world turned upside down
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| Tue, 07-11-2006 - 11:49pm |
It's been a little over two weeks since he broke up with me. I was blind-sided.
We had been together 1.5 years (our one-and-a-half year "anniversary" would've been Saturday), happy the entire time. We've only had a couple of fights, if you could even call them that.
Our last weekend together, before the breakup, was terrific. We had a long weekend together, spending quality time with each other, visiting w/my parents for lunch one day, and talking about marriage in concrete terms (he even was trying to measure my finger).
Then the next weekend he tells me he had done a lot of thinking during the week and came to the conclusion that he's not ready to handle the emotions of being in a serious relationship. He tells me that he still loves me and wants to be friends, but that's all. I, of course, was (and still am) devastated.
The next day I told him I needed space to absorb everything. He told me he would grant me that space and just let him know when I was ready for contact. We had no contact for a week, and then I decided I had to ask him questions to really try and understand why he broke up with me now that I had some time to digest the horrible news. We got together on Sunday to talk and I told him everything I had been thinking about during the time we didn't talk, how much he hurt me, and what it was that really made him come to his conclusion. I told him the only way I knew how to start accepting it was to understand it. I asked him if he had looked at his future and saw me and decided that I wasn't the one for him.
He said what it boiled down to was that he didn't see me as his future b/c I need more emotion than he can give me (we both know I'm an emotional person), and that he wasn't ready to give that emotion not just to me, but to anyone. He promised that everything we had been through was real. He said that when we would talk about the future and marriage, it was always in abstract terms, and that when he actually started thinking about it in concrete terms, he realized it wasn't what he wanted. (I still don't understand he could think of the future and marriage only in the abstract when there's an actual person in the picture and he's talked about it with me and professed to love me -- especially when always was the one to bring up marriage and the future first. I only started talking about it after he did and I got every indication that that's what he wanted, too.)
Now I'm left with shattered dreams. I really, truly thought that he was my "one." I'm 27 and was ready to settle down and get married (to him) in the next couple of years or so. Now my world's been turn upside down and I don't even know where to begin to look to pick up the pieces.
And on top of all the pain I'm going through, I have to see him this weekend at a wedding. We're both in the wedding party b/c the couple that's getting married is a couple we introduced to each other (she's my good friend, he's his). So I have to put on a happy face as we walk down the aisle together, knowing that this won't be us someday. I don't want to put a damper on our friends' wedding, but it's so hard to be happy right now when they worked out as a couple but we didn't.
I don't even know what kind of advice I'm asking for. I guess I just needed to vent. I'm tired of talking about it to my mom and friends, who know him. Maybe I'm just wondering what an outsider's take would be...

wow, I didn't realize that people got blindsided in almost exactly the same way as me.
Cold feet.
Why do they have to ruin everything? And THEY are the ones that started the circumstances (you with the marriage, me with him wanting me near him).
Gosh, I'm so sorry.
/hugs
Hey chickie,
I feel your pain & I'm sorry you felt like you were blindsided by his decision. (This coming from me, 2+ yrs relationship/living together, he's 29 & I'm 27, he brought up marriage & i'm the best woman for him, rarely argued, and lastly he pushed to buy a bigger home three weeks before he left..... it felt as if the dreams I had of what our relationship could've been came crashing down & I couldn't pick up the pieces fast enough) It's been almost 3 months and although the inital stages were rough, it DOES get better!
Some guys just aren't ready to be in a commited relationship that actualy has potential of going somewhere. Are they scared, have commitment issues, have a change of heart, or deep seeded childhood issues.... who knows? It's like the tootsie pop question & the world may never know. Maybe he wants to see if the grass is greener before he decides you are the "one" for him. Again, there's a lot of questions & frankly he may not even have the answers to them at this point. He could be just as confused & lost about his life as he's making you feel now.
You can start your healing by venting, distraction (enjoying your time spent with friends/family), and allowing some time to pass between you two. Time is a true indicator if things will really work out and if you're both on the same page or will be in your relationship.
You should do your best to put on a smile & enjoy your friends wedding, especially knowing that you played an intricate part on how they met. Their happiness should make you feel good since you helped make their relationship what it is today. I'm sure it'll be hard to see him there but stay strong & smile for your friends & yourself too.
"He said what it boiled down to was that he didn't see me as his future b/c I need more emotion than he can give me (we both know I'm an emotional person), and that he wasn't ready to give that emotion not just to me, but to anyone". That reminds me of someones favorite quote in here.... "if someone tells me that I'm too good for them they're right".
We all are emotional creatures, espeially when we have XX chromosomes, and there's nothing wrong with being emotional. We are passionate & strong in our convcitions of love & life so it sounds like maybe he's not as emotionally intuned with himself as you perhaps....
These upcoming days will be pretty rough so I wish you strength (not to punch him out although you may want to;) )but to sort things out in your own mind and allow the feelings to wash over you as they come. It's ok to hurt & be angry, just get it out and I promise that it'll only get better when you're ready for it too.
Best Wishes
Regina
Hi there... this is almost exactly what happened to me two months ago. I went to visit my loving, doting boyfriend in NY only to hear a very similar thing - that I wasn't the one for him - right after I arrived! Things do get better, but they go in waves... the first three weeks SUCK. Just expect them to suck. Then it might get a little better as you spend more time with friends, try to fill every spare minute you have with social obligations, drown yourself with work, etc... The, I found, I kind of settled back into sadness about the break-up.
RedTulips, can I give you some advice? If there is any way to get out of the wedding, do it. Find a sub for you in the wedding party - the couple will understand. Weddings are emotional enough already. If this guy was talking marriage with you and then was callous enough to break your heart like that, witnessing the happy union of another couple is going to be very, very hard. If you absolutely have to go, try to picture yourself there and seeing him and watching the ceremony ahead of time... it'll hurt to think about, but at least you'll be prepared and it won't catch you off guard. Enlist a good friend who will also be there to never leave your side and who can quietly escort you to the bathroom to cry if you need to. Wear waterproof make-up. Bring tissues. And leave as early as you possibly can without seeming rude. Trust me on this. If your friends know what happened, they'll understand completely. You DON'T want to cause a scene, get drunk in front of him, or just cry the whole night. He's pegged you as too emotional, so you CANNOT prove him right in front of all of your mutual friends! Try to remember that if you can seem cool, calm, and collected, you win.
Save any conversations you want to have with him (and I'm sure there are a gazillion if you're anything like me), ask him during the wedding if the two of you can make a date to talk. Don't try to do it during the wedding or the reception!
Good luck. It will be a difficult day, but you'll have nothing to regret if you play it cool.
Sincerely,
Meg (I WISH I had this kind of advice two months ago! I ruined everything by being an emotional nightmare... he won't even talk to me now)
Meg,
Glad to hear you're doing better now & it sounds like your healing is going well. I think you gave some sound advice although I don't believe not attending the wedding is the answer. I think it takes a lot of guts & love for your friends to attend & share their day of happiness with them, tears or not. She should not allow her break up to rule where she'll go...it's her friends too and i'm sure that they'll want her there considering she helped make their union possible. If the roles were reversed, I'm sure she'd want her closest friends around her too. A break is a break, regardless of how much it sucks & hurts deeply....but we cannot deny ourselves lifes little special moments with those we care about simply because we have temporary moments of unhappiness.
Waterproofing the make up & having a steady girlfriend to stay near are great tips. Most importantly, saving any conversations for another date NOT the wedding/reception, especially when drinking is imperative! She cannot allow his actions to get the best of her emotions since that's when the little green monster will emerge. I know.. been there done that although it was in private after our office cocktail party... ugh!
Good luck!
Meg - How did you ruin everything by being emotional? If that was the case, then he's a
fool. I mean how can a guy not expect our feelings to change like the tides after we've been hurt.. it's only natural. Maybe in time, after you pick up your pieces and he's realized it, he'll think differently.....and maybe by then you won't want to talk to him for letting you down. Good luck to you chickie!
Thanks for your replies. It's nice to know that (however unfortunate) other people have gone through this and are doing OK.
I can't not be at my friend's wedding. She's one of my oldest friends, and I would be a horrible friend to miss it. I'm just going to have to put on a brave face and find a way to get through it. (Though I am going to ask that she not pair us up to walk down the aisle together -- which she's probably already thought of, but just in case.)
I've already enlisted the help of a girl friend to be my "date" to the wedding. I know I'm going to need her support.
And I'm not AT ALL going to imbibe (maybe just for the toast), b/c in my current state, that can only lead to bad things...
Good for you! Trust me, you WILL get through it. Both the wedding and the breakup, I mean. Yeah, definitely don't drink. It'll be tempting to have a few to try to relax and make the situation easier, but it definitely doesn't get easier when you're drunk! And I'm sorry that I recommended you not go to the wedding, I didn't really think about it too much. Of course you have to go - you can't let HIM prevent you from being there for your friend! Just pump yourself up and go into it like it's a personal challenge to be as brave as you can, even if you feel like utter crap inside.
If you can avoid talking to him, all the better. (My friend who was my breakup counselor put it this way - every time you want to call him or write him a letter, don't. He doesn't DESERVE to hear from you or get your letters. Every time you think about contacting him and you don't it's like a big "F.U." to him. Crass advice, but it helped me get through the hardest first weeks.)
Oh, to answer the question about how I became an emotional nightmare - I was devastated and practically losing my mind over how sad and confused and angry I was. We all have a right to feel this way and to express them, but I, uh, took things too far. Like cutting holes in all the t-shirts of his I had and returning them to him like that, showing up at the gig he had a week after our breakup (which was the primary reason for my visit) in a WIG and fake boobs so I could covertly scope the scene in disguise and see if he was with another girl (he was), and finally... calling him drunk every night for a week straight. It was like a bad 80s movie or something... even I would have broken up with me at that point! It was hard for me because I was across the country with ten days to kill before my flight home left. I didn't know anyone and had nobody there to take my cellphone away and keep me busy! But... you live, you learn.