Without his company...I am lost. Help.
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 07-04-2006 - 1:25pm |
Hi Everyone,
I am writing to pour my heart out...
I don't feel like living anymore.
Life seems dull and depressing.
I am in love with this person since several months....but he isn't ready to be in a relationship. I have tried breaking up (breaking our contact) with him several times, but everytime I give in. Everytime, I get weak. And then I wonder maybe the plan of the universe is that I am NOT supposed to lose contact with him. Maybe I should try my Best-est to keep my emotions away when we talk, and connect to him as a friend only, but this is easier said than done. A line of thought:
If I am not myself with him, how will he know what I am feeling? Hence I express my emotions to him when I talk to him.
He lives long distance. This weekend, he visited with me for sometime, and then again this morning, on his way to the airport, he came by with his friend....(that was so nice of him). It was one of my happiest moments with him. Mingling with him and his friend. It was the first time we got to see each other in a social setting. When we talked later, and I became emotional on the phone, he said I shouldn't talk that way, because it makes things very difficult for him, and he might end up becoming "guarded". What did he mean?
What should I be doing in this situation?
I badly, badly, need the company of someone I love, and it's him. And I am frustrated, and angry, and in grief and distressed because he is neither ready, and to make matters worse, he does not even live in my city.
I told him on the phone today "I can't live like this. Take me with you. I want to be where you are". I am sure he didn't take it well, because he was silent, and then told me I shouldn't talk like that.
I feel lonely, and isolated.
A part of me wants to meet other men, go out with other men, (not in a serious sense, but just for having a good time) but I also feel guilty for thinking about that.
If I love him, I should be having the patience to wait it out....who knows, maybe in the future, he will turn around? But do I have that patience to keep waiting as his friend?
Plus, if he comes to know that I am meeting other men, perhaps, his interest might wane.
I do not have a circle of friends I can fall back upon.
But I do know, that even with friends, and keeping myself busy etc. I will still feel extremely sad, and lonely inside.
I don't know what to do in this situation.
Should I try to be his friend? Or cut off contact? I know deep inside my heart, that cutting off contact does not seem like the right way to go. I can't do it. We are "connected" in that manner, and it seems like we are *meant* to stay in touch.

Being in a situation where your feelings are not returned is really, really painful. The only way to not have that pain is to stop having contact. If you continue, you are treating yourself disrespectfully, IMO. I truly believe that continuing to beat your head against that wall is self-destructive.
His "guarded" comment means that you are showing him too much emotion and he is warning you that continuing to do so will make him pull away from you. But as you say, you need to be able to be yourself with him--but he doesn't want that. Can you really turn that part of you off? Do you want to?
The "universe" doesn't want you to continue to be unhappy...that's your ego and self-will talking. You want to be in control of the situation--you hope that if you try hard enough and stay in touch, and wait long enough, he'll come around. But it doesn't work that way. The only thing you can control is your own behavior. Do you want to stay in pain, or do you want to have a chance of feeling better eventually? If you stop contact, it WILL be painful for a while...but it WILL get better. If you keep talking to him, it won't...it will just continue to be painful. So, which do you choose?
Sheri
Hi Sheri,
Yeah.....you are right.
But..it's not that he is returning zero to me. He is returning something to me. He is not expressing it in words, but...in his action, he does. Or when he texts me, sometimes he types *hugs*. He doesn't have to do all that. I don't really have any complaints from him. He has been good and caring towards me. That is what makes it so difficult. I wish, he could cut contact with me, disappear or something, or show me a really bad side of him, or be rude to me, start talking bout other girls etc. That would make it so much easier for me to lose him. But here, the main problem is, he is not only nice, but he is also giving me mixed signals.....of not good and bad, but good and neutral. So it keeps me wondering, and hoping.....that he perhaps, just needs a lil time. We havent even gotten to spend enough face time with each other, for him to realize....what we can have together. If we had been together forever, and if he had left, then I'd know that he already knows me, and is sure it's not what he wants. But here, I am giving him the benefit of the doubt, because, he still doesn't know what we can have together. And clearly, because he is staying in touch, it looks like...he wants more time. YET, he has always been negative about the future. Perhaps, that's his way of letting me know I should not wait for him. But he still needs lots of time to know me, and to know "us" better. Perhaps, in a friendship sense.
We spent last friday night together. We were "this" close to being intimate....but he showed AMAZING restraint, and he did not do anything, even though he easily could have. Any guy would have, had he seen this opportunity. Yes, we were very close and he was very loving, very expressive and affectionate, but nothing happened. I wanted it to happen (we have never been intimate), and I surprised myself....becoz only I know how much I want it only with that one special person. But, it was the opposite here. The girl wanting it, and the guy not doing it. He said "We have to think about tomorrow".
My respect and love for him shot a million folds over....when I saw this side of him.
How easily he could have had me. But he chose not to. I was impressed....even though I felt a bit let down. But I knew, we did the right thing, by not getting involved that way. Deep in my heart, I knew, he had taken the right step. That he just did not want to hurt me and raise my expectations and involvement.
How can I not love him? I admire him so much.
I adore him, admire him, love him. Rarely does a guy make me feel this way.
And yet, he is so within my reach, yet unreachabale.
Sigh.
I know Sheri, that no contact would really be the "right" way to go....
and in this scenario, "waiting" does sound foolish..
But why did he have to be so good? Why did he have to treat me so well?
At this point I just basically feel so lost in the sea...
with nothing to hold on to..
Meeting him always shows me a lot more than I can get out from him on the phone. On the phone, he is just this ultra quite, unexpressive person and I agree it makes me a bit frustrated, and makes it seem like he doesn't have anything for me. But in person, he is so expressive.....and even when he is not talking, his actions show so much more.
But he is gone again, now.
Wonder, when we will meet again next.
Wish things were not this complicated.
What you should be doing is treating yourself with more self-respect than you're currently doing. You deserve somebody who appreciates you as much as you appreciate him, and if he can't appreciate you like that, then he doesn't deserve you. It's as simple as that. And if you don't even have enough respect for yourself to walk away and find somebody else when he says he doesn't want to date you, then why would he have any respect for you?
My boyfriend was actually really into me for a long time before I fell for him, and I am absolutely certain that if he had continued behaving towards me, the way you're behaving towards this guy- putting his whole dating life on hold just in case I came around and continuing to tell me how crazy he was about me after I'd said I wasn't interested- there is absolutely no way I could ever have fallen in love with him. I found myself falling for him when I reached a point in my life where I was able to appreciate what he had to offer, and there was nothing he could have done to have helped me reach that point any sooner. But he did the best thing he could have done under the circumstances which is to be open to meeting other girls and to stop talking about his crush for me. That way when I did find myself starting to fall for him, I knew to appreciate how lucky I was to have snatched him up before any other girl did. If I'd seen him as somebody who would always be there waiting for me when I changed my mind, then I would have thought of him as being below me, and I would have thought of being with him as settling.
I just read your second post, and wanted to comment on a few more things. It could be that you're reading more into things than is really there because you want to see things. I know my boyfriend told me after we got together that there were a few times before that when he thought he picked up on signs of interest from me, but he'd been wrong, and I had thought I was being really careful about not leading him on.
The other thing is that it could be true that he doesn't know you well enough to know how he would like you, but if that's the case then that means you also don't know him well enough to know if he's really incredible as you imagine him being. I just know that before I was with my boyfriend, I had a few guys that I developed really intense crushes even though I didn't know them that well yet. Looking back, I realize it was really just infatuation because I was more in love with the idea of having a boyfriend, and I was in love with what I imagined them as being in my mind. Because I didn't get to see these guys nearly as much as I fantasized about seeing them, I almost saw them as magical creatures. When I fell in love with my boyfriend, it was a different type of experience because I knew him so well. He couldn't seem so mystical and heavenly and perfect to me. Instead, he felt more like my equal, but like another part of me that I was missing, if that makes any sense. But he also believes that what he felt for me at the beginning was just a really intense crush, and that he didn't really know me well enough until after we started dating. That's when he started seeing lots of different sides of me that he hadn't seen before, and not all of them are that pleasant.
It could also be that the guy you like is afraid of getting involved with him because your feelings seems so strong that he's afraid they'll get crushed if he gets involved with you, and then things don't work out. I don't think you should hide the fact that you're interested in a guy if you like him, but I also don't think you need to say that your feelings are intense to the point where you're lost without the person until you're in a serious relationship. If your feelings are that strong, then it's more about you and your fantasies than about the other person so there is no reason why they should have to know.
Yes, accepting the reality of the situation is tough, especially when he's a good guy (and you most likely wouldn't love him if he wasn't a good guy, so that's the catch-22).
Hi rosewater,
Thanks for your reply...
your insight about you and your boyfriend has helped. Yeah, even I have been considering not being too vocal an expressive about my feelings for him from now on. I will try. Just that, I don't want to feel something else inside, and express something else outside. If I am not genuine with him, how will he ever know how I am really feeling and thinking at that point in time, and in my life, for him? And if I keep him away from 'the truth', how will he ever feel confidant about coming for me, if he doesn't even know how I feel for him?
I feel infatuation or a crush is not bad, because it leads to wanting to get to know the person fully. Attraction leads to deeper things....i.e. if we are interested. Yes, we have barely spent much face time with each other, but I am in love with and very attracted to him and his qualities. It's not even the "physical looks" part. That doesn't even play a role here, although, ordinarily, that would play a big role for me. (no offence to my dear guy, but if I had seen him first, I wouldn't have given a second glance to him....but we had the opportunity to chat online first, and then get on the phone, long before we actually met in person. He totally wowed me with his mind, his quiet wit, the respect his showed me, his specific quiet, strong guy charm...his simplicity and down to earth nature). Now I swoon over him, not because of his looks, but because of how he makes me feel, how much I admire him for his qualities he has shown. Only I know best. And ofcourse, there's a strong spark when we come close. I think, it's not the physical, but the emotional connection that triggers that feeling of attraction for him. Inanycase, this is all besides the point. I know this is not a crush, like I have for a movie star. I love him for his true qualities that I have known and experienced. And I am perfectly aware of some of his shortcomings. I am very sure, I might see more shortcomings once I get to know him in an everyday sense in real life (if that day ever comes)....but I am prepared. I already accept him as he is. Plus, I just wanna date him. What I feel for him is strong enough to want to date him exclusively. I am not jumping ahead of myself here, and wanting and dreaming about marrying him. I want us to have all the time we want to have to reach that important decision.
Actually you are right rosewater, so much of it long distance is more a fantasy. I agree. I spend so much time thinking how things "might" be. I need more info about him and about how we would gel in an everyday real-life sense. But for that to happen, we need to be able to meet often. And for that, he needs to be able to accept me and be open to us. It's a vicious cycle. I really have no complaints in the keeping in touch part. We talk everyday. We text everyday. He often sends me "have a nice day at work" texts .. he is thoughtful and caring. If he is late, and he knows I would be waiting, he lets me know. I couldn't really ask for more. Infact, he is giving me more than I expected. I dont even expect all this that he has been doing for me. He doesn't have to. Then why is he? It makes me confused. I have known a guy who wasn't interested in a relationship, who would totally avoid me. He would pretend to be ultra busy with work and let the machine answer the phone, and one guy even disappeared from my life without a word when I expressed my seriousness for him. Compared to those guys, this person is not ignoring me, he cares for me, respects me, listens to what I have to say and express, and I admire him even more for that.
Ofcourse, the only thing I am missing from him is an emotional sharing of his "feelings" which he never does. Like even a simple "I miss you". And He has never said the L word to me yet. (but then, most guys are not that expressive even when they are interested in a girl). But I understand. Why would he express if he is not *with* me to begin with? Even though, to someone who looks from outside in, it would Seem like we are together.
He told me this time we met....that "Maybe I am stopping myself from feeling like the way you do for me". It just baffles me why he would do that.
But I do understand, that I need to not appear clingy to him, becoz it will only push him away further. I know I am not respecting myself enough. I am hanging on to him...talking to him everyday....not knowing..where we are going, or whether we are moving at all. Only the days seem to be moving, not us. I know he has told me the future wont happen...and he has given me "reasons" (excuses?) like his being afraid of responsibility of someone being so dependent on him (how does one interpret and deal with this reason?), and telling me he cannot go against his parents wishes (what does it take to politely let our parents know we like someone. Is it rocket science?). And yet, I continue to cling to him everyday of my life.
Sometimes, I wish he would leave me. But why doesnt he?
Even when I resolve to break up....I either fall weak myself or he ends up contacting me to ask how I am doing, like he did a few days ago.
It just seems, like totally cutting each other off our lives...is just not happening, neither for him, nor for me.
Sure, I can consider going out with other guys...(and I am very sure he would be cool about that(atleast on the surface)...infact he'd be happy that I am taking control of my life) but...going out with another guy would mean
a. i have moved on. (he might think I no longer feel for him)
b. losing him (not relating to him anymore like the way I do now)
c. losing him to another girl perhaps.
d. misleading the new guy. does the new guy deserve me, if i have 'him' in my heart secretly?
e. hurting him
f. being in the awkward position of letting him know I am out with a guy when he contacts me.
I know, maybe I sound silly....but I am just unable to think of hurting him by dating another guy. Plus I dont want to look to him, like I am betraying him, or trying to make him jealous, or playing games, or that, my love was shallow.
How do I deal with all of the above points?
One thing I will surely be trying from this moment onwards though:
Reducing my emotional expressions to him.
Here's a thought...if you're really worried about him thinking you've moved on if you date other men, you could TELL him, "since you are not interested in a committed, romantic, relationship with me, I'm going to move on and date other people. It's not that I don't still care about you but I feel I owe it to myself to do so. I hope that if you change your mind about being in such a relationship with me, you'll let me know, but in the meantime, I need to move on." That way, he would KNOW why you're doing it and there would be no misunderstandings.
It seems to me that you should be able to talk honestly and openly with someone you love about things like that.
And he's not cutting this off or avoiding you because what you currently have is *enough* for him...he gets enough out of it to be content with what it IS. If you're not getting what you want out of it, then YOU have to be the one to take responsibility for yourself and say "this isn't enough". He's treating you like an adult with free will who can take care of herself. It's up to you to actually do so.
But frankly, I don't think dating other guys is the answer. As you say, your heart isn't open. What would give you the best chance of future happiness would be to cut off contact with this man, do the grieving necessary to get over him, build your life into one where you are happy and content on your own, and THEN start dating.
Sheri
Hi Sheri.
Yeah...telling him that clearly would surely be helpful. Thank you..
I will address your concerns one by one.
"If I am not genuine with him, how will he ever know how I am really feeling and thinking at that point in time, and in my life, for him? And if I keep him away from 'the truth', how will he ever feel confidant about coming for me, if he doesn't even know how I feel for him?"
Now that's he's heard you have feelings for him, unless you lie and tell him otherwise, he'll always suspect that either those feelings are still there or that they will become at any moment he shows an interest. If he ever really wants you, believe me, he'll take the risk of seeing if you're still interested.
"Sometimes, I wish he would leave me. But why doesnt he?"
Because he enjoys the friendship, but from the other things you say, it sounds like he is not comfortable taking your relationship to the next level so you need to respect that. Besides it sounds like he really just doesn't have those types of feelings for you.
"Sure, I can consider going out with other guys...(and I am very sure he would be cool about that(atleast on the surface)...infact he'd be happy that I am taking control of my life) but...going out with another guy would mean
"a. i have moved on. (he might think I no longer feel for him)"
see above
"b. losing him (not relating to him anymore like the way I do now)"
The way you are relating to him now is not healthy for you. You are overly emotionally caught up when he can't return the feelings.
"c. losing him to another girl perhaps."
That could just as easily happen regardless of whoever else you are dating. At least this way if he finds another girl, then you won't feel like wasted however much time waiting for him
"d. misleading the new guy. does the new guy deserve me, if i have 'him' in my heart secretly?"
I don't think you should get involved with another guy if your heart is completely with this guy. I just think you should look around and pay attention to other guys that interest you. If there are any that you think you might possibly get more serious feelings for, then you should take it slow, and only get in an exclusive relationship if you really are more interested in them. If your feelings for him will really interfere in your ability to develop relationships with other guys, then you should probably cut him out off your life.
"e. hurting him"
I really don't think he will get hurt because he seems to only see you as a friend. If he does get hurt, then that is a direct result of not wanting to offer you a relationship. If he can't offer you a relationship, then he has no basis to complain if it hurts me to see you with somebody else. You have to watch out for your own feelings, and right now you are the one hurting.
"f. being in the awkward position of letting him know I am out with a guy when he contacts me."
If you talk to him regularly, then you're probably telling him about other things that are happening in your life. Why not just mention it to him ahead of time that by the way you'll be going out with this guy that you met from wherever? Like you said, he'll probably be happy that you're moving on with your life.
"Plus I dont want to look to him, like I am betraying him, or trying to make him jealous, or playing games, or that, my love was shallow."
Well, you can't betray him when you're not in a relationship with him. But if you don't want it to look like you're trying to make him jealous or to play games, then don't try to make him jealous and don't play games with him. If you're dating somebody else make sure you're doing it for yourself and because it's what you really want to do, not for his reaction. If you find yourself wanting to tell him about a guy you're seeing in order to get him jealous, and not because it's just a part of your life and you're used to telling him about your life, then don't say anything. I also don't think there is any need to rush into dating somebody new especially if your using it as a way to get over this guy. You may want to start by just keeping your eyes open for interesting guys and seeing if you can develop real crushes on any other guys you meet.
Really, if things are meant to be between the two of you, then they'll happen when the time is right. Until something actually happens though, then you shouldn't put your life on hold for him. In the large majority of cases when one person has a crush on the other, and the other only likes them as a friend, then the one who likes the other as a friend never develops any further feelings. And again if it really interferes with your ability to have a relationship with anybody, then it may be better for you to end this friendship.