woman looking for man point of view

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
woman looking for man point of view
3
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 2:13pm
I am 32 and I have been with my husband for 8 years. I love him very much and I do believe he loves me. The first 3 years we were together, were the happiest of my life. He was a good husband and step-father. We have been separated for the last 3 years, trying off and on to make it work. He left me 3 years ago due to his drug problem. We lost everything because of this. Had to sell the house (got no money out of it) and I had to start over, depending on my mom for help because when he left me I did not work or have any income. I had to struggle and pull my self out of a ditch and put mine and my children's life back together, which was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. My children are 13 & 14, boy and girl.
He has carried on with his drug problem (off and on) until he was put in jail 2 months ago due to violating his probation. He admitted to me after being in jail a couple of weeks, that some of the times I thought he was clean that he wasn't. He even admitted to me where and who he was getting his drugs from. Speed and crack are his drugs of choice. Now that he is clean and off all the drugs, he says that he can think more clearly and sees how bad he messed up and how much he hurt me. He attends AA and another counseling group for help, while in jail. He promises to change and stay clean if I give him one more chance and let him come home when he gets out. He talks about how much he has missed me and how sorry he is. I just want the man I married back before all the drugs. I am so scared of being hurt again. The past 3 years have been the hardest. He has hurt and lied to me many times since we separated. I don't know if I should trust and believe him. I want to because I have been so lost and unhappy without him.
Do people really change? Can he? I don't know what the chances are of him coming home and staying off of drugs. Crack from what I hear is a very hard and strong drug to stay off of. I don't know how to make it clear to him that I can't handle anymore lies or disappointments. It's killing my soul, if that makes since. I want him to come home but I am scared.
How do I know what the right thing to do is??
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 2:27pm

Sorry, there aren't a lot of men on this site (given that it's a site for women ;-)). But I can give you the point of view of an addict in recovery (alcohol, in my case). I've been sober for 12 years now so I do know it's *possible*, but my understanding is that the percentage of addicts who get and stay clean and sober is pretty low.

Being clean and sober in a place where it's hard to get drugs and you don't have the freedom to give into temptations is a lot easier than being clean and sober out in the real world. So no, I don't think you should take him back as soon as he gets released. He needs to show you that he can maintain his sobriety in the real world for an extended period of time (at least 6 months I'd say) before you should even consider putting yourself or your children through the risk of taking him back.

Are you attending Alanon or whatever the equivalent is for NA? I think that would help you a lot.

The right thing to do is to make sure you and your children have a safe, stable life without an active addict in it. So take whatever steps you need to in order to increase the chances of that.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 2:37pm

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry for your hurt. Now, I'm not a man, so I can't give you that point of view. But I do just want to tell you that I have known two men who wanted to change some bad habits they held, and they each went to groups, and they each DID change. Both of these men had serious anger/temper problems, and I have seen both of them truly overcome that and become very calm and controlled people. It was hard work for both of them, but because they truly wanted to make these changes, they succeeded. For each of them, they were motivated by other relationships (not just girlfriends, but relationships with everyone), and also for their own sakes. One man had an alchohol abuse problem, the other was a chronic marijuana smoker. They each overcame these challenges too.

I'm sorry that I can't speak directly to your situation. I just wanted to give you my two cents on whether people can change - I believe YES, people can change. And I also just wanted to tell you that I feel bad for you. This board is a good place, it really is. So stay in touch, you would be amazed at the support you can find here!

Cheers,
Lydia

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 3:46pm
If you could look back to when you were young, is this the kind of man you hoped to be with when you became an adult woman? Now that you have a past with him, there is a history, emotion, feelings, children, etc. to think about. You have to ask yourself: Am I trying to live life the right way by the rules and getting the same in return? Of course he's off drugs in jail, he can't get any. Perhaps he's due for one more chance after he gets out. If he goes back to his old ways then you have to move on. There is a fine line between loving someone and their problems becoming your problems and ruining your life.