Will I ever be able to trust anyone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2006
Will I ever be able to trust anyone?
8
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 2:26pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 2:39pm

Curlygrl,


It's not wrong to delete it before reading it. But I can't believe you sent him a text.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 2:50pm

Eh, everyone sends exes texts. i wouldn't worry about that unless you think he could get violent.


what i am concerned about is that you think you can never trust anyone again. i have the same fear about me. however, one thing sandra said that really hit home was something about trusting yourself. as one of my friends told me:


"what are the red flags that you ignored with this guy early on, that got you into the situation you are in now?"


sounds like there were plenty. and as much as you hate to admit it, you chose to keep going.


so the thing to think about is: what boundaries will you set that when you hit, you will stop dating the guy? for me i know with the next one, it is the first time i know he's lying and i DENY it.


also, make a list of things you won't tolerate ever again. me? i'll never date a guy again who turns his phone off. ever. or who has told me he lied to me. or if i find out he has.


you'll be ok, but you need to trust yourself first.


you also need to divorce yourself from this guy's lies about you. see, even you believe them...so tell yourself it's not true.


TRUST YOU FIRST!


lastly, i'm 38 and i damn well plan not to be alone the rest of my life. don't let him play into your fears. you are sexy & single & gorgeous. program that into your phone's welcoming message & you'll be on your way to getting over him!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2006
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 2:55pm

I wasn't asking

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 3:04pm

Everyone's gotta do what they got to do,


but for the record you did ask: "Is that wrong?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2006
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 3:07pm

I have let him play into my fear for too long! I have to stop letting his words get in my head & continue to haunt me. Looking back I do know when I should have ended it. In August when I kicked him out for physiclly threatning me, calling me horrible names & finding the phone calls he was making to his ex girlfriend behind my back. It is my fault for taking him back & I know now that the next time these red flags come up - he's out without me looking back at all. I set those boundaries, but I went back on them because he chased me down like you wouldn't believe with all his promises.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 3:36pm

I did something similar to a guy I once dated who cheated on me.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 4:34pm

:I've obviously angry & it hurts:


anger is ok. in fact, right now it's pretty useful. i mean without it, you might still be stuck in that painful situation! i've found anger a very powerful motivator, & sometimes i just don't get off my a** & move until i'm really POd.


so be glad you're angry for that reason.


now what to do about it so it doesn't destroy you is the next phase. you'll need to just accept that you will be angry for a long time, so probably should plan it into your life. i actually plan for anger now that i've been breaking up with like 1 guy per year now. the key is, you have to make actionable steps to keep it useful & protect yourself from it, while slowly moving away from it.


think about ways to express your anger that don't involve him. try no-contact (there are some posts on ideas of how to do that, my fav is the outlook calendar x's), taking up a physical hobby (dancing, kick-boxing, sure, even boxing) & whatever it takes to make a whole list of ways to vent your anger.


at this point, don't think repress, think vent - safely & smartly. that means without hurting you, anyone else or letting your ex know.


also think of this: apathy is the best revenge. whenever you want to yell at him think how much more painful it is for HIM for him to just cease to exist in your world. obviously he goes to great lengths to make sure you stay, so, see how IMPORTANT he wants to be to you? take that importance away & he's really gonna feel your absence. and imagine you with all kinds of guys hotter, richer & taller than him. which is good. an excellent form of revenge.


anyhow, just a couple ideas of what's ahead & how i've dealt with it.


hugz.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 4:37pm

:I didn't *really* start to look and feel FABYOOLUSSS until 35:


whoowhoo, me either. in fact, maybe until i was 37. i have a former classmate from elementary school & college both who tells me i'm way hotter now than i ever was back then!


looking at pix of me, i tend to agree. i want to age like princess diana - every year i get more beautiful & have more character in my face. that is aging gracefully.