would like some opinions please
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| Sat, 04-16-2005 - 6:05pm |
Hello,
I broke up with my boyfriend a month ago. I still miss him a lot, but I don't know if I've ever loved him. I would really like to hear some opinions from members of this board.
Brian was hit by a car in 1998. When he woke up from his month-long coma, he couldn't walk. His memory, analytical skills, information processing power, math skills, concentration, and other stuff were all affected. He had an Acquired Brain Injury. I met Brian in June 2002, he was able to walk with a cane and walker by then. In Nov 2002 we became "sex buddies". We were a lot like bf/gf, did everything together and stuff. He told me he cared a lot about me and I was much more than a friend to him, but he wasn't ready for a relationship back then because he was "too hurt from the past", especially when his girlfriend dumped him not long after his accident. Since Dec 2002, we've had constant arguments, mainly because he can't control his temper. In August 2003, while we were still sex buddies, he took a month-long trip to visit his family. While in another country, he french kiss some girl at a bar and went back to her place and "shared a bed" with her because he didn't want to fall down sleeping on the couch (due to his physical challenges). The girl french kissed him on the bed. He said he didn't have sex or oral sex with her. (I don't believe that)
When he came back in Sept 2003, he told me all about his and I was very hurt, but I thought I would let this one go because during the month without him, I was so depressed and I missed him so much. Plus, the girl was all the way in London England anyways, and we are in Canada. So I let that one go but this incident will never fade in my mind.
We actually became boyfriend girlfriend in Sept 2003, after he came back from his trip. Since then he seemed to be very "loyal" to me, didn't go out with any girls because we were always together and he didn't have time anyways (he's very slow doing things because of his accident). He did always email girls though, and some of these girls never even know about my existence, never knew he had a girlfriend.
Arguments became worst and almost everyday, and he had a habit of swearing and screaming his longues out to yell at me. I felt like I was a maid to him to help him do laundry, iron, cook, grocery, changing bedsheets, clearing up his desk, you name it. He could do all those things himself but he's extremely slow doing them, and thus I wanted to save him time so he can contrentrate on his studyings.
I started to visualize myself being married to him, because he always talked about us getting married someday. I started to feel stressed about my future, that I'll have to take care of everybody and everything. He can't even change a lightbulb or slice a tomato. When he gets older he will not have the strength to walk and will have to resort back to his electric wheelchair. He might lose his future job because he is way too slow. Then at the same time he loves swearing and yelling at me.
When I think of all these, I really can't visualize a future with him. I can only visualize myself going insane. I told him I loved him whenever he told me he loved me. It took him forever before he said "I love you" for the first time, but since then, he's been telling me very often, and he said "if God gave me this accident just to meet you, then the accident is very worth it".
Anyways, because of his "cheating-like" behavior all the time, emailing girls while making me non-existent to some of these girls, I've developed a habit of reading his emails. I can't stand his emailings anymore, to girls who he had the hots for. I broke up with him. I don't want to live like a maid while being yelled at and hurt by his emails to girls. After I broke up with him, I was still checking his email account. Turns out that a week after I broke up with him, he had asked some girl to stay over at his place for Easter weekend, but the girl said she was busy and couldn't go.
Now my question is, if you were in my situation, would you go back to him? I miss him so much, I think I really just miss the cuddling and kissing (not the sex though). But I don't know why I want to go back to him because it was sort of like living in hell, but once in a while it was living in heaven. I don't think I've ever loved him, because if I did love him, then I wouldn't have doubt my future with him. Does it sound like I didn't love him? I want to go back to him but I also don't want to go back. I'm so confused. Please help.
Cindy

Cindy...
Would you care for a thought or two from Pianoguy?
You've really answered your own question with the words: it was sort of like living in hell!