Will I regret this? Need help
Find a Conversation
Will I regret this? Need help
| Thu, 08-05-2004 - 10:32am |
So my ex and I have been broken up for about 5 months. We have not seen each other in probably 3 months but we still email and occassionally talk on the phone. Generally I have been doing ok but every so often I get really upset and angry again. I feel like he emails me to keep tabs on what I am doing and in some ways to hold onto me so I don't move on. He tells me that he really wants to be my friend and that what is going on in my life is important to him. Both yesterday and today his emails have been upsetting me. It's nothing that he has really said he's just bothering me. I hate being so emotional and I feel like I could act irrationally but I am debating sending him a pretty serious email. My email basically says that in reality we are not friends. Friendship to me is more then some emails to discuss our every day activities and I expect very different things from my friends. I said that when I write something he doesn't want to discuss he ignores it and that I really don't know why I put myself through this. He did a lot of selfish, crappy things to me and maybe I was too quick to forgive. Ultimately, I told him that it seems like we are talking too much and that since he was the one who wanted the break up I am leaving it up to him to decide when he truly wants to be a friend.
The problem with sending the email is that I like to get his emails. I know I shouldn't care but it does help to know that he is thinking about me and feels the need to contact me. (I never initiate conversation.) Also, my friends tell me that he doesn't even deserve the email I am debating sending him. He doesn't need to know my feelings or that I even still care about him. I sort of feel like it will give me a piece of mind but I don't want to regret sending it.
Does anyone have any advice? Has anyone been in a situation like this? Please help before I make a mistake!

Pages
Like you, I find it all more emotionally disruptive than total silence, frankly. I left him, but he really hurt and betrayed me, and I do still have both love and anger percolating in my heart. The feelings are still too intense for friendship. Friends can't say something to me that makes me get all flushed and shaky and angry/hurt/excited, whatever. It's still just too much. I think it's too soon after the breakup to be friends, those feelings need to subside. And, frankly, given our history and the intensity of our feelings (we have fought pretty intensely about the breakup since we've been back in contact, have both ended up crying, etc.), we may never really get to a casual friendship level.
I know exactly how you feel - contact from him can be exciting, proof that he's still thinking about you, a continued connection, whatever. But, ultimately, each communication leaves you feeling worse, wanting something more, or something less (wishing you could just chat casually without it stirring up all these feelings). It probably just is too soon. You don't necessarily have to tell him that, but I think that is the reason contact is affecting you this way. Resuming no contact and trying again in a few months is probably the best solution. You could, I suppose, tell him (very briefly), that he meant a great deal to you and you would like for the two of you to be friends, but it is still a bit soon after the breakup and you need more time for all of your feelings to resolve. Then let him know that you'll be in contact with him when you feel ready, and you appreciate his understanding. Or just stop responding to his contact, without explanation. You saying that you're waiting for him to be friends because he broke up with you is exactly the opposite of the way it should be - you're the one who's hurt, it's up to you to take it at your pace and let him know when you're in a place to be casual friends without it hurting you.
Good luck, it sucks, I'm in exactly the same place. But, as I've told another poster, I'd rather have a clean break with no contact than keep getting my hopes up that he's changed, feeling the lingering attraction/chemistry we have, chatting and then hanging up and sleeping alone to dream about him and everything I lost. That's much harder than NC. I'm friends with several of my exes, but it probably takes more time than this to get there. No need to force it, don't try to be friends until you're ready, you don't have to accept his contact if you're not ready for it.
You said you expect more from your friends...and you should!
I have a girlfriend who keeps in touch with her ex-, as "friends"...when he tells her about his dating experiences, she falls to pieces. She says they are just friends, but I hear the pain in her voice everytime they speak or email. It's sad to watch her like this.
As much as I want to have my ex- back (on better terms) in my life - why the hell would he want my friendship, when he didn't appreciate me as his girl?
I don't know your circumstances, but if you are left feeling angry or hurt, cut him back!
So then the soon to be ex says he wants to be friends... HUH? WHY? Why does he want my friendship? I've put a lot of thought into this and realize that he is looking for me to let him off the hook. He wants me to assuage his guilt at destroying this marriage and letting me down again... well, the thing is I don't believe friendships are built on guilt, and can't exist without trust. So my answer to him is NO... I do not want to be friends... my friends don't treat me like you have, they don't take me for granted, and they don't put me down continuously.
The other part of this for me at least, is that I do not want to hear about his new and wonderful life without me, I do not want to know how quickly I'm replaced (which I am 95% sure happened BEFORE he left), I do not want to have to be in pain remembering and thinking about what could and should have been. Like i zuri said, her friend claims to be friends with the ex but gets torn up everytime she talks to him... I just don't need that kind of pain in my life. Ask yourself if you would truly be happy for him if he met someone else and began dating seriously or even living with her? I sure as heck won't be, at least not anytime soon... the betrayal and bitterness are still too great within me. AND, when I finally begin dating how do I explain to some other man that hey, this is my friend... oh yeah, by the way, I was married to him for 9 yrs too...
So, as to that email... write a letter to him definitely... but don't send it. Write it here and we'll all read it and understand. I have done that and felt better for it. But what good will it do to send it really? You are asking if it's a mistake, which indicates to me that you already kinda know it is... write it, don't send it... and as hard as it is, break all contact. Get it thru to him and change your email address if need be. When the STB ex finishes moving out (he just started this week... it is soooo painful) I may change everything, my cell phone, my home phone, and my email. IF he tries to remain in contact that will all happen ASAP. I told him I do not want to be friends and hope it is the one wish of mine he will finally respect. Good luck to you... I know how very much it hurts...
And, frankly, I've been on both sides, I've ended relationships and I've been dumped, and you may want to consider (just very briefly) how he feels. He feels incredibly guilty for hurting you, that is certain. He probably does not realize how much these casual contacts hurt your feelings, and I'd bet he doesn't intend to do it. You had a relationship, he may still feel responsible for you, worried about you, guilty for hurting you. Contact may be his confused attempt to smooth it all over and give it all a happy ending. He may be misguided, but his intentions are probably not malignant. An angry email from you about how he's being unfair will just hurt him, and while you may want to hurt him back for hurting you, maybe that's a bit beneath you. He probably does not understand that this hurts you, so gently tell him you need more time, and leave it at that.
I know all about hoping for that response you'll never get. I never got it. I left my ex when he was a jerk when I had cancer, and somehow I thought explaining to him in exquisite detail exactly how I felt and how much he'd hurt me would prompt him to respond, to apologize, beg for me back, whatever. It doesn't happen.
I'm a lawyer, and here's the biggest lesson I've learned about dealing with people - they will never respond positively if you attack them. If you attack, they will attack back. If you hurt them, they will hurt you back. Just human nature. I will bet you any sum you name that if you lay out in excruciating detail every way that he has hurt you and how horrible you feel, you'll get some sort of response from him that either lays out each and every thing you ever did wrong that upset him, or a message designed to hurt your feelings back. You can influence people's behavior, and you do it by setting the tone by how you treat them. If you act maturely, establish your need for space and walk away with dignity, you're more likely to get that respect and consideration in return. If you get "the last word" and lay out why he's a jerk who hurt you, you will not get back the response you're hoping for, may not get eventual friendship, and may be surprised that he hurts you back. This is a common misconception people have, but howling out your pain at the person who caused it does not prompt that person to soothe you and make it alright, it just provokes them to respond in kind or to act defensively. I read a book, "Don't Call That Man," and there's a good point in there - your ex is not your mom or dad, they don't have any obligation to provide you with undying unconditional love, they do not have to soothe you when you're upset or stay in your life if you hurt them. I think the impulse to let it out, to cry to the one who hurts you, is a misguided attempt to be soothed by a parent, and that's unreasonable to expect in adult relationships. In my experience, telling someone off may briefly relieve the pressure for you, but it will not draw them back into your life, they will not see the error of their ways, they will not smack their foreheads and realized they've wronged you and make it their goal in life to make it up to you. Telling people they've hurt you will just provoke them to tell you how you've hurt them, or to hurt you back, or to tell you you're nuts for feeling that way, or (at best) to give you a lame apology and then avoid you.
Ultimately, you'll feel better if you contain that anger and outrage and get past it, rather than just let it all spill out. Let it go. Write a letter to him but don't send it, if you need to get it out. Tell us all exactly what a creep he was.
As to you not expecting to still be in contact with him months later, someone on this board gave me great advice, actually - just because he's talking to you doesn't mean he wants to be with you in a relationship. It may mean that he's also somewhat disturbed by "finality," and doesn't want it to be over because he has a problem accepting change (especially change initiated by him), so this feels like not that much has changed. Another, quite likely, possibility for the continued contact is that he genuinely likes you, likes your sense of humor, your personality, having you in his life. He doesn't want to lose the platonic aspects of having you in his life just because you've ended an intimate relationship. He really does want to be friends, or at least continue with you in his life minus the sex and emotional attachment and with less frequent contact. That's not so mysterious, actually, and it may be something you want, too, *in time* when your emotions are less fragile and you're comfortable that the breakup was the best thing. He's comfortable with friendship because he decided a long time ago the breakup was best and he's at peace with it - you're just not in the same place there. Keep in mind that it could be just that he gets off on thinking you're still hooked on him, so he plugs into your life periodically just to check that, yes, you still have feelings for him, and in that case a break in contact is vital for your healing. From what you've said about finality, though, it's clear that staying in contact has delayed your healing process and led you to feel that the continued contact means something about the possiblity of reconciliation which may not be true, so you know that you need to back away from contact to get through this.
Yeah, no idea when the emotions actually stop. I'm beginning to think "nothing gets you over the last one like the next one" is a decent coping strategy, I'm getting sick of still caring myself. Good luck.
I have a saying that sort of nutshells this... "I don't want to be his safety net"
I don't know when it will stop hurting either... wish I did... my STB ex still hasn't moved out... this weekend that will happen and I truly believe that as much as it hurts, I need him gone now. No more contact will be a positive step towards me healing from this...
hugs to you all
Thank you all again for all the advice and insight. Hopefully this will be just what I needed!
Pages