This is the worst pain ever

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2004
This is the worst pain ever
14
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 7:52pm
I have been lurking on this board for sometime now. I haven't wanted to post because it's just so painful to face the fact that my relationship is over. Without going into too much painful detail, I broke up with my X 2 months ago ater I found some court papers where he outlined a relationship he had with a girl who is now suing him for sexual harrassment (the 3rd time he's been accussed in the year and a half I have known him). We broke up quite a bit and usually got back together and I thought this time would be no exception. But it wasn't. In fact, the very next day, he got a new girlfriend. I am very upset right now because he is with her right now. I text messaged him telling him I have fixed his computer and can I drop it off. He said, "No, and you know why". I said, "Because she is with you." And he said, "YES". I just replied, "Ok, sorry." I am absolutely devestated. I was fine after our breakup, until he told me he was seeing someone else. He told me last Tuesday night that they were starting to fall in love, but that night I convinced him to come over and we had great sex. I am so confused. I know he is just using me, and the fact that he'd have sex with me when he has a gf shows me what kind of person he is.

I feel so alone right now. I used to spend every weekend with him. We'd take trips, see movies, go out to eat....you know. You have all been there. And now, he is living it up with someone new and I am sitting here crying my eyes out. I hate weekends now because I know he is with her every weekend. I can't leave my house out of fear I will run into them. I feel like I am dying on the inside. I have no friends. Please someone help me feel less loney and pathetic.

Chris

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 10:25pm
Sounds like you have a major player on your hands. I wonder what the girlfriend would think of your Tuesday tryst? You really need to show your ex that life goes on without him. And how you show him is to cut him out of your life - no contact. If you let him, sounds like he will take advantage of your soft spot for him and use you for whatever you'll give him. Think about it, even if he came back to you and told you he "loved" you, if I were you, I really wouldn't want his kind of "love". Love is committing to someone, and he sure isn't committing to the new girlfriend by hooking up with you for sex. Not to mention the sexual harrassment thing, which tells a lot about his character. This guy has a major "L" on his forehead.

I know that your feelings are still there, no matter what he does. But really, take it day by day, pamper yourself, go buy yourself a new outfit, and hold you head up high. You deserve respect - which you are not going to get from this clown.


Edited 8/28/2004 10:29 pm ET ET by schnoodle24

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2004
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 10:33pm
Oh, did I mention he gave me herpes? Please ,ladies, help me stay strong!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 10:55pm
I know how tough it can be..i just recently broke up with my bf of 3 yrs. It hurts like hell. But from what you said about him, it sound like in the long term (although it won't seem like it right now), you'll be much better off without him. Yes you are right, the fact that he is willing to come back and have sex with you, then go back to this new girl, shows what kind of person he is. It is easy to remember the good times, but i think it's more important at this point, to remember WHY you chose to leave him in the first place, and why it didnt work. It will hurt for a while, all losses do. But just know that you will be better wihtout him; and although u are hurting like hell now, u will get through this eventually. and, even better..now you are open for new relationship (when u feel ready of course). now u can meet new ppl, and perhaps eventually find someone who is caring, who you love, and loves you back the way u deserve to be loved. good luck ok?..take care
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 10:59pm
Wow - an even stronger reinforcement of his loser status. Does he know? Did you tell him? I'm no doctor, but is that something the new girlfriend will get now, too? I'm thinking I would be tempted to warn her - really. This is a bad deal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 2:51am
im so sorry about what happened to you, but i couldnt help but remember my ordeal. its exactly the same, and only we didnt sleep together after he found a new gf. its so hard to accept that they are together and doing things that u were doing. it hurts so much when u picture the 2 of them hugging and kissing. but be strong. it will not be easy. it will take a while. go to the gym for it sure helped a lot. go to the gym as much as possible keep yourself busy. you know it helps a tiny bit when ur working out and u see people checking u out or making little conversations with u. im not saying flirt. your still healing. its always nice to have a lil crush. it wont help much but u look forward to something. im not completely over my ex. i still think about him and still cry sometimes. but u have to learn to let go, maybe not rite away, but try to do it little by little. and u will see. the pain that u are feeling right now, in 2 months will not be as much. hang in there and keep on posting. live each day one day at a time =)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 12:25pm
Peep,

My heart really went out to you when I read your post. I could have wrote it myself but you have got to realize that you were in an abusive relationship. He may not have ever hit you but there are other ways to abuse someone without ever laying a finger on them. Think of this if you stayed with him you would not trust him ever, he would lie to you constantly and I dont mean little lies we are talking huge lies, you would be miserable, what if you had kids with him would you really want this man to help raise your children. These are things you have to consider. Yes its painful, yes it sucks more than anything trust me I know. It is so hard when you have had your self esteem erased to nil to let the source of the abuse go. Especially when they move on to the next victim and believe me she will be a victim. Do not think he will be different with her and if you had just been different in some way he would be treating you as well as he is treating her because there will come a time when she will no longer serve his purpose either and she will be getting the same abuse. Dont wish that upon her though keep in mind she really is innocent in this as she sees him for the charming soul he is portraying. He is an actor in a script that he has played out many times. He is not capable of feeling emotion like we are. He is empty. Please know that you are not losing anything other than a dream of what he offered to you in the beginning when he was wooing you.

Now as for the Herpes issue. That is so callous and a true testimony to his character that he would have put you in harms way to catch a STD. Have you been tested for others? Im not trying to scare you but true narcissitic personality types have no fear of things like disease and what they do to others because they do not feel. Please have yourself checked for others and then do not ever and I mean ever have sex with him again. If he slept with you while he is with this new GF he is probably sleeping with others. Sex is just sex to these guys it holds no sentiment or sense of committment. I am not trying to lessen what you had with him but believe me when I tell you he is not capable of the kind of love and committment you are wanting. You will find it someday but you have to let this low life go before you can. In the meantime only work on you. No one else. Do not look for someone new, you dont need that. You need to find you. It helps me to post here and to read. I read a lot. I study people a lot and I am finding myself. You need to do these things too. Do not call him. Do not take his calls and I really believe he will call you just as soon as he figures out you are no longer under his spell. Do not waiver on this YOU DO NOT NEED HIM.

Be strong and be gentle on yourself you are a victim. You will survive and be so much happier for it.

Hugs

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2004
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 1:35pm
Dear Amy,

Are you on the Love Addict board? It's like we all had the same ex-boyfriends, I appreciate your post. I'm going crazy knowing the new girl is getting all the perks I got in the beginning of the 3 year relationship. I keep trying to remember how long the honeymoon period was before he let me have it for the 1st time. Yes they do repeat the pattern. The girlfriend before me lasted 18 months and she actually called me and warned me and I believe him when he said she was jealous. The girl before her had a restraining order out on him and when I had to go to court with him (community service was his punishment along with 3 days jail time) he said I only put my hand over her mouth because she wouldn't stop yelling at me and I BELIEVED HIM. These losers are actors they know the routine to lock you in. I feel sick to my stomach sometimes yet crave his A**hole.

Yes my EGO in major in the way that's why meetings are so important. I have a hard time focusing on myself.

WE DESERVE BETTER!!! I'm so glad you said he will repeat the action with the new girl because I sometimes too think maybe it's me. I'm reading "Why does he do that" very helpful, mine was the sensitive abuser.

Peep NO CONTACT has helped me so much and keep posting.

Helene

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 5:41pm
I told him he gave it to me. And of course what did he say? That I had it first and gave it to him! I was tested for everything last september and was clean (I get checked every year and have always ben clean). Then in Novemeber, I came down with it. I wish I could warn his new girl, but I ahve no way of doing that. I have begged him to tell her. He says he doesn't have it, never had an outbreak and has a strong immune system. I have seen a sore on him. He is so full of it. So he will give it to her, unfortunately. I feel just awful, but what can I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 5:43pm
Thank you. I run everyday and it really helps. I run hard and fast and wear myself out. It's so hard to not contact him because I am a consultant for his company. I think I will quit though. And when I email him, he emails right back - even if I email him something nasty! It's like he feeds off my misery. I have already emailed him several times today. I have so much support, but it just isn't enough. I feel out of control!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 5:53pm
Thank you so much for your inspirational post! I have been tested for other STD (HIV included) but then I went and had sex with him. I am such an idiot! I am going to try to be strong. I agree 100% with everything you said! Why can't I just get over him? I know he is a dirtbag, so why am I upset over him? I knew he was bad news, I got rid of him, and then he gets a new GF and I freak out. I didn't and don't want to be with him. This is so confusing, so tiring. I am so sick of feeling sad, I am sick of crying, sick of having to take sleeping pills to fall alseep. It is affecting every aspect of my life while his life hums along. I really wish he would suffer just a little bit!

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