The worst month of my life.
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| Sat, 09-15-2007 - 5:50pm |
Hi everyone, this will probably be long but I need to let it out so please bear with me...
A month ago, my boyfriend of nearly two years broke up with me the night before he left for college five hours away. It came as a complete shock to me because we'd discussed his departure at length before and it seemed like we had come to the conclusion that we would try to make it work as a less intense relationship with fewer phone calls, spending weeks at a time apart, etc.
On the night of the breakup, he told me he needed space for a month or so to adjust to his new life. While I respected his decision, I basically broke down because it was so out of the blue...he told me this without previously giving me any time to adjust to the possibility. When I finally calmed down, I asked him what he meant by "space." He told me he didn't know what he meant, but that saying "I love you" and talking was still ok. Though still very upset, I was somewhat reassured by this.
For two weeks, I'll admit I was kind of in denial. Though I didn't call him, I frequently IMed him and continuously asked him to tell me what he meant by space because I didn't want to violate his request. Ironically, his refusal to define any guidelines for the state of our relationship are probably what did us in, but I was still clinging to the hope that he would come around and want to be with me again
Over Labor Day weekend, he called me and told me he'd thought about our relationship and didn't think it could work. He told me he felt pressured into making promises he couldn't keep and that I wasn't giving him the space he needed. I stayed on the phone with him for two hours, going through every range of emotion- sadness, anger, guilt, hysterics, hope, anxiety, regret. He remained steadfast in his decision despite my pleading. We hung up the phone and I immediately regretted the things I'd said; I realized that this kind of behavior was exactly what he'd been talking about. Instead, I wrote him a ten-page letter apologizing for my hysterical outburst on the phone, explaining more clearly what I felt, and telling him that I respected his decision. I merely asked that he think about what I'd said about our relationship and realize that no matter what, I would never regret being with him.
Now, two weeks later, I thought I'd be better. In reality, I'm a hundred times worse. I haven't really talked to him much (though I know many posters on this board will chastise me for talking to him at all, I know I need to or I will quite possibly resort to extremely dangerous measures for myself). He's IMed me a few times and we've chatted, but he's never really asked how I am. He said he got my letter but didn't elaborate on what he felt. Every day that goes by is excruciating because it's one more day that he doesn't love me.
OF COURSE I've tried distracting myself. I go out with friends, spend hours studying, take long walks with my dad. I've thrown every fiber of my being into trying to get over him. In retrospect, I regret not giving him the space he asked for. I know I should have, and I wish I could go back in time. But it just keeps getting worse.
My parents are talking about separating. My cat is being put to sleep this week. I'm afraid I won't get into the Ivy League college I want to go to. My period is two weeks late, probably from stress (It's not unusual for me), but it's still worrying me. My best friend just betrayed me by telling a fair amount of people that I'd been sleeping with this boyfriend, and another close friend has been spreading lies about me following a stupid spat we had over college applications, turning all my other friends against me. And- BONUS!- I was just diagnosed with an extremely painful (though benign, thankfully) tumor in the artery of my leg.
I feel like everything around me is crashing down. It scares me that I'm having suicidal thoughts for the first time since middle school, when I was mildly depressed. I'm nowhere near that point, thank God, but just the fact that I'm reminded of doing it scares me to death. I'm having insomnia and I just feel like I'm falling apart.
I know I need to talk to someone- a counselor, or therapist. I just want someone to talk to. My friends, my parents, my boyfriend have all betrayed me and I've never felt so alone. I know it's not good, but I just want him to call me and talk to me about how I am. He doesn't even have to say he wants to get back together, just knowing that he still cares about me and loves me in some way would be enough. More than anything I want to visit him this upcoming weekend, escape the stress of my life for a few days and be with a person that makes me happy. I need someone to talk to and there's no one else to fill that void.
If anyone has read this, I'm amazed and thankful. I would love any kind of reassurance or advice, but mostly I just needed to let this all out. I know I've made mistakes in dealing with this, but I just want to be happy. If I just knew he cared, it would mean so much to me. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
beg88

First of all I am so sorry all that happened to you in only a month. The most important thing right now is your health. Taking your life is just not worth any guy, believe me. I'm sorry that your parents and your friends are not there for you when you need them. You have to have a very strong support system to go through all this.
As far as you (ex)boyfriend goes...Yes, you should have given him the break he asked for but do not blame yourself for not being strong. I made the same mistake except I was the one who suggested the break. After just two days(!) I was the one who wanted to run back to him desperately. Every time we talked it got worse and worse. I wanted to hear that he misses me, that he loves me, that he wants to see me. And I just pressure him to say it because that's what I wanted to hear. Then i realized that it is a big mistake. So now I stopped calling him completely and move on with my life. I know it sounds cliche but it is going to better with every day that passes. I know that you just want to hear him saying that he loves you and cares about you but those are just words. you are doing the right thing when you try to focus on other things. I've learned that everything happens for a reason. Maybe the reason for this breakup was you getting out of it stronger. You are going to make it. And remember, you did the right thing so it is not your fault, neither his. It's just life...
If you feel that you need someone to talk to you definitely should. I wish you the best.
Welcome to the board beg88,
Hugs for your difficult month.
First of all BIG HUGS TO YOU..
First thing I want to suggest is see a counsellor immediately. If possible this week itself. I used to deny this fact that counselling can help.. But it was huge help.. when I thought I lost someone I loved for several years.. Talk to your parents about how urgently you seed to see a therapist.. PLEASE PLEASE do this for your own sake.
Now, as far as your BF or ex BF, He needs time and trust me you need time too. Being in long distance relationship is very difficult. Probably that is why he wants a break to figure things out. Meanwhile, you should be trying to go to that IVY league college you wanted. You have a whole world waiting for you. This BF is not the end of this world. He is exploring his life, you should do the same.. Trust be , being happy and successful is the best revenge. Now you need to talk to a therapist and you will get enough strength to go through this. It helped me a lot.. I cant tell you how much.
Your BF may come back or not.. this is not the most important thing. Your health and your future is. Later he may regret what he did. It is his loss..not yours. Be happy and please see a therapist. Good luck.
That's so hard... I'm so sorry you went through all of that.