the worst day yet... cant stop crying
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the worst day yet... cant stop crying
| Sat, 06-17-2006 - 7:11pm |
It is 7:00 and I have not left this bed, crying off and on. I feel absolutely, completely alone. Hopeless. My phone has not rung. My friends are away, never invited me, that is a huge part of this, how could they do this to me right now? and I texted him last night to ask if he was there. He never responded. What did I do? I am the outcast, I am the one getting thrown aside when right now I need my friends, I need to have fun, I need to move on and forget. I cannot seem to pull myself out of this bed today. Have nothing to really do anyway. I am ready to go to bed for the night soon anyway. Another hour and I will call it a day. I work 12 hour days, and this is my weekend. I tried calling a few people, one I thought we had plans tonight and now she does not want to do anything. One is busy. So here I am stuck. Most of the others are married. The ones I hang out with are away. My heart is so broken more by them. Not even one call this weekend. I am hurt, I am angry I feel so left out and I wonder why, what is going on. I don't ever want to even talk to them again. I might pick up the phone and then say I gotta go, really busy, then slowly just stop answering. I am done. I am not sure how much more I can take. This is my life. I wake up, watch maybe a half hour of the news, get dressed go to work, don't really talk to many co-workers there, my job does not really allow for a lot of time to mingle around. I leave at maybe 7, come home eat, take a shower, and am in bed by 8 or 8:30 and that is the ritual. I might read a book here and there but that is the way it has been for a long time. Then the weekends come, my chance to have fun, live it up and look at me. I am so alone that I am stuck alone in bed watching tv. Just mindless, disgusted. Have no idea where to even put this hurt, this anger. I am just so sad. I need to go Father's day shopping, but it will have to wait until tomorrow. I just don't care about anything right now. I just want to fall asleep so I don't have to think about this anymore.

I'm so sorry you had such a difficult day. I hope you're sleeping now. I've got a similar problem with friends who are clueless and not really calling me up to find out how I'm doing, so I can relate. I know it may be hard to believe now, but these awful feelings will pass and you will feel better again and have fun someday. Just stay away from him and don't contact him. You will heal faster that way.
Have you considered seeing a therapist? That can be very effective when you feel like you're all alone in the world ... I find it very helpful.