Will the pain ever go away?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Will the pain ever go away?
8
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 9:22am

I am mostly venting, I am so sad. My fiance and I had been together 2 1/2 years and just moved in together this year. It has been rocky, and about every month, he would blow up for no reason, tell me to get out, etc. He was never physically violent but would call names, shout insults, and tell me everything that he perceived was wrong with me. Then things would go back to normal and he would be the sweetest most loving person I'd ever met.

He blew up on Christmas dinner at my family's and we had an argument. My mom saw the whole thing. The next day we were to drive back home (12 hours) and he started calling me a b----, c---, etc. He'd never done this before. I drove back to my mom's from the hotel and said I would not drive like this. He told me to get out of the car. Then he told me to get back in the car and he was leaving, and if I wanted a ride I should get in. He said he wouldn't call me names and that we could be civil on the ride back. My mom told me not to get in the car, but I did. We literally just pulled out of the driveway and he told me to get out, he could not ride with me. I got my suitcase and Christmas presents out of the car. He refused to even ride with my stuff, so now my mom has to ship everything. He said we were using him to transport my stuff and he wouldn't have that. So he drove off and I flew back home. When he got home, he told me to get my stuff out of "his" room.

I have had enough. Tomorrow he will probably want to get back together, but I am looking for an apartment. I am so brokenhearted. I know I can't continue on like this, but no one sees the good times we had and how special we were together. He was everything I ever wanted. We were so good together and we both have quirky personalities that were so right for each other. I hope the pain starts to go away. I will miss him like crazy. I felt like I'd found my soul mate, but not when he is like this. I'd told myself that if he did this again, I would leave, and he did it again.

I would appreciate positive thoughts and prayers. The thought of getting up and facing another day is almost more than I can handle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 11:21am
Two weeks ago, you couldn’t have paid me to believe that I would ever get over him, that I would ever stop crying, or that the depression that I was feeling would ever go away, but I must admit, my two weeks of no contact have absolutely made a difference. When things first started going downhill, I absolutely could not stay away. I called and emailed and texted him, believing that my pleas would turn him back into the person I fell in love with or at least force him to give me a reason why he changed, and it seemed like the more I talked and pleaded, the more distant and mean he became. But after a few visits to this board and hearing so many stories like mine and hearing how “no contact” really works, I finally forced myself to stay away from him completely. And each day, it really did get easier and easier to block him out my mind. We work together so we would normally see each other on a daily basis, but I avoided him at all cost, keeping to my cubical as much as possible. And when he did happened to cross my path, I avoided eye contact and went the other direction. And would you believe that he has the nerve to try and speak to me now? It took me ignoring him for a couple of weeks for him to acknowledge me. I’m not completely over him, but I came to terms with myself that I would not allow him to have that much power over my emotions ever again. So my advice to you would be to go get your stuff and move on. No one deserves to be treated like he’s treated you, especially the name calling. That’s almost unforgivable by itself. I hope this helps. You’re not alone and you can get over him. If I can do it, anyone can. I was a basket case, and now I’m starting to feel like a normal person again. And yes, the pain does go away very gradually.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 12:23pm
i am so sorry that he treated you like this... you truly don't deserve this treatment.. Be strong.. and don't go back... but if you do, make sure he goes to counseling first!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 1:35pm
Your relationship sounds like mine---you should read my thread if you have the time. I was engaged for two years, moved 1200 miles and since the move 19 months ago my X has done a complete 180. He said weekly get out etc. I finally got the courage to get my own apartment in August and then went back to him (kept the apartment luckily) as he begged/vm's/texts/flowers/chocolate/etc. I put my foot down a few weeks back as the same story happened again once I moved back in (a couple weeks were good and then the name calling started and get out). This time though, with my apartment, I don't think twice about leaving and I am not going to stick around. He then calls sends flowers/texts/vm's/emails/gifts(which I send back) and it is soooo hard right now and I feel for you. It is like you know in your head it is wrong, but gosh your heart hurts so much. My mom gave me the advice that think if she were in the situation that I am in---would I want her to stay in it?--the answer is absolutely no.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 3:27pm

Thanks everyone. I can tell I will probably be a regular here at least for a while. Confused, your ex does sound a bit like mine. Everything looks so great on the outside. Eveeryone was so happy for us, wanted to throw us an engagement party, we had a gorgeous ring made, have a nice house, and no one but his parents and mine know that he has treated me like dirt. One day he's fine, the next he wants me out.

For those of you who had to cohabitate before moving out, how long did it take you to find a place? How was it until you moved out? I went apartment hunting today and saw nothing really great. I wish we could be civil until I can move out. He got into my car this morning and took my garage door opener, so I had to go in the front door -- not a big deal, but really immature. The last time he got mad at me he took all the food that I like out of the fridge and hid it. But I am so distraught now I can't even eat. I don't have any real friends here -- I am sort of new to the area and my only real friend moved away last year. People at work are nice but wrapped up in their own lives.

Back to apartment hunting. This is not where I thought I'd be at this point in my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 3:43pm

The pain will definitely go away. It's been just over a month for me, but I'm starting to slowly feel like a normal person again. I can think of him now and not want to crawl into a hole until it all goes away. This is a major accomplishment! When I was in the depths of my pain, I was convinced that those horrible feelings would never go away. But coming here helped a lot - knowing that others have gone through exactly what I was going through and came out on the other side stronger than they were before. The best thing you did for yourself was to end it. Your ex wasn't treating you with respect. And if you keep letting him treat you that way, you'll end up feeling crappy about yourself because you're willingly staying with someone who is hurting you. The pain will be intense for the short-term, but staying with him will mean pain for the long-term.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 5:05pm

pglt, I went through this all in august---I could not find any apartment that I liked, I mean the stress that I would go home to at night with my X and demanding to know where I was(I had to go during working hours). I actually had movers come two weeks before I planned/went into a furnished temp (month to month lease) apartment so I could take the time to look and get something that I was somewhat happy in. When the movers came to pick up my furniture, it was the next day that things got very ugly and I left. My X was shocked that I actually left and I went to get a hotel for the time remaining (he would not let me sleep during the night and I dropped five pounds in a week because I was so nervous/scared around him). The household went from liveable to not liveable at all---he would yell at me and call me names one minute then the next appologize and tell me how much he loves me and wants to work on us/get conseling.

The past four months have been a lot of back and forth, and now I am realizing that long-term, if the relationship is taking this much work upfront, the thought of having kids someday with his temper and controlling antics, I can't do that. Short-term present I want nothing more than to be with him, but I am trying more than ever the past month (and it is sooo hard especially around the holidays/being alone and not knowing anyone) to think future and there is no way that we would be happy life long.

I am doing a lot of reading, I have more guys come up to me in borders and ask so what are the 10 stupid things that I should know ("10 stupid things that women do") or what are you letting go. I also have been going out alone at night to happy hours and making small talk since I really don't know anyone.

My pain has not gone away fully yet. I still miss him (goodtimes), house, dogs, creating a family sense etc; and still find myself getting teared up at times, but then I tell myself to think of all the name calling/invasion of privacy/kicking out/hiding things etc. that ticks me off at him instead of miss him.

Also, thank heavens for these message boards the past month---the advise has been so helpful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 5:23pm
That's a good idea. I may leave my stuff here and go into a temporary apartment. I am having trouble eating, which always happens when I am stressed out. Thank goodness for vitamin shakes and bars, or I would go down the drain. I have to force myself to eat each bite. I guess some would be happy with this problem, but it is another worry to me. I can't sleep because I wonder what he's doing in the bedroom next to mine and hear him thumping around. He mentioned that he would get counseling if he exploded like this again, but he blames it all on me and also felt that if we need counseling before marriage, then we are doomed. We just opened 2 accounts together, so I have to figure out how to close those out. His parents don't know and they will be devastated. And I love the neighborhood we're in but don't want to be close to him, so that means moving away where it will be an awful commute to work. Ugh. I have learned a lot from living with him, but I also sort of wish we'd never moved in together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 8:22am
I can't sleep at all. At least he has not bothered me too much so far -- we spoke 3 words yesterday. I am so mad, I found the receipt from the hotel where he stayed over Christmas (which was charged to my credit card) and he paid $30 for porn on Christmas. With my money! The nerve. I hope that I can start feeling better every day, but so far I'm not. The OTC sleeping pill did not work. I can hardly face going in to work today. I just pray constantly that I can get through this.