wishing he would come back

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2006
wishing he would come back
3
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 11:21am

Hi. I have been ALL OVER these boards with this issue, but I think I've finally landed in the right place. I don't know if y'all are like me and read across so many different boards, but if so, you may recognize my sad tale. I'll try to keep it short.

My boyfriend and I were together for three and a half years, we were very, very happy, had a lot of fun together, talked about marriage, the works. I'm in my mid-30s and he's younger than me, but he brought out my playful and courageous side and I brought out a lot of good qualities in him as well. Well, we broke up about three weeks ago due to the fact that I finally hit the point where I couldn't keep going without a ring, and he couldn't (or wouldn't) give me one.

So much of the good advice I've gotten on these boards I've tried to follow. So many nice people have told me I did the right thing, that if he wanted me back he would find me, etc, etc. My ex is a pretty passive guy, and I think right now he's feeling like this situation has been thrust upon him, and he would love it if we could just go back to how it was before. I don't know if he will ever face up to his fears about marriage and commitment, but obviously I am really wishing that he could and that he'll contact me in a month or two wanting to reconcile.

I'm really wanting to find someone else fast... mostly because of my age and because I've always wanted to have kids. I guess my main concern is how can I get over him when part of me is still hoping he'll come around eventually? I guess I'll just let go a little bit every day...

I guess I don't have a specific question. I just want to be here, among people who can understand what I'm going through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 11:28am

Well, you aren't alone. My ex was both passive and commitment-phobic. Problem was, he was commitment-phobic with someone else. I was the girl he flirted with to deal with the suffocation of his commitment to his girlfriend (whom he was secretly engaged to). His was SO passive that he couldn't work up the energy, nerve, WHATEVER to leave his situation -- it was easier just to be lazy and stay there with her. All women want a man who will FIGHT for her. These men simply won't do that. Ever. And for me, that's not enough. He's got to have the ambition to see what he wants and go the heck after it. Not just be content to drift into whatever is easiest and most comfortable.

It's doubtful he'll get over his commitment-phobia in the time you need. But don't rush into marriage with him or anyone else just to have kids. Take time to make sure the relationship is right first. If you end up marrying the wrong person in a rush and then end up divorced in a couple of years, you'll be even further behind in your goals. I know how it feels to be in your 30s and feel like time is running out. I've resigned myself to possibly not having kids (I'm 35). For some of us, maybe we're destined for something else. If I find someone I can travel the world with and have fun, I'll be happy with that too.

Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2006
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 1:25pm

Thanks, Steph. It really is just so helpful to hear from other people who have been through the same stuff. One of my friends went through a situation like this one and the guy came back a few months later, but in her case, he'd gone to therapy and was really committed to changing his attitude. My ex is probably not going to take that step.

As each day goes by though, I am just floored by the fact that he is making no effort to get me back. I really thought he loved me. He definitely said it all the time. I can't believe he would go down without a fight.

Hopefully there's someone better for me out there. And for you too, and for all of us poor heartbroken posters!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 8:59pm
Wow - my relationship of three years ended for much the same reason. My b-friend knew I wanted more and that eventually pushed him away (there were many other factors, but that is the one he brought up, of course - a way to take some of the blame off themselves). 2-1/2 weeks ago he told me I am no longer a priority and we broke up. I feel as if it was my fault b/c I wanted to move forward and he didn't. There is a song lyric - "If it's not right then it's wrong" - you know you need more and he must know he cannot give that to you. I MISS my ex - and I would love to be with him, but I also know we would settle right back in where we left off. If getting married is truly important to you then you need to find someone who also wants marriage. And three years is enough time to know if you want to marry someone! If he is not sure then you deserve better. I would try not to feel rushed - as difficult as it is. Will he come back...maybe, but you need to take care of you and do what you can to move on at this point. Good luck!!