would like support?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
would like support?
5
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 3:18pm

Hi,

How are you guys? I'm posting to get support as I heal from a breakup w/ my bf of one year. This happened 2 weeks ago. I tried posting on "mending broken hearts" board, but it is not very active, and I didn't get much feedback.

Here's my story: my ex and I met thru a personal ad that I placed in March 04. We "fell madly in love" almost immediately despite huge differences btwn us. We didn't even "notice" or think of these differences, just our passion for each other. He's 49, a Harley guy, rough looking, in the trades, very little education, likes biker events, and turns out to be an alcoholic (and smoker), and has an 11 yr old daughter. I am 42, college educated, very attractive, somewhat "arty," intelligent, like the "uptown" scene, Starbucks coffee, travel, have no kids and wanted no kids. Well I fell for this guy head over heels, b/c he was the 1st in a long time to promise commitment. We were engaged w/in 3 mos of meeting. He asked me right away to take 2 trips w/ him - one to Sturgis, which turned out to be a nightmare. I hated every second of it. And two, to Holland (country of his origin) to meet his family. This would have been wonderful, except I got very sick, six months into the relationship, w/ 2 problems that drs could not diagnose for a very long time. My ex supported me somewhat, but by end of November he had broken our engagement, and he was actually quite mean to me in December and January, when I was recovering from a diskectomy (the source of one of my problems turned out to be a compressed spinal cord). Then just recently, just b4 the break, he was acting super-nice again. I started seeing how different we were. We could not seem to do anything together that we both enjoyed. It seemed everything I was attracted to and enjoyed in life, he hated, and vice versa. Also and finally, I hated his daughter. Just couldn't stand her. He was trying to get me more involved w/ her, and i TRIED, but I just can't stand the kid. So b/c of all this, he finally said, that's it, we just need to end it. He did say stuff about "maybe" we would come together again "if it was meant to be" (B.S.). But I called him last wkend, and asked what he was thinking. He said he still "didn't know." So i told him, well that says "no" to me, and he said "okay." So that's the end of it.

Thx for reading this long background. Anyway, right now, just looking for support, as I try and accept this end. The real hook between us was the sex/love thing we had going. He told me he had never loved a woman b4 me, and had never had the connection, thru making love, that we had. It was so amazing, that's what's hard - the memories. And the fact that we started out w/ such strong love. And thought we'd be spending our lives together. And now for it to just - END. To come to nothing. The fear of not finding someone else. The despair at losing him. I loved the way he talked babytalk to me, touched me, held me, knew my face and my moods. It is hard.

Fortunately, I'm on Lexapro, and I'm having very good results w/ this. Other antidepressants have made me gain weight, but this one doesn't, and I am able to function at work. I'm just trying to be philosophical about this, and understand that it was so wrong. I know we both mutually knew it was wrong, he was just stronger, since he had his kid to think about, and being a man -- oh, and the big thing - him being an alcoholic. I just ignored his drinking for a long time, but later realized every single person he introduced me to was a bad alcoholic and/or drug user (he doesn't use drugs). And the bikers were all alkies. (I am a very light drinker.) So eventually he realized I could not and would not socialize w/ his alkie friends.

It's for the best, I guess.

thx for reading. just wanted somewhere to post for those times when I "freak out" over this.

love
scorp

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 7:27pm

Hey scorp, I just wanted to send hugs and support your way. It sounds like your head recognizes that this wasn't a match, but it's going to take some time for your heart to catch up.

Have you ever read "Women Who Love Too Much", btw? I think you might find it helpful, I know I did. For those of us who have certain issues (and I've grappled with them as well and continue to do so, although I've made a lot of progress, I think), passion is almost always stronger with someone who we deep down know isn't a match. There's something about them being fundamentally unavailable and/or not a match that drives it...and men who ARE good matches and available tend to bore and/or scare us.

Sheri

Avatar for marichiko
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 9:51pm

Well, Scorp, admit it, you know you are SO much better off without this guy!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2000
Sat, 04-16-2005 - 1:51pm

Scorp2001 I so feel your pain! I feel like we are experiencing exactly the same thing. I was living with my BF for about 1-1/2 years. We were so different. He was a laborer with 3 kids from a previous marriage. He is an alcoholic and a compulsive gambler. We had no interests in common. None. We did have passion. That was about it. I broke it off about 9 months ago because I just wasn't happy. I also did not like his kids. (I don't have any) His son was disrespectful and his older daughter was lazy and unmotivated to work. My ex was paying all her bills and I just couldn't stand to sit around and watch. He also had a lot of issues with his ex-wife. He was still full of rage for her divorcing him. Needless to say, I was in way over my head. My friends were hoping that I would get rid of him and move on. He called a few times after the breakup to tell me he was lonely and depressed, but I stood my ground. Then something happeded and I started to miss him so I started calling him. We would get together occassionly for dinner and sex, but it never seems to go anywhere. Part of me was thinking, "How could he not want to be with me when he said I was the best thing he ever had?" We recently got together again and he said that he wanted a relationship. We planned to have dinner at my house last Wednesday but I didn't hear from him so I called. He said he couldn't make dinner because of an appointment that had been changed and that he would take a rain check. That didn't set well with me so I asked if he just wanted to forget the whole thing and he said "I don't know." I don't know about you but when a man says "I don't know" it's usually not a good thing. He said that he had been struggling with some things the last few days. I asked what things and he said his feelings. I was so hurt. I assumed he meant his lack of feelings so I said "Take care of yourself. I hope you find what you're looking for, I really do." He was silent and then asked if he could call me that night after he got home from his appointment. I said sure. Needless to say, he didn't and that was Wednesday and today is Saturday. I feel like I was totally rejected and it doesn't feel very good.

Bottom line is he is the not the right man for me and your ex is not the right man for you. One of my favorite sayings right now is "Rejection is God's protection." How true is that. Try to stay strong. Keep remembering all the things you have going for you. I know it's easy to say, but this one person does not define you. You are who you were before you met and you are still that same great person.

Good luck and keep me posted on your healing.

Avatar for marichiko
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-16-2005 - 9:20pm
I sooo understand how bad it feels when someone of whom you have asked so little of and who has so little really going for them, rejects you.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2000
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 8:50am
Thanks for your response. You hit the nail on the head. One of the worst things about this is I keep thinking "How could he reject ME!?" I know that sounds like I'm tooting my own horn too much, but I am nurturing, giving, great sense of humor, attractive, financially stable (retired at 47) I have loads of friends, I just got my real estate license, and on and on. I just sit there and shake my head and think WTF. If he doesn't appreciate that, who will. (Answer: the right one.) In reality, I should stop worrying about what he is thinking and worry more about what I really want. I wasn't happy 9 months ago and I had a lot of reasons not to be. I knew he was the wrong guy. My friends can't believe I gave him the time of day much less spent time with him. The feelings of rejection are starting to fade and I am feeling more relief than anything else. On with my life. Summer is coming and I have a lot of great opportunities to meet new people. I intend to do just that.