMN movies or something, I have never seen anyone take things beyond what something actually is. If I was sitting around all the time with the thoughts that would be one thing, and I could see such things to be said, but I don't, but every once in a while the thought of him does roll in my head regardless of what I am doing, and I do miss him, or maybe it is I missed what I thought we had. It is a simple deal. As for my kids all they see is a happy mother, I don't put my problems out there for my kids....so please don't speak like all my kids see is an upset mommie. As for courses etc. I have some now that I am taking, and my income is fine, thank you. My gosh, you make it sound like all I do is mourn, and that isn't it. As for setbacks, someone elses set backs, do not set me back. 

It was just a simple question, and I just made general statements, it isn't something that rules my life. I date, and I am dating someone now, we go out and have fun but I am not looking for serious at the moment, I have school to finish. Sometimes I just think maybe I jumped back to dating to soon, to rush and push myself away from him and his crazyness, in order to deal with getting away from him, and maybe "now" since things have slowed just a little for me, I am thinking maybe I didn't give my mind enough time to go through the getting over everything stage back then, and maybe now it is catching up with me. I don't know, because I never missed my ex-husband, and could have caredless. I tried everything to fill my time up at that moment, to not deal with his nonsense and dwell on it. My kids, school, and social life, constantly on the go, and let a lone, my dad who was a dying man at the time. I continously had more than a full plate at the moment, and now I don't, which takes me back to, maybe now my heart has finally caught up to me.

Make sense? So I am sure (because I hear it all the time) myself esteem is not shot, nor was it then. Sometimes I have to much sef-esteem, with the stubborness to go with it. I happen to just run across this stie, and I was looking more to get this off my chest, and to see if other women have gone, or are going through the samething. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2011

misery loves company thats the reason...