Will this ever stop?
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| Mon, 03-19-2007 - 11:24am |
I am having such a hard time lately. One minute - I'm OK being alone, the next - I'm a total nutcase and find myself itching to call the ex.
I can't figure out if I miss HIM or if I miss having SOMEONE in my life to share things with? I saw him on Saturday - I went to his house (a big NC no-no, I know) to apologize about some things that were brought to my attention in my counseling session that morning. It was somewhat of an 'epiphany' and I felt I really needed to say I was sorry...Anyhow, we talked face to face for about 10 minutes...nothing to spectacular, but it was communication...and afterwards, I felt better. I told him I want to stick with the 60 day Hetox this time and see where we are then...he tells me that he wants me to 'make up my mind about what I am doing' - because I say "I won't contact you" then I ALWAYS DO - so I'm not even sticking to my word! Then when we said goodbye, he hugged me (and wouldn't let go) and then kissed me on the cheek. UGH... I don't know. What am I supposed to think of that? It's like he wants the 60 days to just get over the anger/frustration, or at least that's what I think...
I feel like I'm going nuts. After we spoke on Saturday, I find myself trying to make up reasons to call him (which I have successfully avoided doing, so that's good). I know that I'm probably better off without him, but it was easier when we first broke up and I thought he didn't care about me. Now, it seems that he does care, or else he would never have come to the door, knowing I was outside on his porch. Our last attempt at reconciliation didn't work, so am I nuts to think that 60 days might really make that much difference?
I have told him I want to be friends, which I do. But, I get lonely and depressed and I just want him to hold me and make me feel better - which he used to do and was very good at.
Am I totally pathetic? What can I do?
| Mon, 03-19-2007 - 11:44am |
