Will the pain ever go away?
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| Wed, 12-27-2006 - 9:22am |
I am mostly venting, I am so sad. My fiance and I had been together 2 1/2 years and just moved in together this year. It has been rocky, and about every month, he would blow up for no reason, tell me to get out, etc. He was never physically violent but would call names, shout insults, and tell me everything that he perceived was wrong with me. Then things would go back to normal and he would be the sweetest most loving person I'd ever met.
He blew up on Christmas dinner at my family's and we had an argument. My mom saw the whole thing. The next day we were to drive back home (12 hours) and he started calling me a b----, c---, etc. He'd never done this before. I drove back to my mom's from the hotel and said I would not drive like this. He told me to get out of the car. Then he told me to get back in the car and he was leaving, and if I wanted a ride I should get in. He said he wouldn't call me names and that we could be civil on the ride back. My mom told me not to get in the car, but I did. We literally just pulled out of the driveway and he told me to get out, he could not ride with me. I got my suitcase and Christmas presents out of the car. He refused to even ride with my stuff, so now my mom has to ship everything. He said we were using him to transport my stuff and he wouldn't have that. So he drove off and I flew back home. When he got home, he told me to get my stuff out of "his" room.
I have had enough. Tomorrow he will probably want to get back together, but I am looking for an apartment. I am so brokenhearted. I know I can't continue on like this, but no one sees the good times we had and how special we were together. He was everything I ever wanted. We were so good together and we both have quirky personalities that were so right for each other. I hope the pain starts to go away. I will miss him like crazy. I felt like I'd found my soul mate, but not when he is like this. I'd told myself that if he did this again, I would leave, and he did it again.
I would appreciate positive thoughts and prayers. The thought of getting up and facing another day is almost more than I can handle.

Thanks everyone. I can tell I will probably be a regular here at least for a while. Confused, your ex does sound a bit like mine. Everything looks so great on the outside. Eveeryone was so happy for us, wanted to throw us an engagement party, we had a gorgeous ring made, have a nice house, and no one but his parents and mine know that he has treated me like dirt. One day he's fine, the next he wants me out.
For those of you who had to cohabitate before moving out, how long did it take you to find a place? How was it until you moved out? I went apartment hunting today and saw nothing really great. I wish we could be civil until I can move out. He got into my car this morning and took my garage door opener, so I had to go in the front door -- not a big deal, but really immature. The last time he got mad at me he took all the food that I like out of the fridge and hid it. But I am so distraught now I can't even eat. I don't have any real friends here -- I am sort of new to the area and my only real friend moved away last year. People at work are nice but wrapped up in their own lives.
Back to apartment hunting. This is not where I thought I'd be at this point in my life.
The pain will definitely go away. It's been just over a month for me, but I'm starting to slowly feel like a normal person again. I can think of him now and not want to crawl into a hole until it all goes away. This is a major accomplishment! When I was in the depths of my pain, I was convinced that those horrible feelings would never go away. But coming here helped a lot - knowing that others have gone through exactly what I was going through and came out on the other side stronger than they were before. The best thing you did for yourself was to end it. Your ex wasn't treating you with respect. And if you keep letting him treat you that way, you'll end up feeling crappy about yourself because you're willingly staying with someone who is hurting you. The pain will be intense for the short-term, but staying with him will mean pain for the long-term.
Good luck!
pglt, I went through this all in august---I could not find any apartment that I liked, I mean the stress that I would go home to at night with my X and demanding to know where I was(I had to go during working hours). I actually had movers come two weeks before I planned/went into a furnished temp (month to month lease) apartment so I could take the time to look and get something that I was somewhat happy in. When the movers came to pick up my furniture, it was the next day that things got very ugly and I left. My X was shocked that I actually left and I went to get a hotel for the time remaining (he would not let me sleep during the night and I dropped five pounds in a week because I was so nervous/scared around him). The household went from liveable to not liveable at all---he would yell at me and call me names one minute then the next appologize and tell me how much he loves me and wants to work on us/get conseling.
The past four months have been a lot of back and forth, and now I am realizing that long-term, if the relationship is taking this much work upfront, the thought of having kids someday with his temper and controlling antics, I can't do that. Short-term present I want nothing more than to be with him, but I am trying more than ever the past month (and it is sooo hard especially around the holidays/being alone and not knowing anyone) to think future and there is no way that we would be happy life long.
I am doing a lot of reading, I have more guys come up to me in borders and ask so what are the 10 stupid things that I should know ("10 stupid things that women do") or what are you letting go. I also have been going out alone at night to happy hours and making small talk since I really don't know anyone.
My pain has not gone away fully yet. I still miss him (goodtimes), house, dogs, creating a family sense etc; and still find myself getting teared up at times, but then I tell myself to think of all the name calling/invasion of privacy/kicking out/hiding things etc. that ticks me off at him instead of miss him.
Also, thank heavens for these message boards the past month---the advise has been so helpful.