would be so grateful for advice
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 02-17-2007 - 5:36pm |
Hello, everyone. I'm sitting at home missing my ex and I'd just be so grateful if someone out there could help me to do the right thing because I don't think I've ever managed to before.
I met my boyfriend when we were both working abroad. We are from different countries. We were 24 and 26 and both ridiculously inexperienced about relationships. I moved to his country to be with him when we'd been together for just 6 months - we both knew it was a bit early, but we were head over heels in love and impatient. We both assumed I'd quickly find a job and so on. But things didnt go as well as we'd hoped. I don't speak the language, I didnt manage to get a job, we never had any money, I had no friends of my own, and we lived in a tiny flat with no separate space. I had to make regular trips home to do bits and pieces of freelance work, which meant that things never felt settled.
Ironically one of the reasons he fell in love with me was because he saw me as strong, confident and independent. But I became this shadow of my former self, totally dependent on him. He also became more and more dependent on me, to the point that a couple of months ago we both cried because as he put it "I dont know where I end and you begin". But still I didnt realise how panicky he was feeling and how responsible and guilty he felt about my unhappiness. We fought a lot but we also had some really lovely times together, we were still in love. Overall it felt like a really strong, loving relationship and I was really proud of it.
Then in December I had to go home again to do some freelance work, and things went really weird. He wasnt able to sleep properly while I was away and eventually had to go to the doctor and get sleeping pills. I remember one phone conversation during that time where he cried and said he couldnt live without me and he was frightened. Being a woman, I was all like "ooh how adorable" but actually I think he really freaked himself out.
A couple of weeks later he came over to stay with my family for Christmas. While he was here, he tried to break up with me but I persuaded him not to. He kept thanking me for not letting him break up with me! We went home, and 4 days later we broke up again. He left me alone in the apartment and went to stay with his mum. I was a mess, crying, not eating, not sleeping. He came back 24 hours later and said he'd changed his mind, he loved me, he wanted it to work, but he needed some space. I could see his point - we both were in dire need of space.
So I flew home. But I couldnt stop calling and emailing him, giving ultimatums, making elaborate demands. He kept freaking out and asking me to please just give him some time, but I couldnt. I dont know what was wrong with me, I was just so frightened he was going to leave me. When I got a job interview in his country, I jumped at the chance to visit. When I told him I was coming, he was really pleased and told me how much he'd missed me. He sent lots of loving text messages.
Anyway to cut a long story short I never got to the job interview - we ended up breaking up 2 days before, after I pushed and pushed him to tell me what was happening between us. He said something along the lines of "I love you but Im not in love with you any more" and "I just cant stand feeling responsible for you all the time". I was exhausted, I didnt even have the energy to beg. And I really felt like this time I shouldnt, I should let him assert himself for once.
We had the loveliest last day together. We walked around the city in the snow, he kept hugging and kissing me, he told me I was perfect and amazing and the best thing that had ever happened to him. We both cried a lot. At one point I pretty much had to persuade him that we should go ahead with the break up. He texted me a few hours after I got back to my home country, telling me he wanted to call me all the time but thought we shouldnt be in touch for a while, that I was the most important person in his life, and "I want you to know that I love you so much. Still I think this is the right thing to do. I want all the good things in the world to happen to you. Your L."
Anyway I know this is an insanely long post but the point is, all this happened just a few days ago and I'm home and I miss him and love him. I want to work things out. I'm just putting this out there and it would just be so lovely if someone could honestly tell me what they think. What should I do? I'm so sad. At the moment I'm just doing my best not to contact him and so far have not been in touch since I got back. Is this the right thing to do? What else can I do to make things better?

Hi eskimomo and welcome to the board.
Hi Eskimo,
I'm pretty much a hopeless romantic so my advice will be more of the take a chance. You two seem to really care deeply for each other from what you said. If that's the case and the only thing that's holding both of you back is YOUR independance, then.. i would agree with CL.. get your personal life in order so he doesn't feel suffocated and you feel like you're contributing which will take off the burden for you both.
So I say go for it. If it is true love it's totally worth the problems you are having right now.. which seem more money related then relationship induced.
Good luck! :)
I'm going to somewhat disagree but only to a certain extent with new2datingagain, because I don't think that right now is the time to be taking a chance on him or on the relationship as it stands or as it stood.
Thanks Sandra, that does sound really sensible. I think if we got back together right now, nothing would be different and we'd break up again within a few weeks for the exact same reasons. I'm really trying not to call at the moment and have successfully not been in touch for a week. But how long does this have to go on for? Can I contact him when I have something concrete to say, like "I have a job", or should I just wait for him to get in touch with me? There is literally no chance of us bumping into each other by chance, as we live in different countries now.
I know that in practice I have to just get on with things, and I'm looking for jobs and planning to move in with friends. Ironically the two friends I'm hopefully getting a place with are both people who my ex dislikes! I am worried that moving in with them might send the wrong message, but at the same time I suppose it's important that I assert myself as a separate person. What do people think about this?
Generally I suppose I just want to know if there's anything I can do, besides not getting in touch and giving him some real space, that will actually help our chances of getting back together or at least stop us from ruining things even more. Any suggestions? Or should I just carry on like this, not contacting him?
I feel like such an idiot asking for advice on the internet, but I can be a bit more honest on here... Anyway, we're all in this together, right?