Would like thoughts/opinions

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Would like thoughts/opinions
5
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 1:07pm
Hi everybody. I first wanted to mention how I have read a lot of messages from this board, and you appreciate all the love and support I find from all these people who are currently experiencing similar things.

So, here's my story...typical...girl wants more, guy can't commit. Girl tries, and guy bails. I had been good, with no contact for about a month. We broke up about a month prior to that, but it was mostly me still contacting, as we tried the whole "friends" thing, but I always knew and even after that first month trial...it was confirmed that the "friends" thing was a very difficult thing to do. So I wised up for ME, and didn't contact for a month although in all honesty I have had strong desires and urges to, and even thought this morning how I felt like emailing him to say, "hi, how are you doing?" sort of deal.

Anyway, so then I surprisingly actually even see an email from him this morning, basically saying how he had his digital camera out and had a nice picture of me, and told me that he does miss me and thinks it would be good to see me sometime, but he is asking me to let him know my opinion on it.

This pretty much is just a "friendly" approach he is making, yes? I'm sure he has no intentions of mixed signals, but I guess it would be much clearer for no mixed signals if he just casually wrote to ask me to hang out and do something, rather than say he missed me and asks my opinion about it, even though it may be him trying to be thoughtful of my healing process.

I'd just like to hear anybody's thoughts on this. Thanks in advance for taking the time out to read/respond. I greatly appreciate it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 1:23pm
well first of all..How much was there between you two? I have limited experience with this kind of thing but I am going through a painful breakup right now, and through this i have noticed that it is best not to have contact with the person until you are "over" them. you have to ask yourself questions like: Can I be friends with him without subconciously thinking that we will become involved again? and can I distance myself enough to know if im being used? Im not in any way saying that he will use you but ive been there.. my ex broke up with me but wanted to keep me at arms length so that I would be there when he neeed me for whatever reason. I wish you all the best..im always here or on AIM if you need someeone to talk to..my AIM SN is jedigirlie2003..Thanks! Keep posting!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 1:54pm
As for how much there was between us...well, we dated for 7 months...I think it meant a lot more to me, than him. I think I felt more passionately about everything than he did. He is more of the laid back kind. I kind of feel maybe his heart was never really into it. I don't know. But mine definitely was. It was really frustrating as it was really hard to read him and it was like pulling teeth to get him to talk about his feelings.

I guess I will just never understand the whole "friends" thing. I know he is friends with A LOT of his exes. That was also an issue for us while dating. It was hard for me to deal with. But then it makes me wonder if he tells his "other exes", that he "misses" them and thinks it would be good to see them sometime. Ugh. These thoughts, these thoughts!!! I guess I just don't know what to think of it, and deep down I am hoping for more, but my brain knows to not kid myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 1:59pm
My honest opinion - he misses you, and wants your opinion on resuming a relationship on his terms (no serious commitment), or even less than you had before (maybe friends with benefits). Maybe I'm cynical, and he isn't quite that manipulative, but maybe he hasn't even thought this through or put it in so many words to himself - I think he's fishing to see if, after some time without him, you've "come around" to his way of thinking and are ready to take whatever scraps he'll offer. Definitely not the "I've made a terrible mistake letting you out of my life, I've been thinking and evaluating and I want to commit to a future with you" communication that would indicate a desire to resume a relationship on YOUR terms. He may really want to be friends, but I'd bet that, subconsciously at least, he also wants to explore your receptiveness to just going back to the status quo. I'm with you, friendship is not a good idea at this point, especially not if he may be looking to reopen your relationship on the same, unsatisfactory, page.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 2:07pm
Thanks for your thoughts. I think very similarly with you. I know for certain it isn't the "I've made a mistake, let's try to make this work YOUR way." Yes, if anything, he would try to make it on his terms. But I do think if anything, he wants to try to have a friendship with me and wants to hang out, I guess. I know he thinks a relationship between us won't work out, so I do believe he is trying the friends approach. But he also knows that I cut off my exes "like cancer" (his words). So that's why he was asking my opinion about it, I guess.

I just think it would hurt me, cuz it IS like he is getting the best of both worlds... Getting to hang with me, and being free to date others and explore. Well, I guess I can say I have that option too; however, I'm sure he and I both know I have more heart invested into it than he did.

When it comes to telling someone you "miss" them. I guess I don't usually say that to an ex. I'll tell that if I am currently dating them...or a GOOD buddy, but not usually an ex. And here's the funny thing...he hardly to never even said it while we were dating. One time I even asked if he even misses me, although I knew I shouldn't cuz you shouldn't have to ask for those things, but since like I said it's like pulling teeth to get this guy tell me about his feelings, I was just curious, and his response was, "sometimes". Ack...he's so passive, it's annoying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 2:21pm
I know how you feel with the whole emotion issue Matt was very closed off and hard to read as far as his feelings. It was really frustrating, hoping for more is always something that crosses peoples mind when they let go of something that they really had a lot of love for. It will get easier I promise. I would like to say that it is easier to just forget about them and think that your better off but unfortunatly I do know it is so much easier said than done. Hang in there!