Wish I didn't have to come to this board

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wish I didn't have to come to this board
3
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 4:41pm

But I am here anyway and looking for some support. I need a hug and a shoulder to lean on. Here is my story:

I have been my current boyfriend for two and a half years. I am 23 and he is 34. Please don't judge the age difference. He is now questioning my commitment to him and our relationship. We have always talked about the future in the light that we will be together forever. Well I have to admit I have been questioning whether or not this would truely be possible. He told me today that he has finally woke up and let all the hints sink in. I didn't think I was giving hints but I guess I was wrong.

I don't know what to do now. I really love him, I love spending time with him, I love what he adds to my life but he is right I am not sure if he is the one and I guess after two years I should know if he was the one. So I guess we are in a position that breaking up is just the right thing to do. This is the longest relationship I have ever been and I have no idea how to really accept that things shouldn't carrying on. He is my life, my best friend, my everything and I really don't want to let it go. But I guess I am just being selfish.

How do I come to terms that we need to go our separate ways and how do I just let him walk away. In the two and a half years I have always fought really hard to keep this relationship going and I don't have a clue how to quit doing that.

I hate this so much!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 4:49pm

Okay, so what he has got or not got that you hve to have, or will not tolerate? What specifically is it that has you thinking "this is not for me".

Because in teh last paragraph you say that you've worked and sacrificed and done everything possible to keep this going.

Which is it...you're not sure...or you're very sure and he's not so sure.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 5:59pm

I think I understand from your post that you would like me to list why I don't see us together in the long run.

#1 I know my parents don't think he is the right one and I really value their opinion. I actually saw my mom roll her eyes behind his back.

#2 He doesn't have a stable career and isn't career focussed which will probably lead to me bring home all the money and providing a financial stable lifestyle. I will have a good career but this could put so much stress on me that I don't think is fair.

#3 His takes care of his mother and she lives with him. It we ever were to live together it would be the three of us.

#4 He has a temper and was physically disciplined as a child and his parents yelled at him all the time. I am afraid even though he promised he would never do this to his kids that it might just naturally come out.

#5 He is so much like my father and not in a good way. My father was an alcholic that lied to me all the time. I played investigator a lot trying to catch him in his lies. I feel like I am doing this with my boyfriend as well because I don't fully, 100% trust him. He has lied to me a number of times.

#6 He has made me cry so many times "no man is worth your tears and the one that is won't make you cry"

#7 He seems to fight with me and leave in the worse times. Around my birthday, when we have a trip planned, when my car breaks down and I need him to help me out, this weekend we are suppose to got to my Grandpa's 80th Birthday Party and it doesn't look like he will be going. This makes me feel that I can't rely on him.

#8 I don't want to settle down until I am in my late twenties and his clock is ticking.

So this is why I think it is time to admit that this relationship has run its course. I can't have all this in the back on my mind while trying to be positive and planning a future with him. This is easier said than done though because I can still feel that I don't want to end things. I don't want to live with out him in my life. Man I am so stupid.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 7:45pm

#1 I know my parents don't think he is the right one and I really value their opinion. I actually saw my mom roll her eyes behind his back.
Okay, so maybe your mother is rolling her eyes because of "how and who he is" and doesn't want that for you.

#2 He doesn't have a stable career and isn't career focussed which will probably lead to me bring home all the money and providing a financial stable lifestyle. I will have a good career but this could put so much stress on me that I don't think is fair.
So, you're figuring out that his physical age doesn't mean he's mature, prioritizing, or focused...and that you'd have to be the primary breadwinner, bill payer, superviser of all the responsibilities if you two were married.

#3 His takes care of his mother and she lives with him. It we ever were to live together it would be the three of us.
In reality, he lives with his mother becuase he can't take care of himself financially and otherwise.......and you're right that if you were to marry - you'd live "with them".

#4 He has a temper and was physically disciplined as a child and his parents yelled at him all the time. I am afraid even though he promised he would never do this to his kids that it might just naturally come out.
I address this below. He has no children now and your question specifically addresses what he would do with children.

#5 He is so much like my father and not in a good way. My father was an alcholic that lied to me all the time. I played investigator a lot trying to catch him in his lies. I feel like I am doing this with my boyfriend as well because I don't fully, 100% trust him. He has lied to me a number of times.
Well, he's a liar..and he'd lie about important and irrelevant things....this is a legitmate concern. There is no trust in a relationshipw tih a liar...and yet alliance is impactive and to put your future in alliance with a liar is stupidity on your part.

#6 He has made me cry so many times "no man is worth your tears and the one that is won't make you cry"
This.....has no merit really. YOu're crying as a result of your feelings and expectations in particular situations. What he does "doesn't make you cry" - that you expec thim to be different than he is and you find out to the contrary that he is still "like he is" situationally - is what makes you cry.

#7 He seems to fight with me and leave in the worse times. Around my birthday, when we have a trip planned, when my car breaks down and I need him to help me out, this weekend we are suppose to got to my Grandpa's 80th Birthday Party and it doesn't look like he will be going. This makes me feel that I can't rely on him.
It doesn't make you "feel" that you cannot rely on him...it lets you KNOW that you cannot rely on him. So, you'd pay the bills, care for his mother, you'd be responsible for the children, you'd supervise him...while he did basically 'wahtever he wanted' - NOT a good relationship, at least not for you. Another good reason for your mother to roll her eyes.

#8 I don't want to settle down until I am in my late twenties and his clock is ticking.No, honey is CLOCK is not ticking in terms of "I want to be a daddy". What is ticking away is his opportunities and options.
No self-respecting, responsible, mature, secure 34 year old woman or 30 year old woman would give him the time of day. He's immature, insecure, unreliable, irresponsible, illogical and unsuccessful - he has NOTHING to offer a mature, secure, responsible, goal focused, astute and self-accepting woman. Therefore it is IMPERATIVE that into his circle he get someone inexperienced, insecure, questioning her own worth and how life works in general. It's imperative that he saddle you with babies and put a ring on your finger so that you're "responsible" for him for the remainder of your days......so that he has someone to rely on, provide for him, and assist him...while he calls the shots and you do the work.

As he ages...the women your age are ging to cease to find him appealing. What most young, self-responsible, secure, seeking independence women your age want is to be "taken out, shown the town, and have someone by my side". They're looking to date and enjoy life - while defining great life and achieving it on their own. They're not looking to be hooked to a plow like a nag horse and being whipped into servitude.

He can't do that. He lacks financial stability, personal independence, and any traits that most upward bound women find attractive. And he knows it. So what he's relying on right now is a "time window". HE's 34...which means he still MIGHT become successful if he can convince some young and inexperienced and insecure girl that he's a "good catch". HE can't convince someone closer to his age of that...they've made somethingg of themselves, knw what it required of them...and that he hasn't got that ability. They don't want alliance.

As he ages......he's not going to be as physically attractive to girls your age. He's got about MAYBE 4 more years of being able to "attract" the attention of the young 20-something hottie, lacking in life experience, and "looking for a relationship as a source of security, identity and independence." He would look like that...to someone who lacks options, self-awareness, education, opportunities or familial alliance...and so he could attract them to "take care of him".

Because what isn't going to happen...is all the things that girls "your age" want to do...because guys his age have "already done them" and while he didn't do them - he can't afford to do them because YOU Have to work to earn hsi retirement....he hasn't got time to take you to Bermuda!

So this is why I think it is time to admit that this relationship has run its course. I can't have all this in the back on my mind while trying to be positive and planning a future with him. This is easier said than done though because I can still feel that I don't want to end things.
where you are now....for future reference, is the point that many men find themselves in when pursued very discretely by a woman "wanting a commitment". This man has integrated himself in your life - while offering very little in terms of the here and now, with you assuming what would "be someday"...while giving to him now. And he's now pressing you based on "all he wants and all he's given" - for you to commit to serving his needs and his agenda. And you're to the point of saying"this has to end because you can't agree to just live in the moment and enjoy what we have"......because he NEEDS commitment, in order to further his security and stability in life in general.

Don't reverse this position in your future relationships - of you rushing towards commitment with uncommunicated bargains only to find yourself pulling a horse by the bridle that refuses to move.

I don't want to live with out him in my life.
Why? The guy doesn't sound like osmeone you want to imitate in terms of his success, his values, his character, his traits...he doesn't sound like a role model, or a positive influence. He doesn't sound like someone that you are proud to affiliate with. IT sounds like you've gotten alot of distraction, diversion, investment, time, energy, effort, sacrifice, and expense tied up in this..you'd LIKE for it to pay out like you would envision it...but you know it won't....and you just don't want to give up on the potential of the investment...but you're MORE than ready to callit quits with this loser...admit it.

Man I am so stupid.
Nope, immature and inexperienced. If you learn from this - you'll overcome "stupid".

I'm amazed at how easily you listed why it is this has to end....can you so easily list why it is you desire his friendship and alliance?

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com