Would really appreciate your thoughts!!!
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| Sat, 11-27-2004 - 7:11pm |
Hi Everyone,
I broke up with my bf about 24 hours ago, and I'm so glad to find this board on ivillage - it helps so much to know that so many of you are experiencing the same thing.
Basically, what happened is that my BF and I met a year ago and were friends. Over the last 7 months things progressed to the point where we were dating and in a relationship. We live about 250 miles apart so it was always a long distance relationship. Things went wonderfully, and were so perfect - we had so much in common we might as well have been the same person. We would always say and think the same things at the same time. We talked about a future together - he is 22, I am 28 and planned to buy a house together in two/three years time. He initiated all of these future talks and plans - I never put ideas into his head in any way.
So now, he has been accepted to nursing college for the next three years (he starts in Feb). It's a pretty hectic course and he will only have 2 weeks off per year and he cannot pick and choose when to go on vacation. He booked a holiday with his best friend for next year but has had to cancel it cos he cant get the time off. Unfortunately, this also means he doesn't think he will have the time to visit me, either - or even devote the attention required for a long distance relationship. He says that being in a long distance relationship is hard for him because he loves me and gets depressed that he can't see me everyday. So basically, he's said he wants us to remain friends for now and then in 3 years when he's finished his course we can see how we feel, and maybe get buy a house together. I don't see why he can't put the effort in to have a long distance relationship now. I think it's all just excuses basically. I've tried to reach a compromise with him, on ways we can make this work, but he keeps turning them down and saying it won't work for us to have that kind of relationship right now.
I asked him how he felt about us seriously getting together in the future and making a life together as a couple - he said he still feels that way, that he likes to think he would end up with me, and that he is sure about how he feels, but that he cannot write it out in blood. He says he can't live without me, and this past year he's spent with me has been the best year of his life. So I am utterly dumbfounded as to why on earth he wants to end that and throw that kind of happiness away! I just don't get it. I mean I was sure about how I felt about him too - we got on so fantastically that I was sure he was "The One". It's so hard to accept that this might not be the case. I still kinda think that down the line he will realise he's made a mistake and want to get back together with me. But I know it's not healthy to think like that. I fully intend to move on and date other men - there are already a few guys I am interested in getting to know better, so maybe that will help. Three years is such a long time to wait for someone - it's absurd for him to expect me to wait that long. I'll be 31 by then! He said he thinks I should go ahead and date other people and just see where we are in three year's time.
What do you all think about this? Do you think there is seriously any hope for the future? Or should I just put all thoughts and hopes of getting back together out of my mind? I have agreed to stay friends with him, cos we do get on great and I would miss him otherwise. I did origionally say I wanted No Contact ever, but I cracked and couldn't do it. We have been sending text messages to each other all this evening.
I'd appreciate any thoughts and opinions on the matter. I'm just so flabberghasted as to why he all of a sudden decided all this, when we had something perfect going.
~Cherise

Things might not be as perfect as you thought as you see that he could let go easily of this relationship, and is not willing to put the effort into the relationship, as you would. Personally, this would show me a lot. Don't settle for less.
Yes, it would be darn hard to see if this could work during his schooling
(and how much of a distance would you be apart? could you handle not spending much time with him, and knowing that his program/career needs to come first, and you will have to go on the back burner frequently because of his responsibilities)...
BUT the fact that he wont even give it a try might be a good indication that he is not on the same page as you. Your priorities are different then his at this point in time, and that wont change anytime soon. It appears that you are ready and willing to put the time into a relationship, and that is not even his main concern right now, understandably in some ways, as I myself in the past have been in a difficult program geared toward my career.
However, since you are doing the distance already, I don't see why he doesn't even CONSIDER the option, rather than voicing it off so quickly -- it sounds like he has thought through all of this (I am not saying him doing it, but, at least listen to your compromises and talk it out).... He has strong doubts... and strong visions of what he thinks should happen.... and maybe he is being realistic in what he can handle, etc, but there is no way you should wait around for him for 3 years!
I think you should listen to your instincts and believe him when you said,
"I think it's all just excuses basically. I've tried to reach a compromise with him, on ways we can make this work, but he keeps turning them down and saying it won't work for us to have that kind of relationship right now."
Maybe there is more than meets the eye -- perhaps he had doubts previously, before the nursing acceptance, but didn't voice it, and this was somewhat of a way out to explore whatever it is he needs to do?
Perhaps he will just feel tied down and doesn;t want the responsibility of another's feelings while going through this program, and the distance could be rough. Per his suggestion of dating (which means that is giving huge leeway there for you to be lost from his life forever), maybe dating is something he needs to do before be could strongly consider buying that house with you, once he is more settled in career, more sure in his life?
We could analyze all day, but I do feel that there is hope for you in the future, if that bond you had was very special to both of you.... One that can be remembered... and if you two were meant to have something significant in the future, this would happen because you both want it to happen.... and maybe by that time you will have met someone, and maybe he will change from his experiences and will get to see that he isn't the guy you thought he was..
who knows, but I think you should take time for yourself, heal, and move forward with things that are in your control... It sounds like you have so much to offer in a relationship... and you deserve all that you are willing to give...
I know you probably won't follow through with this, but trust me, no contact is soo important.... How could he possibly experience what life is REALLY like with you still in his life? And how can you possibly move on still being his friend, yet still yearning for that relationship with him with unresolved feelings.. and hurting and feeling disappointed when it doesn't happen, or if he meets someone that is in his program??? Been there done that, and I think that is much more painful than having no contact, for at least for 2 months.
And just in case, trust me, he might run back to you, saying he made mistakes etc, but before you get back with him, be sure that he is willing to do what it takes to m ake a relationship work... and that it's not just because he misses you and feels lonely from this new program/place and you his familar/secure "blanket".. make sure it's for the right reasons, that he truly sees he made a big mistake and doesn't want to lose you to another man, that he thinks you are compatible and right for him, and that he is able to explainn what has changed his thinking and why did he hit both extremes... because wanting what you want suddenly, could be possible, but his first instincts showed you other and that shouldn't be forgotten by you so easily...
Good luck!
~~SD~~