The Worst Kind of Hope

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2005
The Worst Kind of Hope
2
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 9:10am

Hello everyone, the title is self-explanatory I guess.

My boyfriend of 2 months broke up with me last night (less than 12 hrs ago). I realize that's not much time together, but this relationship is significant for me because it was the first in which I met someone who really could have been "the one." (I am 25, he's 29). We met online and initially discussed our mutual goals for a long-term relationship and eventually marriage--so I thought, "great, finally a guy I can be honest with and won't freak out if I want to be with him long term." I was hopeful for the first time and spent a lot of time working through fear and past hurts etc. to realize that I loved him and was willing to "go for it." Our relationship was quite intense--he introduced me to his mother in the first three weeks. I have begun to feel recently that he does love me and was elated when he nearly said so last weekend. He just "officially" met my friends for the first time on Friday night (1/21). So I thought we were moving forward.

However, last night after having been emotionally distant for several days, he said that he's not sure he loves me because "love is scary." I told him that I was afraid of love also, but that I chose to work through that--for him. He said he needs time to decide whether I am the person with whom he decides to work through that fear--because I think that if you're afraid to love someone, you'll have that fear no matter who it is you are with.

So we are not broken up officially--he needs "time"... but any time now I'm expecting a call where I will have to face him and hear him tell me that I'll never be the one he loves. It hurts because I know in my heart (and it is obvious through behavior, actions, etc.) that he actually loves me, but won't admit it to himself. And it hurts knowing nothing I say or do can make him do that. And of course, it hurts knowing that whatever he feels for me just may not be enough for him.

The whole "time" thing has given me a little hope that I'm holding on to, and I know that some guys do decide to turn things around and that he may want to get back together, but in either case, what we had already is over... it's either over completely or we'll have to start over but what we had these past two months is finished. I'm having trouble accepting that.

I take consolation right now in two things: (a) I know he loves me and (b) I did a good thing in bringing up the emotional distance to him; if I hadn't said anything last night to start this conversation, we could have continued on indefinitely in a virtual relationship, as uncertain as it would have been. So at least I made the right decision in facing whatever it was I needed to face.

Is there anyone who has been in this situation? How valid is the "I fear love" defense? I feel uncertain, but terribly hopeful and also very worried and sad. Some of the many feelings that accompany this type of thing, I guess. Any advice or encouragement is appreciated.

Thanks for listening to my story :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 9:54am

You said:

"I know in my heart (and it is obvious through behavior, actions, etc.) that he actually loves me, but won't admit it to himself. "

I don't understand this. In your message you mentioned that he told you he wasn't sure whether or not he loves you. It is quite dangerous and naive not to pay attention to what he really said. Many men find love scary because they know it means committment, it means responsabilities that maybe they are still not prepared to take.
I think you should take things slowly, you have created so many expectations that it will be hard for you if he does not want to go on with this relationship.
Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2005
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 10:26am

You're right. I wanted to believe that he did love me but wasn't ready to admit it to himself. If that were true, though, I would not have needed to confront him with the fact that he's been so distant lately. If he did truly love me and is just afraid, it would be worth it to him to continue regardless of how scary it is. Obviously that's not the case.

And the truth is, it doesn't matter if he loves me and can't admit it, or if he loves me in some other form... do I really want to be with someone who can't admit to how they feel, or isn't sure what they're feeling and can't deal with intense feelings? No. And there's my answer.

Thanks for your reply.