Will forgiving him help?
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| Fri, 12-17-2004 - 1:04am |
Hi, I am debating forgiving my ex for how much pain he caused me about two months ago when he dumped me. I know what he did was wrong and I'm not forgiving him to let him off the hook - I'm doing it for me. I think that the only way I can really fully move on for good is forgiving him and ending all this bitterness I still have sometimes. I'm not a bitter person, nor do I hold grudges. I don't want to turn into a person like that either. I am wondering if doing something like that will at all help and let me finally say ok, I'm forgiven him, now I can move on .. or am I completely crazy for thinking that? Either way I don't know what to do these days because with the holidays coming up, he's on my mind more ... I just don't know why guys have this power of thought in our heads all the time? Thanks!
Lynne

What do you mean by "forgiving" him? If it involves talking with him to tell him that you've graciously decided to forgive him for hurting you, then definitely do not do that.
Here's what I think - it's not so much about forgiveness, but acceptance, of who he is, who you are, and what happened. I don't want to beat you over the head with my story, but let me say by illustration - after two years together, and my ex's talk of marriage, how crazy in love with me he was, blah blah blah, I was diagnosed with cancer. I was terrified, and he was unwilling or unable to talk with me, even to the extent I tried to limit the discussion to "practical" things like second-opinions, treatment options, facts rather than feelings. I asked him weeks in advance if he'd come with me to the hospital for surgery, because I was scared and his support would mean a lot to me, and I have no family in the area, and I couldn't drive myself home after. He said we wasn't really "comfortable" with that. I started to cry, I basically begged him to go. He said he was awfully busy at work. Shortly after the surgery I broke up with him.
I was very angry after the breakup. Very angry for how he'd treated me. Angry at how he could say he loved me and wanted to marry me and have children with me, but couldn't be bothered to spend the afternoon at the hospital with me when I had cancer. I was hurt and betrayed and sometimes just wanted to howl with the pain of it all, the blows life had dealt me, his betrayal, my painful but necessary decision to end the relationship and give up the hopes and dreams I'd had for us. I still loved him, too, despite feeling so hurt, and what I wanted more than anything was for him to perform some magic trick and make it all better, to transform completely into another kind of man and beg to have me back. It didn't happen, and I was openly bitter and quite angry with him.
For me, it ultimately was not about "forgiving" him for what he "did to me." Because he didn't do anything "to" me, he did whatever he did "for" himself, if that makes sense. He has different values and priorities than I do. It would be inconceivable for me to act that way, but that's just who he is. And being angry at him for being who he is would be like being angry at a dog for barking. It's just pointless, I suppose. I was disappointed that he wasn't what I thought he was, and that he couldn't be who I wanted him to be. But that's just the way it is.
And I'd guess the same is true of your ex. I think he decided that a relationship with you was not what was best for his life. He was right about that, he knows himself well enough to know what he wants and needs. While it's terrible that you suffered pain and disappointment at the abrupt termination of the relationship and the loss of your dreams, well, what is the alternative? Should he have stayed in a relationship he knew not to be best for him, just to avoid causing you pain? Should the doctor avoid giving you that tetanus shot, just because it will hurt? He did what he had to do because of who he is. Your feelings are collateral damage. He probably expected you'd suffer, just like I expected that my ex would suffer when I left him, but I had no other choice. Every day with my ex just drained me, just felt so wrong after I'd seen that he didn't share my values, I had no choice for my self-respect but to terminate a relationship that had become "toxic" for me. What else could I do?
I heard this in marital therapy before my divorce - other people don't cause our feelings. We cause our own feelings, they are reactions to our perceptions of events. This may seem an inappropriate analogy, but it's what sprang to mind - in October, my dog died unexpectedly. I was shocked, devastated, I felt tremendous grief and loss and a sense of unfairness. Did I "blame" my dog for dying? For not showing any symptoms of the undetected heart tumor that killed her? For causing me to feel these awful feelings of loss and pain? Of course not, and while you may think it's ridiculous, there is a point there. It is the situation that causes the pain, even with a breakup. It is our reaction, and our resistance to the implications of the change the event brings, that's what causes the pain. Believing that your ex's intentions or motives are what caused your pain is false. The event of the breakup, and your reactions to it, caused the pain. And you can choose to accept that the event happened, and cope with its effects in your life, or you can miss the point and focus on how your ex "created" the event. There are plenty of other events, like unexpected death, that we cope with every day without trying to attribute blame for whomever or whatever "caused" those events.
To change our feelings, we need to alter our perception. You ex didn't cause your feelings of hurt. You felt hurt because you perceived that you'd lost something incredibly special and valuable to you, and you were shocked and felt it was unfair. If you can change your perception of the event - you were incompatible, the breakup was regretful but has freed you to find a more compatible partner, your partner was just making the best choices for his life based on the limited wisdom available to him - I bet you'll feel a lot better. I'm not sure if this is what you mean by "forgiveness," but it's what I mean by acceptance.
Exactly! I was going to post the same thing, about it really being acceptance that she's striving for, but you beat me to it and very eloquently!
Sheri
I m not sure we can forgive but I m sure we can forget or pretend to forget.
Whatever wrong he did to you will paralyze you if you keep thinking of it. (especially if it was long term relationship with a lot of sacrifices from your side)
What you need to accept is that life is not fair and while you ve been honest and sincere with this person, he was not, yet you have to suffer and not him the consequences of his dishonesty... because you loved him and wanted him...
Usually people who poste on this site are those who shared a kind of commitment with a person and then at some point this person decided that he does not want to commit anymore. It is never someone who is complaining about a guy who is uninterested in them. It is about someone who showed interest for sometime and then decided for whatever reason to take back this interest. And this is where it hurts. It is not the rejection (as obviously you would easily get over a guy who refused to dance with you or to go out with you for a movie...) it is the feeling that you were deceived at some point in time. When this guy stopped being in the relationship and did not tell you. This is very common and usually the person who is not satisfied with the relation does not tell the other immediately that their feelings have changed (because they are selfish and dont want to loose you unless they are completely sure they dont want/need you anymore) so its more or less accepting that he was not true with you. You dont need to forgive him to live happily ever after!
On this planet there is plenty (especially in recent history) of murderers and criminals that spread their negative actions, thoughts and energy all over the place, do we need to forgive them to be able to live in peace? Not really, we can live in peace without forgiveness. We can just accept that some people are less human than others and we can choose to keep those people outside our life. We are free to set the standards for someone to be in our circle and this is not bitterness this is technically a mere selection process.
Our priest made a suggestion a few years ago, and it worked wonders for me. During Lent, he handed out a small, colored stone to everyone in our parish. They were the kind you find at souveneir stores or at museums. He asked us to put one thought we would like to let go of into that stone. It could be a wrong done to us, one of our own faults, a long held grudge, etc. He then instructed us to carry it in our coat pockets, leave it in our car, or somewhere we would have contact with it every day. We were to hold it, and think about what we put into it.
When we were ready, and ONLY when we were ready, we were to bring the stone back in and place it on the altar and LEAVE IT THERE. Now, you don't have to go get a shiny stone, and it doesn't even have to be a stone. It doesn't have to be placed at an altar, just someplace that is special to you. Maybe you wish to leave it on your ex's doorstep. The thing is to think about it every day and to leave it behind when you are ready.
Forgiving him will help you. But you will know when you are tired of carrying around that stone.
Mimiche